angel2write
Diamond Member
I've decided that maybe setting some solid, measurable goals might help me in therapy this time. Thought about it a lot, and these are my three goals:
I want to be able to go to social situations without biting or clawing at myself (physically or mentally) afterward.
I want to stop yelling at myself, especially in front of other people. I want to stop having these intrusive, extremely powerful emotional thoughts, or recollections, or whatever they are that provoke yelling at myself.
I want to be able to enjoy my husband without imagining someone hurting me or freaking out afterwards or freezing up or punishing myself.
Having stated that, I have a couple questions. Why have things gotten worse lately? I've had horrible nightmares nearly all my life. I've had the thoughts that bang out of nowhere, sort of like having a giant bat slam into my brain. I've had problems with touch, fear of men, extreme anxiety in crowds or around people who are drinking, etc. Lovely list of triggers. But why, at 37 years of age, am I suddenly becoming afraid to leave my home? I have a lot of trouble going to Wal-mart now. I never had trouble with Wal-mart. I find myself avoiding the gym- even the track, which used to be ok. I was never able to go in the weight room and be so close to people. But on the track no one makes eye contact and it's mostly women. It didn't used to bother me, but now it's like this huge effort to get out of the car and walk into the building and swipe my card and try not to see anyone or touch anyone and get the kids to nursery and walk upstairs... I miss my exercise.
Another thing- I've noticed the feelings are sort of inhabiting my body more. I mean, like when I feel sad, instead of feeling sad like sad is in a distant country (perhaps France?) it's like sad has invaded and taken over my body. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I've doubled over weeping like there's so much sad it almost doesn't have room in there. It comes pouring out of my mouth in great big choking sobs. And fear the same way. I'm not used to this. In the past, there might be a flash of like, 5 or 10 seconds of intense terror, then it would get closed off. I'd be numb. But now the emotions last longer. I can sort of stay in the room with them longer.
Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It feels bad, but somehow I wonder if maybe these things have to come out. I don't want to violate a parental guidance rating here, but my husband and I have been working on me being sort of present in my body in bed. Is opening myself up to feeling what's going on there also opening me up to feeling the fear and pain? Like if I wanted to numb all the agony, I also numbed all the pleasure, and now I can't let one out of the box without letting it all start leaking out?
That's a good way of putting it. I feel like I'm leaking. And a lot of times what's leaking out isn't really appropriate to what's going on in my life at the time. Inexplicable odd joy. Unwarranted fear. Sudden slashes of terror, or misery like a little rain cloud hanging over my head when I have every reason to be happy. I feel like my mood thermostat has gone out of whack.
Has anybody else had this?
I want to be able to go to social situations without biting or clawing at myself (physically or mentally) afterward.
I want to stop yelling at myself, especially in front of other people. I want to stop having these intrusive, extremely powerful emotional thoughts, or recollections, or whatever they are that provoke yelling at myself.
I want to be able to enjoy my husband without imagining someone hurting me or freaking out afterwards or freezing up or punishing myself.
Having stated that, I have a couple questions. Why have things gotten worse lately? I've had horrible nightmares nearly all my life. I've had the thoughts that bang out of nowhere, sort of like having a giant bat slam into my brain. I've had problems with touch, fear of men, extreme anxiety in crowds or around people who are drinking, etc. Lovely list of triggers. But why, at 37 years of age, am I suddenly becoming afraid to leave my home? I have a lot of trouble going to Wal-mart now. I never had trouble with Wal-mart. I find myself avoiding the gym- even the track, which used to be ok. I was never able to go in the weight room and be so close to people. But on the track no one makes eye contact and it's mostly women. It didn't used to bother me, but now it's like this huge effort to get out of the car and walk into the building and swipe my card and try not to see anyone or touch anyone and get the kids to nursery and walk upstairs... I miss my exercise.
Another thing- I've noticed the feelings are sort of inhabiting my body more. I mean, like when I feel sad, instead of feeling sad like sad is in a distant country (perhaps France?) it's like sad has invaded and taken over my body. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I've doubled over weeping like there's so much sad it almost doesn't have room in there. It comes pouring out of my mouth in great big choking sobs. And fear the same way. I'm not used to this. In the past, there might be a flash of like, 5 or 10 seconds of intense terror, then it would get closed off. I'd be numb. But now the emotions last longer. I can sort of stay in the room with them longer.
Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It feels bad, but somehow I wonder if maybe these things have to come out. I don't want to violate a parental guidance rating here, but my husband and I have been working on me being sort of present in my body in bed. Is opening myself up to feeling what's going on there also opening me up to feeling the fear and pain? Like if I wanted to numb all the agony, I also numbed all the pleasure, and now I can't let one out of the box without letting it all start leaking out?
That's a good way of putting it. I feel like I'm leaking. And a lot of times what's leaking out isn't really appropriate to what's going on in my life at the time. Inexplicable odd joy. Unwarranted fear. Sudden slashes of terror, or misery like a little rain cloud hanging over my head when I have every reason to be happy. I feel like my mood thermostat has gone out of whack.
Has anybody else had this?
