Relationship Carer's Anxiety

[Error1]

As, a carer, I’m starting to have my own anxiety attacks. My sufferer is all I think about. I can’t sleep at night and have started waking up numerous times through out the night with panic attacks. They are now starting develop during the day also.

Right now, I’m starting to feel so overwhelmed and stressed. I am at work and have had to step outside several times today to try to collect myself.

My boyfriend (sufferer) and I live in separate households. He has regressed again and is refusing to answer my calls or my texts. I think about just showing up at his house, but I don’t know if that would go over so well.

Last week, I stopped calling him for a few days. I needed to restrengthen myself. He then started to text and call. He finally resorted to calling my friend to see if I was ok.

I just feel so lost and alone. I am seeing a therapist to try to help me cope. Yet everyday seems like an uphill battle. I don’t know how to communicate with him.

 

[valdoodle]

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. There is a lot of sound advice and help on here along the lines of looking after yourself first - you can't support anyone else if your own foundations are rocky. Build some strong support and be kind to yourself for a while. The advice on this forum has, and continues to, help me enormously with everyday issues. The advice has really worked for me ..... therefore us. I wonder if you would accept a (((hug))) from a fellow supporter.

 

[Error1]

Of course I would accept a hug!!!

I think the thing that bothers me the most is not hearing from him for days on end. He only answers text once in a while maybe 10% of the time. He doesn't answer my calls. I feel like every text or voice message that I leave has to be a cheery one.

I want to tell him that I'm freaking out, but I'm not sure how he will take it. Last week, he did the whole "I can't ask you to wait for me to get better. I don't think that you should put your life on hold for me." He also said that he will always love me but that he is not sure whether or not he is in love with me.

I told him that I will wait forever for him. I know that it might take awhile for him to get better or he may never do so.
This hurts because we were planning our life together. Moving in together and having children was discussed just 3 days before his attack. He was so excited about it.

He does go to see a therapist every two weeks and is on Lexapro to help with the anxiety.

I'm not sure if me texting and trying to call him (at least once a day) is a good thing. Am I suppossed to just leave him alone?

 

[Angus McGee]

As a fellow carer, I think that you posting here is one of the best things you can do. There are lots of smart people who are going through exactly what you are going through. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

Even though every person is different, and acts/behaves differently, Ive found there are a few commonalities.

#1 as hard as it is, don't take his actions personally. His actions are not about you. Sufferers don't know how they're acting, or who they're hurting or not hurting. They have tons of things racing through their heads, and a lot of it just doesn't make sense. It's almost like their new reality.

#2 you are not alone. As sad as it is, PTSD is a lot more common than one might think, and just as common are those who care about those who are suffering from it.

#3 medicine is not a treatment. It needs to be used as a coping device to help them get to the bottom of what's causing the PTSD, and treat it at the core. That has to be done with the help of a professional.

#4 learn all about the illness. It will help you communicate with him, and explain his actions when they just don't make sense.

#5 be patient. Healing can take a long, long time.

In answering your question in your post, I'd suggest telling him that you still love him, and am there for him for whatever he needs, whenever he needs it. If your bf is like my wife, you may get a "thank you". But that's it.

Give him his space, but don't blow him off.

Hope that helps.

 

[Nicolette]

As, a carer, I’m starting to have my own anxiety attacks. My sufferer is all I think about. I can’t sleep at night and have started waking up numerous times through out the night with panic attacks. They are now starting develop during the day also.

Error1, depending on how much you are involved with your boyfriend and how he treats you can lead to secondary wounding PTS if identified and treated at the right time or even PTSD.

Here are two articles:

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/ptsd-secondary-wounding.13875/[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/secondary-ptsd-an-overview.13742/[/DLMURL]

I would suggest you address this with your therapist or it could be something else like an insecurity developed from the huge change in attitude to your relationship with your Sufferer.

I want to tell him that I'm freaking out, but I'm not sure how he will take it. Last week, he did the whole "I can't ask you to wait for me to get better. I don't think that you should put your life on hold for me." He also said that he will always love me but that he is not sure whether or not he is in love with me.

I told him that I will wait forever for him. I know that it might take awhile for him to get better or he may never do so.
This hurts because we were planning our life together. Moving in together and having children was discussed just 3 days before his attack. He was so excited about it.

It sounds like your boyfriend may be scared and therefore has withdrawn from you. Sometimes it is simply their own guilt, or inability to be in a full time relationship. It is true that they can love you but be unable to sustain a relationship even if they thought they could.

I would strongly recommend you read all the sticky threads (ones at the top) of each of the Supporter sections and I recently wrote one about [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/waiting.16667/"]Waiting[/DLMURL] which I think you may wish to read as well as It [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/it-takes-more-than-love.9032/"]Takes More Than Love[/DLMURL].

In answer to your question re the texting and calling, I don't know your boyfriend but suggest that right now once a day may be too much for him. You also have to consider yourself in all this and what you can and can't handle.

Good luck.

 

[jenkins123]

Error 1
As an ex girlfirend/hopeful friend to a sufferer, I just wanted to extent the others wishes of compassion towards yourself. I've stayed around the forum as I find I can still learn about supporting my ex, plus myself, and the latter is as important as the former.
I sense your frustration which is why you really are in the right place, and the posts above are spot on (although I'm the last to say I learnt easily!). It already sounds like you are finding the lack of contact hard, as I did, and I just wish you well in your journey, particularly going easy on yourself. Someone once said to me that there's no manual for this, so true, and some things you have to do often go against your basic instinct with what you understand by the term "support", such as backing off a good while.
Take care.

 

[Error1]

So here's an update to where I am at.

#1 I am seeing a therapist once a week to deal with all of this and get to the root of the situation, which all starts with me.
#2 I am now on antidepressants and valium to asist with the the therapy until I am strong enough to be me again
#3 I have decreased my texting to once a day. Little things like "Good night " or "have a nice day" are sent his way. This way he knows that I am still there and that I am ok.
#4 I am being sent on a TDY for work for 2 months in 2 wks. I think this is a good thing by removing myself from the situation for a while. Not to worry, my therapist and I will correspond by email in the mean time.

Yet, this overwhelming feeling of guilt keeps looming over me. I don't want to adandon him. However, life goes on and I have to do what's best for me. Yes, you all caught me on a "good day." Tomorrow, I might feel a little different. More apprehensive.

In addition, I will never truly abandon him. Relationship or not. Friendship is very important. I wish he really understood how much I love and care for him.

Thank you for listening and your support.