Just An Observation....

[angel2write]

Feeling guilty when bad things happen to us, and feeling like they're our fault, seems to be so common it's nearly universal. Kids whose parents get divorced automatically think, "It's my fault. I did something," even if they're very small.

I've decided this emotion is hard-wired into us. It's practically an instinct. Something bad happens and the first thing we do is think, "What did I do to cause this?"

Maybe it's a survival mechanism. We get bit by a snake and we instinctively ask, "What did I do to cause this? Oh- I put my hand under a black berry bush without looking. Stupid me. I'll never put my hand under a blackberry bush without looking again."

This works fine when we did have something to do with the trauma. It just breaks down when we're innocent or when the cause/effect chain is very complicated. Then we cast around wildly trying to find something to avoid, something to control, something to change. And we end up with triggers and guilt.

If the bad thing repeats and we still can't find any way we caused it, we start making up ways. I was stupid. I was ugly. I was bad. Then, to the triggers and guilt, we add shame.

This is just a theory of mine. Pay no attention to the overly-cerebral woman behind the curtain.... :cool:

 

[NIKI]

Yea...it's awkward. I actually might feel better if she started throwing peanuts at me. :)

OMG, I'm sorry, but that made me laugh! I hope that doesn't make you mad.

 

[Adrienne12]

No way Niki. I try to joke as much as possible. It keeps me sane.

Angel....I agree. I feel intense guilt. Part of my trauma was caused by me being in a bad neighborhood trying to buy drugs. I was young and stupid. Most of these people had no choice. They were victims of their parents circumstance. It breaks my heart.

FYI- I will NEVER stick my hand in a blackberry bush. I'm not even sure we have blackberry bushes in Jersey so I think I am safe.

 

[Tinyflame]

Angel, I think you are very correct.

 

[angel2write]

FYI- I will NEVER stick my hand in a blackberry bush. I'm not even sure we have blackberry bushes in Jersey so I think I am safe.

well, you know, I was practically raised in the woods by wolves, so my examples tend to be country. I have lots of experience with snakes and blackberry bushes, but very little experience with shoe stores, city streets, or drug dealers. I mean, who were we going to buy drugs from? The squirrels?

OK- drug pusher squirrels: "Hey man... I've got some fermented acorn juice here that will F**K you up!" :D

I did pull up a blackberry bramble once and find a curled up copper head napping there. But we had enough experience with snakes to know that they don't bother you if you don't bother them first. If only human abusers were so kind.

Am I babbling?

 

[Adrienne12]

Nope. I love it. It makes me smile. I grew up a city kid. I think the country would scare the hell out of me. I hate bugs and creatures. It's interesting to me the major differences between city and rural living. I see squirrels but only when I go to the park and they def. don't sell drugs. However, that would have been much more convienant.

 

[Bordo66]

True story,

But helping others is easyer then helping ourselves!

 

[Ted Moen]

Yep, it is much easier to be gentle with others than it is to be gentle with ourselves. The reason is in surviving the hostile situation we set some hard rules for ourselves and survived by adhearing to those rules or paid the price on any occasion we violated our rules. It makes us really uncomfortable when the rules aren't black and white and when we violate rules we have for ourselves. Being gentle with ourselves means softening some of our self-imposed rules, giving ourselves permission to let ourselves enjoy things we might have enjoyed if it weren't for the memories and rules.

Ted

 

[Reclusive]

I think it's more cultural than biological in nature. Our whole disciplinary system, from school to the afterlife, is built on making sure you do the right things or bad things happen to you. I have no idea what age the idea should be introduced, but somewhere in our learning system someone should tell us that some things are just out of control and bad things sometimes happen to good people for no reasonable reason.

 

[angel2write]

have no idea what age the idea should be introduced, but somewhere in our learning system someone should tell us that some things are just out of control and bad things sometimes happen to good people for no reasonable reason.

A lot of districts teach classes on safe touch and teaching kids who to tell and how to report if they're being abused now. Boy Scouts does a pretty good job of this, too. Maybe along with that. Maybe it would help kids not bully the ones who are different.

Yeah, like I believe that. :cautious: