A Voice That Whispers

[LaurenRose]

I watched Mr. Brook (the movie) again yesterday. When I watched it the first time, it showed how my addict talked to me. So bang on. I was so relieved that I was able to watch it with my friends, who have no addiction experience, as a way of helping them "feel" what I am going through. My addict now has a buddy. "Suicide" has now partnered with "addiction" in attempting to take me to their space. The traumas I have experienced are the events, these people inside me are offering solution. I am currently forming a strategy and a clear understanding to use this movie as a tool to help explain this new person.

As in the movie, they are both there and they are sly. Deceptively effective in posing arguments and suggestions as to why I should listen and "obey" them. Thankfully I can't see them in corporeal form- that would be trippy. Sometimes I am influenced and it is difficult to separate what is the best way to handle the emotions from trauma. Having experienced brainwashing in that cult, it is challenging to say the least to figure out how I really think and feel and understand what to listen to in order to cope. Their arguments warrant consideration as I am continuously striving to ease the torture I am in. Sometimes I am so confused as to what is right, which way do I go, how to I "take that break." What is real and what is the illusion that their voices are the part of me that is trying to guide me in the right direction. The movie helped to bring it into perspective. One thing it has done is helped me to isolate the need in me to get away from these "F'd" up thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Now I have a new way of dealing with the voice, that person who is trying to remove me from life. I am struggling so hard to ferret out what is good and helpful from what is harmful. Anything to get me out of "right here right now."

Does anyone else battle with this?

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, sort of, not a 'voice' but a 'drive'. The 'lies' (thoughts) too, I guess. Cannot recall the author but there is a book, I believe called "How I Stayed Alive While My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me", that I think you might find useful.

 

[LaurenRose]

Thanks junebug. I am always on the look out for new books that help either shed some light or make me go "hmmm." Have a nice little collection now.

 

[Lionheart]

I am struggling so hard to ferret out what is good and helpful from what is harmful. Anything to get me out of "right here right now."
Does anyone else battle with this?

Yes, I have battled this, the thing is the only way through the abuse is through it. That can take us out of right here and now temporarily, but in the long run helps us to live in the moment. Fortunately the past is over and today is so much more beautiufl than yesterday. I hope you will find this is true for you as well. :)

 

[freakofnurture]

I wouldn't describe it as voices or persons inside me, but rather a radical change of perspective. It's not nearly as severe as it was, but there were times when I was constantly confused about what is true, what I am, what I should think, what I should feel, how I should act. It felt as if I was slipping from one of four different worlds into the other; each world had an 'opposite' and two 'partners' with similar attributes.

It made me feel like I was changing, too. In one world I was this person, in the other world I was a different one, because of the different attitude towards the world and the different view I had of myself. It was incredibly hard to stand at times, because I am scared of making a wrong decision and being wrong in general. I double and triple check and then a fourth time to be really really sure, and even then I don't trust my opinions to be reasonable. I don't remember how I managed to even function after I became conscious of those slips.

I made a graphic of the four worlds some years ago while trying to figure out what was going on. Sadly I lost it (searched frantically some five or six months ago :/) and don't remember everything well enough to recreate it.

I think now that these slips were caused by the extreme mood changes I had during that time. Meds made my mood more stable and the changes in perception have become less crass and obvious, although they're still there. I've become more able to tolerate the fact that things look different on some days, I think. Also I've decided which world I like most, and I keep reminding myself of this perspective when I am in another one. It helps me to stay conscious of the fact that the horrible worlds aren't the only ones there are.

@jellymint: Maybe you already do something similar, but when I read your post I thought, maybe you could write down the 'truth' for yourself in a littel note book, you know, in a clear moment when you are in a neutral or positive mood. So when addiction and suicide start to talk again, you can look up the truth in your notebook.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I struggle with this. TO me, it still seems viable. I did a lot of research on it and discovered more people suicide every year than are murdered. History is full of it. It was the favorite indoor sport of the Romans! So now it is hard to convince myself otherwise. I am here because I still have family that loves me and because the people who did this to me are still alive. If those things changed, I am not sure I could find some objective truth to keep myself around.

Sorry. Another negative post. Better not listen to me.

 

[freakofnurture]

I am not sure I could find some objective truth to keep myself around.

I didn't mean objective truth. I meant truth in the sense of "How OKRAD sees the world and her/himself when s/he's having a good day" (I'm sorry, I searched but couldn't find out what gender you are o.o).

What do you find worthwhile when you are in a bright mood? What do you enjoy? What do you look forward to? Little things, comfy moments, good smells, awesome food, nice views, fun people... What do you like about yourself? What are you proud of? What do you have to give to the people around you? Where have you grown?

All these things haven't suddenly become worthless or icky when you're down, you just can't see how awesome they actually are because suicidal ideation is blocking your view with its ugly, bloated monster face. When you give that little sucker what it wants, you allow it to rob you of every single nice thing waiting for you. Don't give a stupid, mindless monster so much power. You have seen those nice things, you have thought so good about yourself; you know it's the truth and it's still there, patiently waiting as long as it takes for you to come around again :)

 

[OKRADLAK]

That is a very comforting post, Nurture. I really wish I had that left but I really don't. The things I like, when I like them, it is rare.

I live in the moment, but they are not good moments. Living in the moment is only good if, really, you can get beyond it.

I cannot explain this further. I wish I could. :(

 

[freakofnurture]

OKRAD, I so want to hand you a soft warm blanket and a stuffed animal to cuddle. In my mind's eye I see a lost, crying child.

You don't deserve to feel so low, and you don't deserve your last feelings in life to be so full of despair. I know it's hard and it hurts and it doesn't feel like it's ever going to stop, unless you stop. I remember clinging to the mattress at night to keep me from getting up and ending it.

OKRAD, rare is not non-existent. And you know from past experience that there can be good moments; lots of them. Collect those memories, recall them and indulge in them, shamelessly and as much as you possibly can. Practice feeling something good, focus on how you used to enjoy things. This is all still there. It's all still possible. The bad feelings are only a veil hiding the rest of the world; they're not all there is. For I tell thee, depression is but one big mind f*ck ;)

Remember how you worked your way back up the last time? You did that. It happened! And all the skills you used to do it, all the insights you gained on your way up, they're still there. Recover them. Retrace your steps. Think of all the victories you had while recapturing your life.

I'm sure there's a good little moment close to you, getting ready to be enjoyed :)

 

[Sethe]

...
Deceptively effective in posing arguments and suggestions as to why I should listen and "obey" them. Thankfully I can't see them in corporeal form- that would be trippy. Sometimes I am influenced and it is difficult to separate what is the best way to handle the emotions from trauma.
...
Does anyone else battle with this?

Yes. Voices. Oh yeah. I've been developing another 'voice' over the years to combat them.

Lots of stalemates.

 

[Kintsugi]

I have one demon I feel talks to me, insidiously telling me everything I never needed to hear--lies and negativity, making me spiral further, dragging me down, telling me when I swim to just let myself pass out in the water. I am trying to remove her as best I can. I have very vivid visuals of her, so I am trying to come up with a visual image of the anti-b*tch to make her leave. So far this is working fairly well. It feels a little like lucid dreaming sometimes.

OKRADLAK, I wish you could enjoy your own existence as much as I enjoy having you here! I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes. But I know that isn't how it works.

 

[LaurenRose]

Maybe you already do something similar, but when I read your post I thought, maybe you could write down the 'truth' for yourself in a littel note book, you know, in a clear moment when you are in a neutral or positive mood. So when addiction and suicide start to talk again, you can look up the truth in your notebook.

This is a great idea thank you freakofnurture. I journal exhaustively which is a method I use to try and sort out what is going on inside and to find my "truth." My troubles arise in that I can find something that rings true for me, but when I look look at it, it becomes a mirage and I can no longer tell if it is real. Perhaps the simple fact that it exists, that I thought about it validates it as some sort of truth. No, I can't go there because that would also mean that the bad bad bad thoughts I have would also be true. I keep writing, keep sorting it out. One of the things that I do find helpful is cataloging quotes I find from others that give me a positive ponder. I find it so distressing to come smack up against doubt. To write out a list of what I find as personal truths seems almost like self-harm at times. It can toss me into a storm of fear and indecision and threatens the tenuous ground that is sustaining my life.

I am here because I still have family that loves me and because the people who did this to me are still alive. If those things changed, I am not sure I could find some objective truth to keep myself around.

OKRADLAK, this would be one of the "truths" I can absolutely say is true for me. My kids are anchoring me to this life.