Relationship Am I giving too much space or too little? Struggling with partner's abandonment patterns.

[scout86]

I'm not sure if this is a rant or a question. Rambling. Sorry

I don't think you've got anything to apologize for. It sounds like you're trying really hard to sort out the situation the best you can. I wish I could help! What I keep coming back to, in my own mind, is it's not fair for him to expect you to be able to read his mind.

But maybe that's not what he's thinking at all. I can think of plenty of miscommunications that happened because I was seeing a situation totally differently than someone else and we were each trying to be SO respectful of the feelings of the other that it took a lot to sort that out. For example, my old therapist was moving his office to a different town. He knew it would be a long drive for me and didn't want to do anything to influence my decision about whether or not I continued to see him. He did that so well that I got the feeling he actually was HOPING I wouldn't continue to see him. After a couple weeks of trying to sort out the situation, I finally asked what I'd done wrong..... He had NO idea what i was talking about. LOL So we had the conversation we should have had to begin with. (I continued to see him for several more years, until he retired.) My point, I guess, is that I think most of the time if you want to know something the best thing to do is ask. In your situation, he might be feeling kind of trapped and I can see wanting not to feed into that. Maybe that was a little what I was thinking when I asked my T what I had done wrong. I wasn't sure I HAD done anything actually wrong, but I was pretty sure that SOMETHING was wrong. (And it stands to reason it was probably my fault. LOL) The catch is, with SOME people, they'll take that approach and use it against you and make darn sure you know bad stuff is your fault whether it is or not. But then, if that's what happens, is that someone you really want to deal with?

Living with things the way they are, long term, doesn't sound like a great situation. I hope you can find a way for the 2 of you to work together. He's going to have bad stretches. He just is. PTSD isn't a walk in the park. But there sure might be a way for each of you to get your needs met. Seems like the first step has to be figuring out what those needs are. And I don't see any way to do that without communicating about it. (Wishing you tons of luck!)

 

[Notgoodatnames]

Living with things the way they are, long term, doesn't sound like a great situation

Thank you for all of this. I'm just coming back and re-reading what you wrote and re-digesting it. I've been trying all week to find an opportunity to talk, and then putting it off to the next day, and then lying awake half the night trying to work out what to say, and then the day I was really resolved to try and have a conversation he didn't show up. Part of this is on me - I really really don't find it easy to have conversations about these kinds of things, and actually he is the one who has always told me that it's important to talk about things in a relationship, and that he can't know what's in my head if I don't tell him. Although ironically, I did tell him one time that sometimes I'm scared to share with him (because sometimes he can react quite aggressively) and he told me that was because I am too weak. I'm not sure he realizes how much his reactions are different when he's in a good place, vs when he's reacting from a place of hurt, where it feels like he just starts projecting all the bad that was said and done to him. And so I think I'm also a little (no, a lot) afraid of initiating a conversation now and getting an aggressive reaction and things escalating into a blow up, because I just don't have the strength and energy to go through that kind of crisis right now.

Also this week, I've seen him greet a friend we ran into on the street with a huge smile, and totally relaxed behavior, and then revert into shut down mode with me as soon as we were alone again, and I've seen him joking around with the guys on our work crew like everything is normal, and that makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I'm trying to tell myself that if he's showing me his 'down' side it's only because we are closer, but it's not a huge consolation. I packed him a whole load of healthy snacks and brought them over the other day, because I don't think he's got the energy right now to deal with cooking and is just eating rubbish on the road. And he looked happy to get them. He's not shaving, he looks tired. If he's not in my life at the moment, I don't think its because he's going out and having a great life without me (although of course the 3am demons tell me otherwise!)

I agree that living with things the way they are long term, would not be great. Overall, outside the bad bits, we've been getting better and stronger. We've had a pretty solid 4 years with only a couple of shortish incidents, which comparatively speaking is good going. I'm a control freak, so I'm really not good with uncertainty, and I also like to make plans - it's what keeps me going, being able to look forward to a holiday or something, even if it's months out - so times like this are really hard on me.

The more I argue this out on paper with myself, the more I think that the right thing to do for now is to keep my head down, and try and support him with little things, and wait until the light starts to come back in, and then try and plan with him for what happens next time we go down this road. I don't know if that's wise, or if that's me not standing up for myself and being too afraid of confrontation? I do know I don't want to keep finding myself here.

 

[scout86]

I'm not sure he realizes how much his reactions are different when he's in a good place, vs when he's reacting from a place of hurt

Chances are he doesn't. That's a big part of the nature of PTSD. Something in the here and now reminds the PTSD part of your brain of other (bad) times and situations. It sees the resemblance between "then" and "now", assumes this is another example of "then" and proceeds accordingly. When you're living it, it's totally real. It's like being inside virtual reality that's so realistic, it could just as well be real.

I really really don't find it easy to have conversations about these kinds of things,

I can totally relate to that! In that situation with my T, I fretted about it till I couldn't stand it any longer and then dove in with a "rip the bandaide off" approach that caught him totally off guard. LOL I think I probably sent him an email. Safer, you know? Fortunately, he's a nice, sane person who was good at his job. Things worked out smoothly. In your situation, the guy DOES have PTSD so talking about stuff definitely could be more complicated. Does he see a therapist? Because PTSD isn't something you can really navigate very well without help. And it's not fair to expect the untrained people around you to always have the understanding and detachment to help.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

Does he see a therapist?

No, and I think he (and maybe sometimes we) definitely should. And it's one of the things I'd like to bring up with him. And then of course, assuming he is open to the idea, there is the next problem of finding a therapist that is good, and that we can afford. I've tried searching for trauma therapists, but it feels like every therapist says they can handle everything, and I'm not at all sure that's true.

When you're living it, it's totally real. It's like being inside virtual reality that's so realistic, it could just as well be real.

I can't tell you how helpful it is to get some insight from someone who has experienced PTSD and can articulate it. I know everyone's lived experience is going to be different, and my partner is obviously a different person, but it's still many steps closer than me being in my own head and making guesses. Just in general, being on this forum and reading other people's partner experiences and being able to recognize patterns and reactions that are almost identical to some of my own is invaluable,

 

[abovedown]

Also this week, I've seen him greet a friend we ran into on the street with a huge smile, and totally relaxed behavior, and then revert into shut down mode with me as soon as we were alone again, and I've seen him joking around with the guys on our work crew like everything is normal, and that makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I'm trying to tell myself that if he's showing me his 'down' side it's only because we are closer, but it's not a huge consolation. I packed him a whole load of healthy snacks and brought them over the other day, because I don't think he's got the energy right now to deal with cooking and is just eating rubbish on the road. And he looked happy to get them. He's not shaving, he looks tired. If he's not in my life at the moment, I don't think its because he's going out and having a great life without me (although of course the 3am demons tell me otherwise!)

It's great you want to continue to support him but remember to live your own life as well!

 

[Notgoodatnames]

It's great you want to continue to support him but remember to live your own life as well!

Ha! Yes.

I do actually like quite a lot of space, so in some ways this time has been good for me to regroup and rebuild myself and I'm sort of kind of ok with it, despite all of the above. However, I would feel a lot better about it if I knew it was for a finite period of time: I'm ok being alone, I just don't want to be alone forever.

 

[Friday]

but it feels like every therapist says they can handle everything, and I'm not at all sure that's true.

It’s not true.

No one specialises in EVERYTHING from autistic toddlers to geriatric psychopaths. Just like in medicine? People specialise through extra years of schooling & internship & accredation. The only person who is equally good/bad with ALL disorders & conditions across the lifespan? Is a student. Or a McMoron with no schooling whatsoever that has paid the fee for the exempt-licence (religious, spiritual, coach, counsellor).

To find an ACTUAL trauma therapist, use EMDR, TF-CBT, PET, SE, and/or other trauma modalities that they have to pay money for & school in for a few years… in your search.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

Or a McMoron with no schooling whatsoever

That's what scares me, because the only thing worse than no therapist is a bad therapist!!!!

To find an ACTUAL trauma therapist, use EMDR, TF-CBT, PET, SE, and/or other trauma modalities that they have to pay money for

Thanks, that's helpful because I didn't realize that to use those letters you actually had to study and qualify for those types of work, and that does help narrow it down.

 

[scout86]

Another thought on the "finding a therapist" problem. Try asking people. I know that sounds like of lame, but if you can find some people local to you who have experience dealing with it themselves, ask if they have any recommendations.

Having said that..... I found my old T by doing an online search for PTSD therapists in my area. There weren't many. One of them was someone I knew in real life and she frankly scares me so that wasn't going to work. My T had a quirky web site that included pictures of him with his dogs and his race car. I figured "how bad could he be, right?" He was great. Training is great, but there's a lot to be said about being able to make a personal connection, at least for some of us. Good luck! (I'm a big fan of stories with happy endings. Just sayin...)

 

[Notgoodatnames]

Good luck! (I'm a big fan of stories with happy endings. Just sayin...)

Thank you. This last comment had me smiling a little all week. I'm a big stupid romantic who believes in happy endings. IRL life, work is super stressful. He sat with me for about 2 hours the other day, not talking much at all, but when I said maybe I should let him go and get on with things, he made no move to do so, so I'm taking a bit of comfort in the fact that I think he does still want me around. We've come a long way in these last couple of years. Hopefully this is a plateau rather than a slide right back to the beginning.

 

[permanentdamage99]

@Notgoodatnames Your story reminds me and my boyfriend. Even though you've been through this for a lot of years, while I am "only" been through it for almost 2 years. Could you update us, and let us know how it's going right now? I guess I am searching for a little of hope since my guy is ignoring my texts and calls and I am hoping he can come back to me eventually as I believe in our strong connection.

Thank you and I wish you the best.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

@Notgoodatnames Your story reminds me and my boyfriend. Even though you've been through this for a lot of years, while I am "only" been through it for almost 2 years. Could you update us, and let us know how it's going right now? I guess I am searching for a little of hope since my guy is ignoring my texts and calls and I am hoping he can come back to me eventually as I believe in our strong connection.

Thank you and I wish you the best.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I spent a lot of yesterday thinking about how best to answer you!

Right now, things are better. He's more relaxed again. We are super busy with work and he's working pretty much every night and weekend on his house, so it's a bit "ships passing in the night" but he is reponsive to calls and texts again, and I've snuck in a couple of hugs, and I got a tour of his new place yesterday, so I feel more reassured that I still belong and that there is a place in his life for me - it's just that life is super busy right now, but that's more normal relationship stuff and not CPTSD stuff.

Longer term, how I feel depends on the day. In the periods of no contact I can end up feeling desperate and wonder how on earth I keep finding myself here and why I keep doing this to myself, and in the good periods (and honestly now feels good, even if busy - I feel connected again) I feel safe and happy and it all seems worth it, because I love him very very much. And in the good times I can tell myself that yes, there is a lot of uncertainty, but life is inherently uncertain, even if we like to pretend otherwise, and that I would rather have the good moments with him day by day, than not have him at all. Every time it gets bad, it's a shock all over again and my life falls apart, and then we come through it, but every time I'm afraid that this one might be the time that he doesn't come back.

I will say that gradually we've been doing better - the bad periods are less frequent as we've got closer, but it took almost a decade to get there.