New To Here.

[Faye_Valentine]

Hello. My name is Mikaela. I'm 23 years old and I live in Michigan.

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 14. I also was diagnosed with anxiety disorder, depression, and bipolar disorder: type II. I grew up with abusive and neglectful parents in a poor home.

Throughout time I had started learning how to cope with my issues and was doing quite well, until about 4 or 5 years ago. I had just left my first boyfriend and met a man whom I though was great but turned out to be a terrible person. He found out he could control me by intentionally giving me panic attacks if I didn't do things the way he wants and that relationship got out of control. Before he started acting that way we had a daughter together, and I feel that all he wanted was to use me to have her. Our relationship ended with me attempting to commit suicide..

Anyway, long story short now he has custody of her because he made me look like a crazy person in court, which wasn't very hard because at that time I was over medicated and very unstable from all of the stress and psychological abuse.

Every time I go to see her, the sight of him "sets me off" and to be quite honest, has ruined my relationship with my daughter because I'm afraid to see her, or play with her, or anything for fear of him harassing me again.

Since all of this has started happening it seems like my PTSD and other issues have gotten 1,000 times worse. I can't sleep at night, I either gorge myself on food or don't eat at all, I'm extremely emotional and constantly miserable. The thought of having to keep going over there brings me to tears every single time and I just break down. I can't handle it.. and by the time I pick my kid up I'm so distraught and out of it I find it hard to even talk, much less care for a 3 year old on my own.

So.. I've come here, to find guidance, look for ways to cope, and maybe find a bit of peace.

Nice to meet all of you. I hope that I can not only find what I'm looking for here, but contribute to helping others.

 

[amethist]

Hi Faye

Welcome to the forum.

This must be extremely hard for you to keep doing this.

Are you seeing a therapist, someone who can help you with not only this, but your past as well. A professional who can put your medication in order too, if you are still taking anything.

Is there a friend who can help you with your daughter, help you build a relationship with her. Being only 3 years old, there is still time to build it back up again, before she is old enough to be completely brain washed by her farther.

I really hope you can find some answers, advice, guidance, support and all the rest your deserve. Whether it be here or with a trusted therapist.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[anni]

Hi Faye,

I can't add an awful lot to what Amethist has said so well, except to let you know how very welcome you are, and seriously-how alone you're not. It seems so easy so say that in an on-line format but it's true. I'm not the only one here in the forum to have been through a court process similar to yours and there's no describing it, or what it leaves you with, I know. Yours left you with the loss of your daughter's custody on top of the horrific injustice, so makes it tougher to deal with I'm sure.

I hope being here at least can allow you to not feel alone with all this to begin with, and please do be sure of your welcome.

Do take care,

Anni

 

[BigBear]

Is there a friend who can help you with your daughter...
Amethist

I especially like Amathist's idea here. But please make sure that such a person isn't going to misuse the situation.

And we are always here to listen! To CARE!

Bear

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Faye)))))

Welcome to the forum. May you find healing, support, safety, trust, and hope here.

But first, the safety. This is always job one.

Keep sharing, reading, and speaking kindly to yourself.

Do you have some safe people in your life for backup, support, and validation? If not, were there any in your past who might be willing to hear from you again? You'll need...and DESERVE...support from safe people.

I'm glad you're here. You're very brave and a great Mom to be seeking answers.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi Faye,
The other community members have already covered the do-you-have-support bases, so aside from that, I will reiterate that you aren't alone, and we're happy to have you hear. Your story moved me a lot. I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through this. My boyfriend also learned that he could trigger me and use this manipulatively. Your court situation sounds like a complete nightmare. Don't be too down on yourself about your relationship with your daughter, though, as your own health will be important to the health of your relationship with her, and it sounds like you are open to working on those issues. Amethist's supportive friend idea was a great suggestion for time with your daughter, I think.

Also, I noticed Nyu as your avatar! I love Elfen Lied, in a it's-really-painful-to-watch-and-I-identify-highly-with-it kind of way. Don't you wish we had crazy ethereal tentacle hands, too?

I'd love to chat if you ever need to vent/talk/etc. *hugs*

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Hi Faye, how are you doing today?
A little insight to help ease the guilt. I had to raise 4 kids and believe me the guilt still eats me up, but I fight it because I know what was wrong with me back then - I was not emotionally qualified to be alone with them but I was and made the best of it. Now, I spend time talking to my adult children about those times and how I was void from feelings because of my disorder. You already know what the problem is - I was misdiagnosed for nearly 50 years! (My PTSD began at age 4). My children understand I was wacky through no fault of my own and your daughter will, too. So, there is always hope when you keep that option open. Rock On lady!

 

[Faye_Valentine]

Thanks so much, everyone for all of the kind words, support, and advice.

MissAntiSunshine: I love Elfen Lied, and thank you so much for the offer to chat with you.

Amethis: I have had people whom I thought were trying to help me, but they were only helping themselves and are now doing more harm than good. TBH, I'm tired of trying to rely on other people for any sort of help because they only let me down.

I also have been in and out of counseling and therapy for my entire life, since I was 7 or 8, because the incident that cause the PTSD started around then. I have a few close friends and an amazing boyfriend to talk to, and it helps but as of late I've been withdrawing from them, even. I don't mean to,... it just happens. :( I'm trying to work on that.

To everyone: It's amazing and wonderful and nice to see strangers reaching out to help one another and I commend all of you for that. This is a sad, crazy, and unfortunately selfish world we live in and it's really nice to see genuine compassion. Thank you all for that.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

You are young, do not let PTSD take away the fun and the love you and your child deserve to have. When you feel withdrawn ... just tell those who love and support you that you feel like withdrawing, and think what it is that brings you to this level, maybe you might find that trigger that began the 'feeling,' to cut yourself off. Is this feeling rational, logical or just distorted thinking masking another issue you buried in order to protect your emotions from being exposed?
And, if no one is listening - shout out to anyone of us on this forum, someone will be listening...

 

[Faye_Valentine]

Thanks.

The people who actually care about me are few, but they are still good people and I know I can always talk to them. I just have guilt for not being there or not being emotionally available. I have so much responsibility and so many people depend on me, and while I'm flattered than people feel that they can, the favor is not always returned when I need support and someone to depend on.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Sometimes we are too much for others - that's what I was told by my son - it freaks him out when he stumbles upon me during an episode.

 

[Dee Morris]

Sometimes we are too much for others.

I'm finding that to be true for me as well. My kids are actually more helpful to me during a panic attack than my husband. Actually, he has a tendency to trigger panic attacks. I hope not on person but it wouldn't surprise me.

One of the therapists I saw in the past gave me a very handy information sheet about how to manage my panic attacks that has been extremely helpful. I will see if I can find it & post it to you. For me the first step was learning to identify the onset of the panic attack before it progresses to a seemingly unmanageable level.