Dom Violence Beginning A New Abusive Relationship

[Friday]

I didn't want to hijack another thread, ESP as this may well not be relevant to them, and am curious how often my own pattern plays out...

For those who've gotten into multiple abusive relationships, were your new partners abusive in the same ways or different ways as your other partners? In the beginning? Over time?

***

For me'self... they couldn't have begun MORE differently. So much so I can almoooooost forgive myself from jumping from one abusive relationship right into the next. Almost.

 

[KayW]

My relationships were very different.
1. Loud, arguing, physical abuse and some SA. I didn't think it was real abuse at the time because I would argue back and until the last few times, the arguments led to violence.

2. Emotionally/mentally abusive, socially controlling, financially controlling, sexually controlling. He didn't have to hit me because I was so shut down from previous relationship I rarely argued. I didn't consider this an abusive relationship at the time as I've grown up with this treatment. But I think it was more mentally damaging than the previous violent partner.

3. Wasn't even a relationship. It was a friendship and a brief fling that I told him I wasn't ready for. We remained friends for months after that, but I think when it became apparent there wasn't going to be a relationship he raped me and on another occasion tried to kill me.

I gave up relationships after that. I recognize that my issues and inability to see abuse make me vulnerable to bad relationship choices. But I'm quite pragmatic about it, in that I don't feel a need to forgive myself, instead I need to fix it.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Could be because we learn about relationships when we were children. That archetype is what we seek as adults...good or bad.

 

[Friday]

Could be because we learn about relationships when we were children. That archetype is what we seek as adults...good or bad.

Undoubtedly true, for a lot of people.

Probably very true for me, too; patterning off of killer partnerships, with all of my amazing/badass relationships, before my first abusive relationship. But after my first? Everything changed.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Glad you don't necessarily relate to my post above. In truth I am the one who relates to it. Growing up with my dad physically and mentally abusive to my mom, drinking, cheating. It was a shit show. Then my mom seeing my arsonist...

Anyway I glad you are picking this stuff apart...you deserve good relationships.

 

[Ecdysis]

they couldn't have begun MORE differently

Same here... I was in a relationship that I wouldn't call abusive... but, hmm, dysfunctional, I guess... A guy who was very low-maintenance but also not really emotionally available... So I figured "hey, I want the opposite of that" and ended up with a guy who was very emotionally available but then also turned out to be super clingy, controlling, emotionally unstable, abusive and it was an utter shitshow... I remember thinking "OMG be careful what you wish for..." I never saw it coming at all...

 

[Rose White]

All of my relationships felt very different externally, but I think some commonalities were that they love-bombed me but then didn’t really care about me. Only my ex-husband trapped me successfully. Mostly emotional manipulation and codependency was also universally present.

But I don’t think of them as abusive. So maybe I’m not the right one to answer the question though I appreciate the thought process.