I Do Not Know What I Want But-

[OKRADLAK]

I am just looking for some kind of comfort.

My PTSD has hit the roof and I don't know what to do.

I see the forum and how it works. I see the stories of being able to tell someone about the trauma. I can't do that. When I was young, I was threatened with harm if I said anything. I also was thinking it was all hotair and that I needed to talk.

I did and the person made very good on their threats many years later.

What that did to my mind, well, no words on earth will describe. That happens long ago and I have not had one day beyond it. The colors, the smells, the everything.

I tried to tell my therapist and this wave of terror hit. I stopped. So now I wonder why I am in therapy. I tried DBT because you do not have to talk about the events. But it is unjust.

This is not a matter of just reporting anyone and having the guts to stand up....that is long over. I know that there is a monster and the monster can make good on threats.

I guess I am just looking for support because I can't say anything, can't tell anyone what happened to me, have to sit here in a ball............very very alone.

 

[seedling]

You are here with us and there are many who feel the same way.

Maybe we are all little balls rocking in the same boat. Hang in there.

 

[Sabrina71]

I think there are enough of us to be rocking the ship, and we all feel so alone. The fear, terror, anger... it keeps us all in little knots in our own corners. Here is a rare place where people understand and you are not alone.

 

[The Albatross]

No baby, you're stuck on silent. You are where you are and it's okay. This is a place for growth, not a measuring stick. Find a voice, literally, perhaps creatively, but find a voice and it's okay.

 

[seedling]

Exactly Albatross, it's okay to be where you are. I have something I need to say in therapy and have been thinking about bringing it up every session for the last three months. I just flood with shocked anxiety and go somewhere else. Think it's going to come out this week as I've said I have something to say. Not sure what will happen.

Just remember OKRADLAK that the first two letters of your user name are OK.

 

[Heather]

Hang in there OKRADLAK

HUGS. Lots and Lots of HUGS. Heather

 

[Ted Moen]

Therapy is at your own pace. When you are ready to talk with a safe person in a safe place, it will all gush out in spite of the feelings. In the meantime, work on identifying your symptoms and triggers and learning to managing your actual behavior in current situations while uncomfortable stuff is passing. If you are isolating, set up a series of small successes for yourself. When you feel like isolating, go out anyplace and set the goal of saying hi to one person (and smiling at the same time). Sales clerks and waiters count. Relatives count. Kids count (it's best if you know them). Anyone. Then go home and pat yourself on the back and reward yourself in a healthy and appropriate way.

Ted

 

[OKRADLAK]

Thank you guys for the encouragement. It means a lot to know that we are not alone!!

I think I am going to have to exit this particular therapy and work on finding a DBT therapist. This woman is just too close to those who harmed me.

The hugs were great! :)

 

[Abrasky]

(((hugs)))
You can get past that fear of telling. It just might take a bit longer.It sounds like an interesting thread, the fear of telling.It's got to be hard to not be able to tell things, but the shame belongs with those who told you not to tell and they were wrong.
:)

 

[Srain]

I surely know the price of telling and the horrendous price of telling - paying dearly and continuing pay with everything I have inside me, long after. I also know the terrible life of living in stark fear, nights sweats, nightmares, flashbacks, paranoia, and isolation.Once the price of telling was done it seemed odd to still live in such terror but I have for so many years, keeping secrets that have left me living very separate lives.

As Albatross and others said you go as at your pace we are all in this together and all you have to do is be here with us. Each of us finds our way at our own pace, the important thing is that we be able to find information that we need, ask questions if we have them, express ourselves, and know we are not alone.

...and of course the hugs ;)
((((((((((OKRADLAK)))))))))))))

 

[caliaviator]

*hugs okradlak*

You won't be alone, we'll always be at your side working with you. The past isn't the same as the present, even though our memories might take us there frequently. We care about you, and whatever those memories bring we'll bring our support and give it to you freely. :)

 

[freakofnurture]

Find a voice, literally, perhaps creatively, but find a voice and it's okay.

I second that.

Sometimes the psyche is amazingly simple to trick. So, maybe you can circumvent your trigger by telling what happened as if you heard that story about a friend of a friend of a cousin of yours. Or by telling it in the form of a fairy tale that's totally not true, wink-wink, nudge-nudge. Or by writing it down in code and only giving your T the key.
Anyways, good luck :)