Getting Close To Someone?

[OKRADLAK]

Well, there is a man I have known and we have been getting closer. He has not asked me out but we have had some of "those" talks where it's like, CLICK CLICK!

I am not sure he ever would ask me out because I feel like people know I am so messed up. You can't tell, but I feel I have a sign that says "Freak"

ALready I am freaking, but don;t want to freak. I want to get to know him more, but I see how hard it is to have PTSD and a relationship! It's so crazy. I have had them.

Since nothing has come of this yet, I am not too freaked, but it is still tormenting me, knowing that ANYONE I ever date will be stressed by this. I know I will not be the partner I want to be. I will not be able to do many things without additional trauma.

Love is trauma to me now. To have to caress when I am flashing back, to have to be caressed when I am disassociating.............these things are VERY hard for me, but frankly, people get into relationships because they want to be close physically. I do too, but I can't without GREAT GREAT trauma. :( Even a kiss has sent me into flashbacks and even non sexual caressing has sent me into a few days of serious rapid disassociations.

So I am so torn...........running away from all contact, going to a place where no one even speaks my language so I will not even be tempted to get into relationships.

Running from wanting to know this kind man, running from wanting him to find out anything more about me........

PTSD friends in relationships.....tell me.....is it really worth it? Does it get better? Or are we all in an in between period and the PTSD will win later??

 

[curiouser]

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, yes things got better, and yes it is so worth it, just ask my amazing husband of 7 yrs, we are still so much in love and I met him 2 years after my trauma and after I was diagnosed with having PTSD. He has been with me through a lot of struggles and dark moments in my life. I have to add my trauma is murder related, not rape or really all that relationship based.

There was a long time where my self esteem was really low and I would feel guilty, I told him just think what you could have had if you married someone else, how much better his life could have been. His answer to me was that no one is perfect and that being with someone else would have just meant different issues, plus he would have lost out on all of the things he loves about me.

I will admit I've worked very hard to get symptom free at this point and continue to work on myself as needed, which I think helps, but when you love someone, I think you love all of them, the good and the bad and you make it work because anything is better than being without them. I use to think I was so lucky, now that my self esteem is better, I think we both are so lucky to have each other.

I know you're scared and worried, but maybe try to give the other person a chance and let them decide for themselves if they want to be with you PTSD and all or not. You never know what might come of it, unless you put yourself out there and try. I know it's a risk, but sometimes it's like the saying, with great risk can come great reward. That said I do think that if your trauma relates closely to dating or being intimate with someone, than it might be better to wait and work on yourself until you can manage your symptoms, have coping skills etc., have some self esteem, and feel more comfortable with dating.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Good points and good advice! Yes, my PTSD would affect relations, so it may be better to wait. It is hard to be alone, but I do not want to hurt anyone and I do not want anymore emotional pain,either!

I will consider your words as I feel this out. Thank you!

 

[hazen]

I agree with curiouser. I also think that everyone is different and so I feel like giving advice with relationships is hard to do because different people can make different things work.

My wife actually guessed I had PTSD long before I had any clue... because she has dealt with PTSD herself. In the earlier parts of our relationship I don't feel that I was very respectful of her boundaries... I only learned with time to be a much better mate. Also, once I began to understand my own PTSD, it has actually only strengthened our relationship, because she already had ideas about how to approach it with me, and I became more respectful and understanding of her own issues.

But you can't go around searching for someone with PTSD who is ready to be a good companion... it just doesn't work that way. So I'm almost hesitant to mention our relationship because I don't feel like its a typical example... two people with PTSD doesn't always equal a great match.

I think that you do indeed have to be prepared to be in a place where you are able to bring someone in to your own issues, and they have to be someone that can respect and understand your boundaries. I feel like so many people deal with things in relationships because "oh thats how they are". Screw that! Find someone that can respect your issues and boundaries and work WITH you... and make sure you are ready to work with THEM.

My two cents! :)

 

[OKRADLAK]

Thank you, Hazen. I am REALLY considering all that you guys say........it's been on my mind so much. On one hand, I was so much to be close to someone and on the other, it scares me and makes me feel panicky and disgusted with myself.

It is hard to find stable people anywhere. Yes, I agree, each person is different. PTSD would not rule out a potential partner. I just wish I could get healthy enough to not feel like I have to be alone.

TIll then, I better really be alone, though! I can't even stand to be hugged, so I have to start pulling back again and into therapy again. I need a good PTSD therapist.

 

[Spero3]

Okradlak,

When you find the right person, it can work. I have so many issues around emotional intimacy, because anger equates abuse and violence in my mind. I have always stuffed my anger, because I was afraid of the anger I felt and afraid to express it for fear I would be rejected or hurt. My mother expressed anger through violence and rage. My ex husband, and others with whom I have been involved, were also abusive and my emotions and feelings were discounted. I kept shoving down my anger until I couldn't contain it anymore. I then released it in an ugly way which just reinforced for me that anger is bad.

It is only in my current relationship that I feel safe enough to learn to open up and express my anger in a constructive way. And, I am only able to do that, because my partner is stable, loving and willing to listen to me. She has made it safe for me to talk to her and to tell her when I am hurt or angry. The first few times I tried to express my anger to her, it came out ugly and hurtful. But, she is a forgiving and understanding and she knows I am working hard to learn to talk to her constructively. I had a big breakthrough (for me anyway) this past week in talking with her, and she knows I am working hard. I have also been able to share with her stories of the abuse, so she knows what I am dealing with. She stays calm while I thrash about attempting to get it "right." She has given me what I thought I would never have, what I thought was not possible - real intimacy.

If this man is the right person, he will listen to you and he will give you the room you need to learn, grow and feel safe. The only way you will know if he is right is if you open up to him. The idea of doing that is probably terrifying, but you can do it at your own pace.

A relationship is worth it if it is right, and everyone deserves to love and be loved. If you always run away, you may lose the opportunity to have what you want - a loving, intimate relationship. Relationships are scary, but it what humans are all about. :)

Spero

 

[OKRADLAK]

I have decided to do some more work before exploring relationships. Every time I get close, I pick the wrong person anyway. This man turned out to be troubled in a way that just confuses me.I do not need that, even though care about people who are troubled!

After I told him I enjoyed our talks, he got really withdrawn and the next day I saw him he breezed right past me and ignored me and even became rude. Ouch.

I have been through enough to know it was not me. He may have Asperger's. He seems oddly like my ex who really did have it. The blocking, the freezing the ranges of being able to be social, with the down times just so severe and sad. I know it was not me. I have only been kind to him and not pushy.

It is just I was attracted AGAIN to a person who would be terrible for me. And he goes to a place I go a lot, so I am SOOOOO EMBARRASSED!!! When I see him now, I feel like I should never let him know I enjoyed his presence. I feel ashamed when I see him now. Bathed in shame shame!!:oops:

So more therapy...............................until I CAN choose a healthy person. :tup:

 

[AngelaMarie]

Okradlak,
Don't feel ashamed. You are not alone. I always seem to have this amazing gift that if there would be lots of men in a room I would pick the one that was the worst for me. It seems that I kept getting involved with men that had alot in common with my father who abandoned me and was emotionally unavailable.

You should be proud that you see the pattern and are working on getting better and having good relationships in the future!:tup:

 

[OKRADLAK]

I always seem to have this amazing gift that if there would be lots of men in a room I would pick the one that was the worst for me.

Boy, me too! AND the ones everyone in the entire world knows is trouble ....like a magnet!! But yes, I am glad I at least see it now and refuse to bite. You are right. Even it took it a long time, well, it's progress!:)

 

[Spero3]

Okradlak,

I am really sorry that happened. It was sounding like he was a really nice guy. *sigh* Yeah, I used to always pick the bad seeds, too. We all tend to repeat patters. We seek what is familiar even when it is unhealthy. With time, you will get there. Just don't give up. You can find the right person.

Spero

 

[Lionheart]

I have decided to do some more work before exploring relationships.
So more therapy...............................until I CAN choose a healthy person. :tup:

Good for you OKRADLAK, :)

To my mind, it is a big step to take time to work on yourself and not push towards a relationship. I am sure with a little effort and time you will find the correct person for you. I learned this lesson the hard way by picking the wrong types of people and not going slow enough when I first met them. I have taken the past several years to work on myself and now, I feel I am ready for a relationship, but then, it will happen when the time is right....as it will for you.:cool:

 

[Moecakes]

Relationships can be challening but what I find to help my boyfriend with his PTSD is being supportive. Just because you have PTSD does not mean not you cna't be love because you can but love yourself first and everything else will fall in place. God will send you who he has for you just be patient they will be on their way. Keep your head up and stop looking for companionship let it come to you. I have a hard time dealing with not going out to much or goingto certain places or but I just try to find other things for us to do that makes him comfortable... Becasue we all need to be loved and give love to others. It's been so many times I wanted to walk away but then I realize that is not going t o help stick in there with him is what matters.