Relationship Update On My Ptsd Situation

[the8track]

So, I'm sure most of you read the initial post on this forum and the whole deal with my ex and blablabla. Please give me the favor of reading all this crap I'm posting and giving a little bit of insight. I know it's dumb but you guys are the only advice I can trust.

We had a huge fight Friday night (she had HUGE anxiety after I started doing the "no contact" thing) I told her that I had to set some boundaries because she was cycling moods from angry to sad and constantly confused and being contradictory.

She proceeded to write 8 chapters worth of messages. All weird/contradictory (I don't need you I've already found someone else to talk to / I don't need any serious relationship I've grown so close to God and that's all I need / you said you wanted to be just friends and didn't even chase after me, do you know how much that hurt me?). She insists that she's had the best two weeks of her life ever and that I just don't see the new her (this is something very similar to my mom's manic episodes, btw).

It ended with me saying that I wasn't being irrational and that I wasn't calling her crazy. I said I couldn't keep talking to her by messages because it's too easy to take things the wrong way. She basically said, "you walked out on the friendship. goodbye".

Two days later she texted me out of the blue just being nice like nothing was wrong. She's still really sensitive if I don't get back to her. She's been trying to play plenty of games with me (trying to make me jealous, trying to get me to do stuff for her, doing things like "I kinda want to see you" and then saying she can't)

I saw her Tuesday and she was not right. Not right at all. Like, she looks different. She acts different. She has a huge wall built up and is over-reactionary. But she's TRYING to seem calm and under control. Every once in awhile I would see a glimpse of the real her. Whenever that happened it was like she mentally told herself "Uh oh, I need to build up that wall again!".

Anyway, should I just label this as girl games and give up and leave her alone? It feels like every time I go "no contact" she becomes desperate and things get better.

Or should I assume she's just whacky and wait it out without getting my nuts cut out? I mean, she is insistent that she wants to be "just friends". But I know that in order to be "just friends" you have to really have plenty of time apart.

Blablabla.

 

[amethist]

I am be wrong, sorry if I am but !!!

It seems like you wanting an out with this girl, but dont know how to do it. Or that your looking for someone to say it's ok to walk away if thats what you need to do.

It is OK for you to walk away from any relationship. If your not happy, for what ever reason, then do what you need to do.

If you took her PTSD out of this all together, would you hang around, being pushed away then wound back in again ???

Take care and do what's right for you, no one else.

Amethist

 

[the8track]

My feelings haven't changed on this. I'm just having a hard time deciding what is neurotic behavior she can't help and what is intentional controlling/abusive behavior.

For example, today she texted me saying "bring me lunch." and when I declined I got blocked on Facebook again and got an 11 text rant on how I'm a dick and she can't believe she dated me and wants me to stop talking to her. I know that's neurotic behavior and I know that tomorrow or the next day she'll be desperate to talk to me. I mean, every Thursday she's blocked me on Facebook for the last three weeks. By tomorrow or Sunday she'll be desperate to talk to me because she'd done that for the last three weeks too.

Someone being out of their mind and having an anger outburst, I can look past. But someone trying to play games with me, that's another standard. I've been giving her the benefit of the doubt with everything. Sometimes I just doubt what gets excused for PTSD and what is just someone being what others would call a "bitch". So no, not looking for a way out. Just making sure that I shouldn't get out, if that makes sense.

Either way I think I just have to go back to "no contact". Not because I want to but because she's being abusive now. Blablabla anyway.

 

[amethist]

If you want on the line straight answer then here is one for you.

If anyone did that to me PTSD or not, then they would have to go. This is abusive behavior , which ever way you want to dress it up.

But it is your choice., so maybe make a final decision and go with it. No one can decide for you, only give you there honest opinion.

Amethist

 

[May1321]

The 'no contact' thing for me has to do with not contacting my ex because I'm starting to feel my emotional stability being exhausted and need to regroup, go through my ups and downs without adding to the stress he feels. But I get what you mean about feeling like it's almost a double standard - so to speak. I get grilled with questions and accused for being too busy to contact him, seeing other guys, sad faces, etc. VS. defending myself, I'm working on just sticking to my truth - I need to regroup.

But someone trying to play games with me, that's another standard. I've been giving her the benefit of the doubt with everything. Sometimes I just doubt what gets excused for PTSD and what is just someone being what others would call a "bitch".

Maybe it's my rose colored glasses but I would like to think that ANYONE capable of playing games is just a symptom of whatever they are going through. Some people it is a learned habit that has been practiced for years and years is hard to break. They have lived in this twisted alternate universe because of how they have been trained either by another or themselves and what are 'games' to us, are just a means of survival for them. I feel as though she isn't playing games with you, she's just scraping for rocks to cling to as she hangs on this cliff of survival.

That being said..... it is a matter of what we are willing to deal with and what we are not and just being as communicative as possible in the calmest of manners. *shrug*

 

[angelheart]

It's hard, and the discussions going on here have been very helpful. I've never been in, nor seen much of an example of a healthy relationship. I am learning though.

I find it really difficult to balance communicating honestly and directly when something makes me feel uncomfortable without coming across as a frigid, uptight, bitch.

Sticking to my truth, knowing what that is, and implementing it...good advice May1321.

 

[May1321]

I find it really difficult to balance communicating honestly and directly when something makes me feel uncomfortable without coming across as a frigid, uptight, bitch.

Angelheart.

All I can say is I understand those feelings... I've was initially afraid of that, but not as afraid of that anymore if I am able to really get to the bottom (in myself) what I'm feeling before speaking.

I've done all from 'react' frantically, emotionally, weak, aggressively, and just walk away - feeling pushed in a situation to do so without just really taking a moment to breathe and sort out what I'm feeling and be true to myself, vs. maybe just reacting to someone elses stuff.

It still may come across as the above if not worded as correctly as possible, but I've been seeing this change in my relationship with my ex. He's actually waiting to hear what I have to say, and not flying too off the handle. He's also working to be as communicative/honest as possible with me in return. He's stated that he wants it 'cut and dry' and that he's seen a change in my confidence over the months. Maybe because I'm not frantically searching for answers that aren't within me. He's gotten more comfortable opening up to me, and talking to me and I'm learning when his anxiety level starts to rise that I need to take a rest with the 'talking' if there are no points really to be made and I'm just asking questions.

I can't say it'll work for everyone, but I started doing so after jumping on this forum looking for insight, reading books, etc. and made the decision very quickly that that was what I needed to do to keep it together. There are so many good points of view and insights on here from sufferers and supporters alike. All I can attest to is that I've felt a change in my confidence owning my truth. I have to admit, it's a remarkable feeling and I feel like I'm on the right track... maybe for me and my ex... but definitely for me.

Best to you!!!!

 

[angelheart]

Good stuff May1321. I've done all that reacting stuff and more.

I'm feeling like I am on the right track too...it's tough, but slowly getting there.

 

[the8track]

I've done all from 'react' frantically, emotionally, weak, aggressively, and just walk away - feeling pushed in a situation to do so without just really taking a moment to breathe and sort out what I'm feeling and be true to myself, vs. maybe just reacting to someone elses stuff.

Yeah, I've reacted in all of those ways myself. Each one of those ways just left me as a complete emotional/weak/anxiety stricken mess. The only way that's ever worked for me is when I told my ex last week that I had to set some boundaries in how much I communicated with her because her mood shifts have been difficult. Man, she threw the book at me. Told me I was walking away from the friendship, said I wasn't being here for her, said I lied, said she'd never loved me. I stuck to the script, stayed calm, and two days later suddenly I was her best friend and she was talkative, etc.

The problem with last week's episode is...I just took her back in and forgave her without ever actually bringing up her blowing up and the episode. So, a week later, I'm here dealing with her abusing me because she feels like she can because I put up with it and looked past it last week. It's like, "Oh sweet, my ex-boyfriend will allow me to unload a GREATER amount of my pent up anger for my past abuse than he did before! Sweet!" It compounds her sense of power and my personal emotional instability from it all.

 

[May1321]

The problem with last week's episode is...

From what you said, I think this is the thing... You didn't bring it up because maybe you weren't sure how to, BUT you accomplished keeping your cool when she blew up and said hurtful things, sticking to your point and even - tho painful - accepting that she pushed you away :tup:

So now next time, if there should be a next time, you'll be able to not only keep your cool but go "WHOA! I thought there was some sort of mutual emotional understanding when I forgave you after your last blow up and isolation but it doesn't give you a right to continue. I apparently didn't make myself very clear... I will not tolerate this."

Something to that affect. All growth comes in baby steps!! And I truly believe 'better late than never' :)

Each day I learn something new about my communication and the symptoms of my ex... what he does, what is unacceptable for me that he uses as an excuse, etc. I have to accept that if I state my boundaries of this and not ask for more than I know he is capable of giving right now, then if he walks away, it is by his own accord and it doesn't matter what I've said or done because I've kept it to my hurt and my point and my boundary. We can't 'attack' because we don't like to be 'attacked' but we have just as many right to address the hurt we feel coming from them, as they do from us.

Hang in there if you deeply feel it is right for you. She'll either come around or she won't but you won't resent and you won't feel wasted. ((((hugs for strength))))

 

[BigBear]

It compounds her sense of power and my personal emotional instability from it all.

Boy, I really don't like hearing "Sense of Power" when talking about a supposedly loving relationship. That's exactly the kind of relationship that it seems PTSD is created by.

Please be careful 8Track...

Bear

 

[Kintsugi]

It's like, "Oh sweet, my ex-boyfriend will allow me to unload a GREATER amount of my pent up anger for my past abuse than he did before! Sweet!" It compounds her sense of power and my personal emotional instability from it all.

I think, though exaggerated in your delivery, you are picking up here what this is really about for her and how she may be perceiving the situation (though of course I doubt she thinks in the terms above). I was a control freak for a really long time, and sometimes I'm still a control freak about certain things, though all this only in relationships (never controlling toward friends, co-workers, etc.). I went abroad for a summer and my BF at the time really violated my trust by breaking boundaries that I had set up for him. It was really painful. I fought with him for hours (this is a LOT of money in calling cards from US to Israel). I didn't talk to him for two weeks at a time. I was pissed. I considered just forgetting about him entirely. I was raging against my loss of control. I was throwing a tantrum over it. At some point in this vicious process, I developed acceptance and growth from this experience. I came back to the US different. We still broke up a few months later (for a period of time), but I found something in this experience. It gave me a new kind of strength. Not the strength of control but the strength to cope with and accept a lack of control (I can tell you, assuming you can control everything will leave you exhausted).

I'm not sure if any of this is helping. I think I am trying to say that I have used power and control in relationships harmfully before, and being knocked off my pedestal is generally a good thing for my personal growth. It is somehow harder to grow a sense of self when you feel like you are constantly trying to control the actions of others. It teaches little self-discipline and too many bad habits.