Drama Invading My Cave.

[AmyO]

How in the world do you tell friends that they need to leave their issues at the door when it brings triggers in with it? I use 'friends' somewhat loosely as I just met them a while back and all of them act about as infantile as my boys (7-8-9) sometimes. All lower 20's (not trying to stereotype either, just descriptive) and in unstable relationships.

Last night I have one of the boyfriends showing up at my door drunk, crying and asking to see his girlfriend. I told him she wasn't here and be quiet because my kids were sleeping. He pushes past me and sits on the couch starting to bawl. At this point I feel my body starting to tense up and said just go home, sleep it off, and deal with it when you are sober. She called at that point and told him to WAIT at MY place. WTH???

I was feeling ill at this point at starting to get angry. I don't mind helping friends with problems, but this was ridiculous. Cell phones are going off, I keep checking on my kids. Thank goodness I ran them out of energy and were sleeping great at that time. She shows up and they start yelling at each other. I told them to take it outside and she is begging him not to hit her.

When I heard this, it was over. I stood in between the two and told him "You know I have Problems with this. You know I have history and unresolved anger at a man who ruined my life. Don't even push this!"
And he decked me for it. I don't even remember beating him down as bad as I did.

All I saw was my exes face. Felt all the rage at what he had done to my kids. To me. Total blackout.

I broke his jaw, fractured his arm, cracked five of his ribs, and busted his nose. And I feel awful about it. No charges are being brought because the police said there were mitigating circumstances but why do I keep feeling like I need to apologize? And why do I actually want my ex to try something now?

 

[Reclusive]

Wow, oh wow. You must be all over the place right now. I'm gonna sound like an *ss, but consider cutting out people who can't respect your boundaries. They not only disrespected your boundaries but did something damn near taboo - coming to your house in the middle of the night and having an argument. I'm outraged for you and kinda feel like he deserved it. How DARE he deck you in your own house!

 

[Jestadud]

I wish more could learn the power of ptsd as a defence mechanism.

 

[Cheshire]

Oh man.. hugs for you, if they're okay. Your head must be total chaos right now.

To be honest, I don't believe you owe anyone an apology. How dare they come to your house and do this?? How dare he HIT you?? Unbelievable!! I'm absolutely furious for you. I agree with Reclusive.. you need to cut them off completely. They are absolutely not friends if they feel it's okay to do that kind of thing at your place to begin with and to bring their issues there, and even moreso when instead of listening to you telling them that what they were doing was NOT okay, they amped it up more!

I'm guessing the feeling that you want your ex to do something is stemming from that level of anger and outrage and adrenalin that must be pumping through you right now, and maybe also the fact that you've seen you really can defend yourself - so the feeling of wanting to try that new power out on the one who caused you so much pain to begin with makes total sense.

 

[AmyO]

Hugs are always appreciated. I had them trying to come over back and forth all day until I just told them if they kept it up I would call the cops. You are right though I was so amped. I am more than relieved though that my kids didn't see. I did tell them too that they are not allowed around me or my kids anymore. And then they asked me to apologize and thank his girlfriend for not pressing charges.

I told them then that it wasn't up to her and they should thank me for keeping them out of jail. They got angry though when I told them compared to what I had already survived, that he hit like a 6 year old girl. :laugh:

 

[Reclusive]

Wow, check you out! You're really putting your foot down and standing up for yourself! I'm glad you've taken steps to get them out of your life - who needs that kind of drama? It's gonna sound goofy, but I'm just so excited for you!

 

[Cheshire]

I'm stupidly proud right now, haha. Pfft, them pressing charges? He hit first!

Next time you're feeling down or lost, make sure you read back over this post and remember this day and remind yourself that you really do have this strength and courage and determination in you :) (((AmyO)))

 

[AmyO]

Thank you so much, to both of you. It is so sad that I have this hidden pair of balls when I go into anger mode and when it affects my kids. But I ended up bawling for NO reason whatsoever today when I was grocery shopping and I just felt empty. I feel like I need someone to just knock me upside the head and yell "Snap out of it".

I was very bad though...I bought the first wave of easter candy. For myself. God bless Reeses. Who needs hips anyway?

 

[Reclusive]

Reeses are so my favorite! You deserve a treat, so no guilty feelings. I think the bawling was probably an emotional backlash. Now that things are calmer, you just gotta let it out. It's perfectly normal. I still think you're totally badass.

 

[anthony]

And why do I actually want my ex to try something now?

More than likely you feel courage right about now...

You kind off went from 0 to rage... not overly healthy, and maybe you could focus more on the underlying emotions that you have been harboring for this result to occur. Only a thought!

 

[mamachick]

I have a lot of empathy for you. I have made similiar choices. While I feel like a bxxxx for saying this, we all chose our friends. Drunk people do this. People under the influence of substances behave poorly. We will get caught in the middle. It takes much strength to decide to be alone until we have enough self esteem to attract positive people. Why be surprised when a snake behaves like a snake. If that guy pushed the issue, charges would likely be pressed, and its unlikely the judge would give a shit what your diagnosis is. You know your triggers, it is your job to avoid situations such as this. "If we do what we have always done-we will get what we always got".

Maybe I am wrong, but when you say that you actually want your ex to try something now, I hear that you want to continue in the manner that was destructive to you. Violence perpetuates violence. If you have children, they will not have a chance of peace if you continue on this course. I have a daughter who witnessed me being beaten only until she was 6 yrs old. She has beaten the crap out of men. She was present when her friends snatched an 80 yr old womans purse. The old woman broke her hip and could no longer care for her bedridden husband. He died and she ended up in a nursing home. Until this, she was capable.

There is no excuse for violence. I am sorry if this offends you. I don't believe in coddling this behavior. Guilt is not a bad thing-it has the ability to let us know when we have done wrong. What I heard from you is that you already know it, any there is no amount of Easter candy that will take remorse away. You have to live with it and you have the opportunity to change things-right here-right now-today.

Without help, victims become perpetrators and change starts with every one of us.

 

[AmyO]

No offense taken at all as you are absolutely right. I always try to fight the anger I feel at my ex because not so much what he did to me but to my children. Sometimes I need that little bit of constructive critisism to bring me back to what I need to focus on. The circle needs to end with me or my kids won't stand a chance. Especially since my youngest has that rage inside him too.

Thank you as well, Anthony, for the simple reminder that anger isn't healthy and I got to channel it more productively in order to teach my kids a better way. I told them a long time ago that we are a non-hitting family, but just the feeling brings negativity into the space.

Maybe it is because I have been feeling guilty more so lately that I should have been stronger to get out. That I used to be so confident and happy and that is all gone. That I am starting off at square one with my kids again, because they have regressed to a point that they have started to think it is okay to hit me again. I discipline with chores and 'boot camp' as I feel it gets my point across that I won't take it, but my heart breaks a little more each time that I feel like progress will never come. I see everyone around me with some semblance of happiness and I have to ask myself "When is it my turn? Am I that broken that no one will ever want me? Am I that ugly? And if I am, was he right that I deserved what I got?". Those have been my thoughts lately and I am angry at myself for it.