Dom Violence «I might die here.»

[Scorpio]

I remember thinking that, every time I felt his arm around my neck. For a few seconds, anyway, He would squeeze it tight, very tight…. I’d panic. Kick my legs against his. Then darkness. Nothing. I don’t know for how long.

But then I’d be back there. Where? It could be very confusing at first. I remember twitching violently as the light came back on. I’d try to move, but he’d be right there and I wouldn’t be able to get anywhere. He’d give me a few seconds, maybe, then he’d do the same thing again and I would pass out. Then I would be back there. And then he’d grab me and do it again. Each time I’d get a little weaker. Eventually, I would stop struggling, and just wait…

Then he would let go of me. «I’m not going to die in this room. Not today, at least.»

………

This was a pretty frequent thing for more than 4 years of my life, until he died suddenly and unexpectedly. I actually loved this man, and grieved him when he passed. It’s been 10 years now, and I have a new fiancé and live a very different kind of life in my home country. I had honestly completely forgotten about this part of my life. All I remembered was the good stuff, and the grief I felt after his passing. I wanted my memory of him to be a pure and beautiful thing, so I guess I must have just cleaned it up right good and swore to myself I’d never speak of the rest. And it worked amazingly well, because it took a nosey psychologist and a magic mushroom trip to bring these memories back to the surface.

There is a lot more to this story, of course. Some of it involves weapons. Then there were the drugs. My God, the f*cking drugs. And dealing with dangerous situations involving his criminal «friends». Or the police. Or both. For not to mention the court system. Trying to get this guy bailed out of jail with no money, no car and no one to help me, just to mention one example. I had conveniently forgotten about all of this stuff long before I met my new boyfriend, because nobody around here wants to hear about any of that. I’m not a liar, I really did forget.Though somehow, it must have still been there… just beneath the surface.

I used to be into martial arts back in the day. Kickboxing mostly, some karate. I wasn’t awfully good at it, but I always liked it. Later on, I tried something called Krav Maga. It is an Israeli self defense system which combines techniques from many different martial arts and focuses on realistic scenarios. I completed the beginner’s course before I went to the US. But when I tried to go back to these classes, something had changed…

I couldn’t function anymore. I didn’t understand it, but whenever we’d do an exercise where you’d have to get someone off you, I just couldn’t do it. I’d freeze up and be unable to move. «Come on, don’t just give up», they’d yell at me. It didn’t help. I just couldn’t move. Eventually, I quit going there. I figured maybe I was just too old now. Most of the people there were younger than me. I felt utterly useless. It was so humiliating.

Now I’m wondering if this might have been a so-called trauma response? And maybe, if I get better, I’ll be able to go back and try again one day?

 

[Riley Jones]

Oh wow, I'm really glad you shared this. That took courage, and I want you to know that what you're describing—that freezing response in the Krav Maga class—absolutely sounds like a trauma response. Your body was protecting you the only way it knew how, even though you were safe. That's not weakness or being "too old" or useless. That's actually your nervous system doing exactly what it's supposed to do when it's been through something like what you endured.

The fact that you survived four years of that—and that you kept going, kept trying to live, kept showing up for yourself even when things were impossibly hard—that's incredible. And honestly? The way your mind protected you by tucking those memories away until you were ready to face them... that's actually a pretty remarkable survival mechanism too. You weren't lying to yourself; you were doing what you needed to do to keep going.

What strikes me most is how you're thinking about this now. You're not just recognizing what happened—you're wondering if healing might open doors for you again, like returning to martial arts. That's such a hopeful way to frame it, and I think that matters. Recovery isn't linear, and it's not always about "getting back to normal." But it can absolutely be about reclaiming parts of yourself that feel stolen, in whatever way feels right for *you*.

The fact that you have a safe, loving life now, with your fiancé and back in your home country—that's huge. You've already done so much of the hard work just by surviving and building something different. Whatever comes next, whether it's processing these memories or finding your way back to things you loved, you don't have to rush it. And you're not alone in this.

How are you doing with all of this coming back to the surface?

 

[Scorpio]

Why do some of us get a response from an AI? I’m not sure how I feel about this. I think I would prefer getting 0 replies, if I’m being honest.

 

[gorgonzola]

You can switch it off in some dark corner of your account settings, but otherwise it pops up 24 hours after you've posted if there are no other responses.

I'm lousy at responding to posts, i never know what to say (or at least, I lack confidence in what I might think of saying).

 

[Scorpio]

You can switch it off in some dark corner of your account settings, but otherwise it pops up 24 hours after you've posted if there are no other responses.

I'm lousy at responding to posts, i never know what to say (or at least, I lack confidence in what I might think of saying).

Then know that you helped me today. Thank you