Where Am I Going?

[revelry]

Ian,
I hope all is going well for you. You were still posting over the weekend..... Did you get to get out like you were hoping??

 

[Ian Vp]

Yeah I went to my parents for the weekend and put together 2 sets of bunk beds for my kids to come down and visit next weekend. I got to cook with mum which i have done most of my life and enjoyed. I am back at the hospital and into the next week of treatment. Have homework to do now out of hours which is fine. Couldnt go to the gym today which was a bit of a bummer so it was just push ups instead. Not trying to take the easy out but after numerous coments by drs and nurses I am thinking about what I could do for the rest of my life if I wasnt a Policeman. Scary thought. Only trained to do one thing and now cannot cope with doing it. In any case I am distracting myself by thinking of lots of outside the square type carers that I could take up that would fit into my ptsd quirkyness. I dont have to make any decisions at the moment it is a long way off but I am trying to define myself and then see what I can make from it. I behaved on the weekend and I think they will let me out next weekend to go for a walk with Anthony and Nicolette at Albert Park.

 

[revelry]

Good, sounds like things went pretty well for you then. Im happy to hear it.
As for work, is there a way that you could stay in police work, but not be quite so 'hands on', maybe dispatch or something of the like?? Will they work with you, to try and get another position?

 

[Ian Vp]

No its either kit up and be fully opperational or out. There are too many triggers at work ( any stationi) and they are concerned about my potential for a melt down. They also look at the warings of the side affects of the medication I am on and they are reluctant to put me in a position where I amy lose control. I am not concenrtating on it now but am trying to get used to the idea in the back of my mind so that it isnt such a rude shock if it does happen. How are you with your partner at home?

 

[revelry]

What other skill sets do you have, or interest that you can pursue? What did you do before you got into law enforcement? Is going back to school an option? I understand that right now probaly isnt ideal (give yourself some time to get things under control and heal) but it's worth considering. And once you do get things managed, it may help to provide some balance, and a good goal to achieve. You'll have a great sense of accomplisment, especially after all you've been through (((hug)))

As fro me, Well, I wish he was with me.....(600 miles apart) but we're talking more, and thats good, He's expressed concerns as far as work, and what he will do if he's NOT in the military, so i'm understanding his stress better (and yours), and some of the reasons he pushes me away, I think he's concered about not being able to provide for us and I can understand that, but money isn't important to me---It never has been. He's made comments like 'You deserve better' and 'this isn't fair to you', but when i ask if he's trying to push me away, he says no. Ordinarily, (or al least before all my research) I would be really, REALLY confused, but I think it makes more sense now. Thanks for asking :), It's thoughful of you considering all you have on your plate.

 

[Ian Vp]

I can only say from my expereince that I am in a constant state of information overload and confusion. There are absolutes within each of us that we hold to be true and beliefs such as having to look after your family and kids. I dont have an identity problem with separating myself from my role as a Policeman but I want my family to be provided for and to be proud. I think everyone wants their kids to think their dad is a hero and that is a hard sell when your dad is seeking treatment at a mental facility. There is also having to face telling what feels like the rest of the world that you have a mental problem and that is why you failed to succeed at being a Policeman / Soldier / whatever. I am not saying that to be self critical it is just the way if feels when your community see you and picture you as one thing and then you have to explain to them why you cannot endure it any more. There is a fear of mental health issues in every community and to declare yourself as having mental problems to your home town etc is very tough. I cannot comment on that any further becasue I have not done it yet and it is still one of my bigger fears rolling around in the back of my head. I think for me if I can reinvent myself into something that I can believe in and be successful in and then have people associate me with that I will be happier. It is just a scary jump to make and there are no guarentees. Heres to hope.

 

[revelry]

I understand, society has come a long way as far understanding and accepting mental illness, but truthfully we have so much further to go. I think, for people who are unfamiliar to it, they figure that because they cant SEE the 'broken leg' or 'cut arm' it's not real. My mother is Bi-polar and that was always an issue growing up. People couldn't always 'see' that she was sick.
Ian, hun, you have to remeber that you didn't ask for this, and this is a by product of trauma. As far as being a hero to your kids...that has nothing to do with your job. Being a hero to them centers on just being in their lives, fixing meals, and kissing boo boos. Those are the things that make a dad a hero. Be kinder to yourself.
We all think about 'what other people think' but realistically, I think we need to remind ourselves that we are the only ones in our own heads, trying to get thru our own lives, and sometimes that alone can be tough enough. When its all said and done, hopefully you can say 'I've got a head full of PTSD and I'm managing, what are you complaining about????' and walk away with your head up high :)

 

[Ian Vp]

True enough Revelry and I will quit my job before I cause any more pain for my family. I am committed to getting too a level where I can manage my symptoms and then I will make a more balanced opinion with some advice from those closest to me. I love to cook for my family and care for them but when my daughter was asked at school, "What does your daddy do?" she said, "He goes to Melbourne to see a psychologist to fix his headaches." I know that this will only be a phase but I certainly want to be more than that. And I dont want other kids giving my kids a hard time about their loopy father at school either. It will all be good, if I could only fast forward everything a year with all my treatment done I would. As it is in realitly we persist. Sounds like you have had your hands full with multiple people suffering from mental issues within your life. You must truely be a strong person and you should be proud of yourself that you can keep pluging away. Talk to you later (())

 

[Lionheart]

Ian, I just wanted to say that I think what you are doing is hard and you should be given a pat on the back for doing it.

I was an automobile upholsterer for nearly 20 years, but had to quit working due to my PTSD. I worked until the stress was so bad that I literally could not stand up on my own two feet. This is how far it drug me down before I got help. I am not trained to do anything else and I suffer from multiple chronic illnesses. (anyway enough about me)

I think you should be proud of the work you are doing on your treatment! I know it must be hard to be patient with your progress, but I think if you can accept that it is sometimes a slow process, it will keep you from getting "stuck' and "spinning your wheels."

I wish you the best with your recovery!!!

Lionheart

 

[revelry]

Lionheart is right, you should be VERY proud. Considering where you were when you started this thread, you have come a long way in a short time. You seem so much more grounded and less anxious. Only you know for sure, but it's just my observation.
As for your kids, just be a good dad. thats what they need and what they'll remeber. teach them to be a good people, to help, and have enough conviction to not give a damn what other people think. Everthing will fall right into place. Im sure of it. :)
PS---thx for the compliment... i kinda needed it today :)

 

[Ian Vp]

Thanks Lionheart, I am speedily being patient. Will try my best.

Revelry, I know there are a few carers out here on this site but you put a lot in to understand your partner and now you have even taken on other strays with thier own issues. I look forward to seeing your messages while I am in hospital, it does keep me connected to the outside world and try to keep focus on my ideal of getting better and then when the dust settles figure the rest out. I spoke to a policewoman in here who just arrived yesterday. She is no longer in the job and out of the 10 people who did her ptsd course 7 are out and the other three are on their way out. Not trying to be defeatist but it is good to know what reality is. Thanks to you all. (()) See everyone from Melbourne at the walk around Albert Park on Sunday at 9. I am a bit freaked out about going but I am still going so there is the challenge to all you ather Melbournians. See you there.

 

[revelry]

Thnx, I just want to understand and to help wherever I can (maybe that's why I've gone back to school for nursing....lol )
I hope you enjoy yourself on Sunday. You can be freaked out (i'll let ya lol:laugh:)...nothing wrong with that...just grab it by the horns and go!!! :D