A Voice That Whispers

[LaurenRose]

I am so embarrassed and frustrated. Seems like I am hitting the wrong button and hitting post before I can finish my thoughts.

 

[LaurenRose]

OKRADLAK, this would be one of the "truths" I can absolutely say is true for me. My kids are anchoring me to this life. For a long time I was in the place where I was struggling with hanging on because I needed to find out if there was something that would blossom into meaning for me in this life. Then one day I was having a conversation with my 27 year old son. He was asking me with such naked honesty if I thought he was a good man. Something shifted with a "decisive click" inside of me. I was important to him, to the fabric of his existence. In the space of a heartbeat, it took suicide off the active table. Now it is with a longing rather than an action. I realized that I couldn't put them through that kind of pain, that I never ever ever ever want them to experience that. It was always present when I was in the throes of suicidal ideation, but until that moment I had never experienced the fullness of it. This is what grounds me to this life now. Today, I struggle with the worry that it will once again lose its importance. That being said though, the determination to find a way to beat the feelings of helplessness and weariness down has been strengthened. I worry (with just cause) that I will, in a singular moment, give into the weariness.

 

[OKRADLAK]

. Now it is with a longing rather than an action. ...........I worry (with just cause) that I will, in a singular moment, give into the weariness.

These two statements are very strong. And I understand them greatly.