It's a week before my wedding, and I can't stop having suicidal thoughts.

[Somewhere in Wyoming]

I am getting married in a week, I love my fiancé very much and he isn't the issue here at all, he is phenomenal and supportive and I don't deserve him. I don't know why I'm like this, I don't know why as soon as I'm not actively focused on something else I start fantasizing about my death, it's not a fear, I honestly feel like it would be the right thing to do and that I'm just a coward for not following through and freeing everyone from my burden. I don't really talk to anyone about my past aside from dark humor here and there and the few people closest to me have seen me have a full breakdown once on a blue moon when there was a trigger I wasn't prepared for but overall I feel like I manage myself fairly well, I have a good career, I'm a firefighter, it's just I think the stress of one thing after another after another going wrong lately and I feel like all of them directly pertain to me, things that have either completely wrecked our plans or severely delayed them and it is a new setback everyday it feels like, and I feel like I'm f*cking up all of the time, I feel guilty for bringing the few people closest with me down with me, I feel like I'm constantly letting someone down and I feel like I can't carry the weight anymore and I don't want anyone to go down with me so it would be best if I just disappeared and everyone could get on with their lives. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

[Sideways]

I feel like I can't carry the weight anymore

Is the weight something you’re trying to carry alone?

Round about 1 in 5 people will experience clinical levels of depression in their lifetime. That’s regular folks, without factoring in the additional risk factors associated with working in emergency services. Thoughts about suicide are a very normal symptom of this very common illness (they’re also common with ptsd). Which is to say: your brain is thinking suicide not because it’s a good idea, but because that’s what our brains do when they’re struggling.

Add any major stressor (marriage is right up there - stress is often just as destabilising with good stress as it is with bad stress), and our mental health becomes especially vulnerable.

If you’re trying to deal with this alone? Maybe reconsider that approach. There are some incredibly effective treatments available - your life doesn’t need to feel this shit, and it doesn’t need to feel this hard.

Talking about how you’re feeling can be a really helpful start. As is a trip to your GP, so you can talk about some treatment options that might work for you.

And…welcome to the forum! Suicidal thoughts are shit as it gets. So I hear you:)

 

[scout86]

What the hell is wrong with me?

That's a legitimate question and it deserves a good answer. It's the kind of question/answer that none of us are really able to find on our own though. Looking for the answer might be a little complicated though. (For instance, in the US, if you talk to your GP, they'll probably just prescribe anti-depressants and move on, and that's not the best form of help, most of the time.) You mentioned you're a firefighter, any chance your workplace has resources you can use? (Yeah, that means you actually have to talk to someone, but that's not as bad as it probably seems.)

When I first contacted a therapist, he told me that if I was dealing with PTSD, it wasn't going away on it's own, it effected more parts of my life than I realized, and it's not something a person can deal with without help. He was right on all counts, I think. But it's also true that he was a lot of help and life is a lot better now than it was.

I've thought the same things you mentioned, that people would be better off without me. I get that. But I've also lost a couple good friends to suicide. I can tell you that there's never been a time when I thought I was better off without them. I miss them all the time. I wish they were still in this world. I also feel a certain amount of guilt because I didn't see it coming and head it off somehow. If I could talk to them now, among other things I'd tell them that there's help out there and things can get better. You have to work at it, but it's worth it.

There's an idea you can find on this site called the "stress cup". It does a great job of explaining why, like @Sideways said, even "good stress" is stress. Good luck! I hope you hang around.

 

[Friday]

I don't know why I'm like this

Because you have PTSD?

The ptsd cup explanation

Nearly a decade ago (2006) I wrote The PTSD Cup Explanation, a simple view of how PTSD causes symptoms in day-to-day life. This article is an update to that original piece. Regardless of the type of trauma endured, the PTSD Cup does not change, deviate or apply differently to your circumstance...

www.myptsd.com

Seriously. You’re not insane. You’re reacting/responding exactly like any of us do, during the best/worst of times without a way to vent stress. You’re gonna be okay. This is temporary.