This Is New And Old For Me...

[damagedspoon]

So, I've been suffering with diagnosed PTSD since October 2008. I lost my son 6, almost 7, months along. Without going into the details, it was a very trying moment in my life. My doctor put me on an anti-depressant because I had some less than savory thoughts and told me that I should seek a support group. To be honest, that was the last thing I wanted. It's been two years now and I can hardly talk to my best friend about what happened or how I feel. So, I figured I would try it out.

I'm not in real bad shape any longer - I'm finally getting everything back on track, getting back to life - but I feel like this is all just a show for everyone else. I still feel miserable all the time, still have horrible flashbacks. I don't know how to talk to anyone about what happened or how I feel. I really just want to feel normal again. I want somebody to talk to, but I feel mute. I feel like if I say anything about it then that makes me a pity party, a whiner, etc.

I know this is probably the world's worst introduction, but I'm trying...

 

[Brontie]

Welcome! damagedspoon,

I'm sorry for your loss.

{{Hug}}

 

[cherryblossom]

I know this is probably the world's worst introduction

No, not at all ;)

Welcome to the forum. I'm sad to hear of the reason you have found this forum, but I'm glad that you have found us!
I just wondered if you ever sought therapy, or found a support group like your Doctor suggested? It probably sounds very scary but it might help to make contact with other people who've been through similar, or a counsellor who specialises in bereavement. Sadly, you are not alone in your suffering, having lost a child. I'm sure all your feelings are a completely normal reaction to an awful event in your life. And some help in dealing with all those feeling could really benefit you.

Well done for writing your introduction, and keep reaching out for support.

 

[damagedspoon]

No, I never sought a support group or therapy. I've carried this on my own, though I'm not sure if it's from selfishness or fear, honestly.

 

[cherryblossom]

Whether it's selfishness or fear, doesn't really matter. I think you would greatly benefit from talking to a therapist, but I understand that is not for everyone.

I don't know how to talk to anyone about what happened or how I feel.

Have you tried writing things down, if you don't know how to say them out loud? It is possible to 'self-help' through writing. Perhaps have a look at [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/ptsd-therapy-one-page-as-simple-as-it-gets.16010/"]One Page PTSD Self Help:Trauma Therapy
[/DLMURL]Maybe you could start a trauma diary here to explore some of your feelings and emotions. Just a thought

All the best
CB