Came Up… Elsewhere.

[Friday]

A place to explore themes, topics, & threads… Brought up elsewhere… without hijacking the current thread, or moving to one’s diary for more focused/self-examination.

 

[Friday]

I’m currently examining themes of identity… brought up across several different threads (AI, Diary, etc.) because it’s a difficult thing, for me. I do not do transitions well, or easily. And my identity is tied to a whooooooole lotta different factors.

 

[intothelight]

I think that themes of identity are valuable in their ability to help us frame where certain values, beliefs or behaviors may originate, but they need to be handled with caution as they do not define a person, nor are they the bars of a cage that lock a person in. Too many times I see people grasp a hold of a diagnosis and "that's who I am and explains why I am this way". That's fine as long as they are OK with it, but so many times I see it as a prison that individuals lock themselves into and use to define themselves and their boundaries.

This may be one of my own themes as I HATE someone slapping a label on me and defining who I am and what I can or cannot do by that label. The spine surgeon who told me I would never walk again over a year ago and wanted me to do "pain management". Well mother f*cker, not only am I walking but I rode a horse two weeks ago. Would love to make an appointment just to dance into his office and out!

Themes, diagnosis, and theories can help us to better understand things, but they should never be used to define us as individuals. They should help create a path to recovery and self discovery and not a prison that holds a person back with theoretical prison bars.

 

[Sideways]

Identity was (is) seriously problematic for me. My trauma gave me an identity which wrapped itself up in core beliefs and became pretty unshakeable.

So, building up a new self concept has been a huge part of my recovery. No way around it. I couldn’t move away from the self-loathing that was killing me till I learned that I wasn’t that person.

The obvious problem with learning to accept “I’m not that person” is …who am I, then?

That’s a question that loads of us struggle with. It’s not limited to ptsd, but if you add ptsd to that problem, then it can be incredibly difficult to function alongside. Avoidance symptoms are great for coping, but you can’t avoid yourself. Problematic core beliefs very often circle back to issues relating to self concept and identity.

I still don’t have a comprehensive answer to the question Who Am I?. But I’m starting to accept who I’m not, and take in pieces of who I might be. Which is satisfactory for me for now.

For me? It was partially talk therapy that helped me work through those issues. But honestly, the art therapy was gold for it.

 

[Friday]

It’s not limited to ptsd, but if you add ptsd to that problem, then it can be incredibly difficult to function alongside

So very much, and so strongly, agreed.

Themes, diagnosis, and theories can help us to better understand things, but they should never be used to define us as individuals.

Ditto.

 

[Freddyt]

Yeah, its a difficult thing, identity.
Was the real me someone before trauma?
Or years after when I was mostly asymptomatic and "functioning"?
Or now as we deal with trauma?
Or did the real me never have a chance to become an adult because of trauma? Was it trapped by what happened and left behind in order to be semi functional and asymptomatic and is now forgotten or buried away?

I begin to realize that because of things that happened I had to change who I was in my mind to survive all that. I had to build parts of my own identity for myself because I there were things the world outside tried to make part of my identity that were not real.
I think our favorite analyst said it best,

The world will ask you who you are, and if you don't know, the world will tell you.
Carl Jung

The hard part is ignoring what the world tells you, and believing your own truth.

 

[Shaylee]

I'm not sure how to find the words, nor if it even matters at all, so Idk why it's occurred to me more than once. I was thinking I am afraid or hesitant to say (anonymously) when I feel hopeless etc, as it seems to end up encouraging someone else who says they feel the same or are worse. Which-obviously it seems more important to do that- to help someone else, especially if I care. But in the end I also feel somewhat silenced, invisible, or just lost in the shuffle. Like I am wrong to speak my truth. I know it's just stupid to think of, anyway. Just kind of, that's been the way it was my whole life, pretty much. I feel required to be 2 dimensional, in a way. Anyhoo that's all. Simple mind simple rather useless thought lol.

This^^. So much this. I utterly despise the phrases , “ if it makes you feel any better…” Or “ if it’s any consolation…[insert their story here]”. No it’s doesn’t! (Is what I want to scream before they even finish their sentence……)

I think it’s because while they may be saying it to make you feel better, people tend to forget to circle back to YOU and how you feel…. I always feel one-upped in addition to the silencing (not as important as them), invisible (the focus of your problem now is diverted to how to solve theirs), lost in the shuffle (their story is more interesting or better somehow … so off to sit on the curb I go…)

Well, sister, I am here to tell you, it isn’t stupid, you are not wrong, I see you and know exactly you feel. Thank you for speaking up when I couldn’t.

(I didn’t want to hijack the other thread.)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you for your kindness @Darkness Reborn . i suppose I was never the type who felt comfortable letting my guard down and definitely not crying on a shoulder so to speak, so speaking up at all about how I actually feel is a lot, maybe it's the same for you? (I kind of laugh because I heard a comic say most comics are dark and don't want to feel depression, in themselves or others, that "normal people probably don't feel inclined to want to make people laugh", lol).And tbh, I don't care to vent for the sake of it. Maybe it's just that fleeting feeling when at one's lowest to be able to be heard, or thrown a lifeline, or just not kicked to the curb, to feel there is some value in existing? Oh well. Maybe it's just too honest in a way. After getting blasted at this morning I realize I am often ultimately torn between trying to give the most generous benefit of the doubt to both those who attack and those who are indifferent to me, and/or feeling there is zero concern or connection. Two opposites, two extremes and probably neither are fully justified. But I'm starting to think just accept the latter as truth and put no more thought into it. Anyway thank you so much for your kind words. Hugs to you and yes, I would like to hear your story.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Darkness Reborn ETA, I was thinking, being used to it, what does it matter? Unless someone thinks they are humoring me (gross!). Best to stick with who gets it, and phrasing it positively who is genuine, caring, or able (and desirous) of listening to another objectively. Hard to have differing perspectives without it (though I'd personally be careful who I afforded respect or understanding or trust to). Maybe part of the problem is our own empathy or ability to listen?

Thank you!

 

[Shaylee]

so speaking up at all about how I actually feel is a lot, maybe it's the same for you?

I have attempted with family but no one else to speak up…. Failed quite miserably, I was quite literally laughed at and told I was taking it too personally. My only friend L, I can talk surface stuff with easily (she gets it) but the deep stuff…. Welll she needs to go first . With her I feel I am being an attention hog when I go deep. But it’s rare.

Maybe it's just that fleeting feeling when at one's lowest to be able to be heard, or thrown a lifeline, or just not kicked to the curb, to feel there is some value in existing?

Definitely value in existing. Which I would get just by not feeling kicked to the curb, or not even kicked, told to sit down in a nice polite way and wait on the curb while they take my ice cream inside and eat it. Heck I will share the ice cream gladly, no need to take it from me. (Yes, a childish analogy but oft times I feel that way and then feel guilty)I realize I am often ultimately torn between trying to give the most generous benefit of the doubt to both those who attack and those who are indifferent to me, and/or feeling there is zero concern or connection.

I realize I am often ultimately torn between trying to give the most generous benefit of the doubt to both those who attack and those who are indifferent to me, and/or feeling there is zero concern or connection.

I understand. I either (and probably most frequently) try to figure out what I did/didn’t do/say/act like. But at the same time, “Maybe they are having a bad day, maybe they are stressed/overwhelmed etc, etc etc….” And excuse their treatment of me and then how could I be better.

being used to it, what does it matter?

because everything I seem to be reading is that I should matter to myself, should I be letting it slide? or being used to it if it is something that makes uncomfortable?. That it should be ok for me to be upset about it. That it should be ok to… set a boundary? I guess maybe ? I am not sure I am expressing it very well. I am not saying to foist or force myself upon someone… but if the intent is to make me fee better am I not supposed to be able say “sorry, I appreciate your story but it unfortunately doesn’t make me feel better but here’s what would”? Isn’t stuff like that supposed to be a 2 way street? Maybe I am wishing on stars…or just confusedededed . But I think it supposed to matter or you are just doing what they are doing to yourself? Kicking yourself to the curb?

shutting up on that for now as I’m pretty sure I’m not making any sense

Unless someone thinks they are humoring me (gross!).

Totally agree!!!! Ugh the dripping condescension! .

Maybe part of the problem is our own empathy or ability to listen?

mmmm. I don’t know. My friend L says I am too empathetic hence why I give too many chances to people who she thinks don’t deserve it in my life.

I have always felt though I am a terrible listener. I constantly feel I need to work more on that. I feel that I focus too much on what I want to say and miss vital bits.

I completely suck at relationships though I think. I am fairly certain I self-sabotage (I only realized that possibility only recently, I used to think I gave it my all, but there are some things that I know I do I have read.)

I think what has really always been the wondering in my mind is “why does it happen so often?”. That forgotten, one-upped, invisibleness …. I just always have felt I am missing some vital bits of information necessary to have that not happen, or is that some most people feel and maybe I actually lend to it. Maybe changing one thing could alter it for someone else therefore alter it for me in the future.

I digress into ramblings.
I don’t know why you are thanking me but… You’re welcome!

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't write now @Darkness Reborn but I totally relate!

I thank you now and then because it's such a relief that someone gets it! And can put it into words. Plus I always feel like such an as* to post, especially when I think it's just whiny!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Darkness Reborn , I likely too contribute. And am torn by giving myself permission in feeling bad or angry, which as you said is valuing yourself and should be routine and ok if applicable. Not sure if I ever will, though I do have a certain limit where I just feel it's beyond me to trust in excusing everything. On the other hand, I think what does it matter in the sense we live and die and how important is it? And though forgiveness can come easily to me sometimes, other times I am just angry. And so I ask myself why I am, since anger is a cover emotion. Although perhaps going beyond blaming myself, it is important enough, or rather impactful enough, to admit that it kind of drains me completely when all is said and done. Not just of energy, but something else critical to feel like I belong at all, or why bother.

PS Your post makes more sense than mine lol.