Sexual Assault Navigating intimacy with partner after CSA

[Anonymous1234]

I'm 19 year old woman and I was molested as a young child, like age 3-5 roughly. I don't have a ton of super solid memories, but the vague ones are hard enough to deal with. I feel a lot of the trauma in my body I think, I am constantly anxious and tense.

I am currently dating this really lovely girl who is so insanely kind and patient and gentle with me. I had a boyfriend in the past who was also sexually abusive so relationships are hard for me, but I really trust this girl and I know she would never do anything to hurt me. She knows about my experiences and is very understanding of them all, and we have agreed that any physical intimacy will be on my terms

All of this should be perfect. I logically know I am safe and I know I trust her a lot, yet I am still feeling really weird about it all. Sometimes I will freeze up, panic, or dissociate during kissing even when she is doing nothing wrong. Even on the days where everything is fine in the moment, I feel awful for days after doing anything sexual, feeling really gross or shameful even though I know nothing we did was wrong.

I am really frustrated about this whole thing. I know I am safe, so why don't I feel it? I have all these things I want to do so how can I stop feeling so guilty for that? I'm a grown adult with full control over my body, I just wish my brain would realize that.

Any advice on how to manage this? Do I just need to be patient?

 

[Movingforward10]

Any advice on how to manage this? Do I just need to be patient?

There are lots and lots of things you can do, and people will tell you different things have worked for them.

I sorry you are in this. But it can get better. It's so positive that you are aware and dealing with it all and you are 19. Took me till I was in my 40s to start healing, so you are being brave and dealing with it now.

Do you have a therapist? They might be able to explore the somatic feelings with you. You have the cognitive understanding you are safe but your body , and perhaps part of your mind, can't register that as they are on the past.
Things that helped me:
Making sure that when I am being intimate that I absolutely want to be (I had a tendency to have sex when I had no desire as I wasn't able to say no).
I told child parts of me that this was an adult activity and they need to go and play - this wasn't for them so they don't need to be scared.
I worked hard with my therapist about various triggers during sex - if something unpredictable happened that would trigger me, etc.
Learning to communicate during sex was a big thing.


I think being patient isn't enough. We have to 'do' something as , in my experience, it sadly doesn't go away on its own.

 

[Anonymous1234]

There are lots and lots of things you can do, and people will tell you different things have worked for them.

I sorry you are in this. But it can get better. It's so positive that you are aware and dealing with it all and you are 19. Took me till I was in my 40s to start healing, so you are being brave and dealing with it now.

Do you have a therapist? They might be able to explore the somatic feelings with you. You have the cognitive understanding you are safe but your body , and perhaps part of your mind, can't register that as they are on the past.
Things that helped me:
Making sure that when I am being intimate that I absolutely want to be (I had a tendency to have sex when I had no desire as I wasn't able to say no).
I told child parts of me that this was an adult activity and they need to go and play - this wasn't for them so they don't need to be scared.
I worked hard with my therapist about various triggers during sex - if something unpredictable happened that would trigger me, etc.
Learning to communicate during sex was a big thing.


I think being patient isn't enough. We have to 'do' something as , in my experience, it sadly doesn't go away on its own.

Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it. Unfortunately I do not have a therapist, for some reason taking that step feels way more terrifying than actually being intimate.

I also struggle with saying yes even when I don't necessarily want to do something, I want to be more mindful of that. The tip about telling your child self this isn't for them sounds interesting, I will definitely try that

I am really scared it will be like this forever. I know I need to put the work in with therapy, but that work seems impossible sometimes