Death Cougar... and the past

[Guest for now]

The cat died. My neighbor says he never made it as far as the vet. He got a shovel and buried her in the woods. We cried a bit together. I loved that cat so much.

I feel like I am in a bubble, separate from the rest of the world. Everything is surreal.

 

[Guest for now]

I was thinking of something else... when I was seven I ran off when we moved. After some time I told my mother I was still hoping he would come back. She told me with zero empathy that the cat was probably dead. I sat outside our apartment and cried and cried for a long time. She completely ignored me.
That was not a memory traumatic enough to forget, but it encapsulates how unfeeling my mother could be, how she would just walk away from people in distress.
I realized much later that she was also dissociative, and possibly this experience reminded her of some of the animal-related traumas she put me through and brought out an unfeeling alter. And I was probably crying for all those other animals I watched die, even if I didn't remember it. Grief is so mixed with trauma for me.
And that gets mixed up with my friend's crass blundering. I mean, even when I told her "I don't know how to live after this" she was still blaming me. What a klutz.
Kitty was grey and white and she would prance when she was happy, I'd tell her she was the prettiest kitty ever, little kitty prancing with her little white ballet shoes, she'll never prance again...

 

[Guest for now]

when I was seven I ran off when we moved

Oops. I meant to say, I had a cat who ran off when we moved.

 

[gorgonzola]

The cat died

I'm so sorry. I know about losing fuzzy feline friends. Even had a gray and white one once.

You were able to buy a chance for her. That's all you can do. Sometimes it doesn't pay off.

 

[ms spock]

You know, I'm just thinking of something else. This friend told me about a cat she had years ago that she thinks might have been eaten by a cougar.

That is a good insight.

So she is probably equating what I just experienced to her regret about that, when this is in a totally different league.

That is useful thinking. Her response may not have had anything to do with you and your experiences.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

The cat died. My neighbor says he never made it as far as the vet. He got a shovel and buried her in the woods. We cried a bit together. I loved that cat so much.

I feel like I am in a bubble, separate from the rest of the world. Everything is surreal.

I’m really sorry, you still did a good thing.
Hurting for you.

 

[ms spock]

The cat died.

I am so sorry.

My neighbor says he never made it as far as the vet. He got a shovel and buried her in the woods. We cried a bit together.

That you were able to cry together

I loved that cat so much.

I am sorry you lost your furry friend.

Everything is surreal.

The shock of losing your furry friend and all the other traumas and losses of other furry friends is a lot.

 

[Guest for now]

I know about losing fuzzy feline friends. Even had a gray and white one once.

I'm sorry.

 

[Guest for now]

I ran into my neighbor again... he runs the local fish and chip stand... we shared some memories about our little angel. It's good to have someone to grieve with, he smiled when I said how she would prance and I would complement her on her little white ballet shoes. He says he's grieving, "she was my love." Mine too. I told him she got me through last winter. He thanked me for bringing her to him last night, or he would not have known what happened.

I'm lost. Don't know what to do with myself without her. And not knowing which people will be able to get it and which will be callous makes it hard to come out of this bubble that seems to be following me around.

Told someone else local, who knows cougars, she says it's a miracle I'm alive. It's hard to get that to compute. There was no time to think. I opened the door, saw what was happening, and shouted to scare it away. For half a second I was thinking "deer" because it was about that size, then realized no, a deer won't go after a cat. I guess I was just beginning to register "cougar" when I scared it away. It dropped the cat and was already running away when I got to her. Would someone else have stayed inside? Gone back in when they saw what was happening? Let the cat writhe in agony on the ground?

 

[Guest for now]

I’m really sorry, you still did a good thing.
Hurting for you.

Thank you.

 

[Guest for now]

I am so sorry.

That you were able to cry together

I am sorry you lost your furry friend.

The shock of losing your furry friend and all the other traumas and losses of other furry friends is a lot.

Yes, it is. Thank you.

 

[Guest for now]

That is a good insight.

That is useful thinking. Her response may not have had anything to do with you and your experiences.

Yes, on the one hand that is probably right, but there is still this lack of understanding of how to talk to a person in a traumatized state. Thinking back, there have been a lot of times she has said something crass that triggers me and I don't necessarily show it. My go-to response is freeze, which an unobservant person may not even notice. I think I've been too passive for too long. But when I think about what I really want to say, it feels rude. I'm not sure where to find "assertive" between those two extremes.