The Dating Dilemma

[AzureMind]

I've had sex a whopping 7 times in my WHOLE life (I'm 22 now) ALL OF WHICH WERE VERRRRY UNCOMFORTABLE AND DISAPPOINTING :(...I know TMI....but I'm frustrated!! In more ways than 1!! :mad: :roflmao:

My parents (in all my recollection) haven't ever hugged me (not even on Christmas) and always acted as if feelings, or MY feelings/desires for affection were strange, irritating, and to be ignored, and I've literally had to "beg" for hugs which I NEVER got (I don't remember EVER being hugged genuinely by my parents AT ALL) which lead to the subsequent stuffing down of my emotions for as long as I can recall.....

I outwardly look very cold, stoic, overly-serious, snobbish, but I'm FAR from it....I'm a VERY nice guy when you get to know me (as if you couldn't tell from the litter of smilies I have all over this thread? ;) lol).... despite being a very warm, loving, and DEEPLY ROMANTIC guy, I'm just not comfortable with outward displays of emotions or receiving them and ESPECIALLY not with asking for affection or being "chummy" with people because I never, EVER got them from my parents... how are people just so "chummy" with each other? I don't get it :confused: lol ....

I'm always ALONE, I walk alone, I do EVERYTHING alone working out, studying EVERYTHING; I'm a relatively attractive guy, (I take care of myself; I take pride in my appearance despite the occasional self-pokes I make at myself :) ) and I've made a few passive/mutual friends but nothing that I feel I can make substantial....I want to date, but I don't even know HOW to express myself with someone comfortably without dissociating, getting EXTREMELY anxious, and hidding my emotions and looking all "stuffy and arrogant"....I don't know WHAT to do about this one:(....I'm lonely, for that PERSON (not to just be with others) that I can share my DEEPEST, AND DARKEST feelings with...I want to be loved, and understood by someone....MY someone....My brother has gone from relationship to relationship, and I'm quite wise in matters of partnership (I just "get" things innately ya know? :)) but I'm starting to look really "weird" not having a relationship of my own to apply my knowledge to....idk...go fig....

Anyhow, most people are really "afraid" of me....I'm one of those types that project this just "mean/serious" aura...and honestly, I'm MORE afraid of them, but to survive, I had to learn NOT to show it, that includes my FEELINGS....I'm VERY afraid of being touched, because honestly, I'm NUMB to it....or I show intense reactions to it, that embarrasses me.....what seems like a simple "roll in the hay" to the other party is a chance for me for "feel" loved/appreciated/valued/desired....I NEVER felt that way from my parents.....I sure know how to pick 'em don't I guys? lol

Any advice on this mess I call my dating life? :confused: lol

 

[Lionheart]

Azuremind, that is really sad to me that your parents never hugged you. :(

There is nothing wrong with expressing our feelings of affection. It sounds to me like you might have begun to shut down as an automatic reaction to touch. A good therapist can help you to learn touch as a positive experience by giving you exercises that you can do alone and/or with a partner that will move you from self touch to light expressions of affection like holding hands with a partner to more intimate touch like hugs, kissing etc. I think it would be well worth the time and effort for you to look into this type of therapy.

For me, I had stuffed my feelings for so long that it had become an automatic reaction and it took me some time to "thaw out." Becoming comfortable with my own feelings was the first step to becoming comfortable with relationships in general. The biggest problem I had is that, I tried to think my feelings away rather than simply feeling them and letting them pass naturally.

I think when you have learned not to stuff your feelings that these emotions will become more natural for you and then you will not feel so awkward with outward displays of affection.

I wish you the best as you move forward with your healing,
Lionheart

 

[Nighthawk]

Well hmmm. I know i want someone in my life but manage to push them out or not let them in I come across as angry and hard and I am not. I have been in 2 count them 2 relationships in 40 years:eek: Trust is and abandonment are huge issues for me so I tend to end things before they even begin. I wish I had the answer to give you. Knowing we want something and changing enough to achieve it may not be as easy as we would like but I am truly starting to believe there are tools to be put in that chest that will help you and I reach that goal one day. Blah blah blah and I could go on and on. I just wanted you to know you are not alone:rolleyes:

Good luck , stick with it

NH

 

[njray]

Azurmind,

I commend u for for identifying these issues within you. I truly believe you posed some very good questions about your self possibly because of your upbringing and the examples of your parents and environment, Be careful of numbers (although it seems to be what our society today is concerned about these days). I am embarrassed to ask this question. What do you mean by sex? I have heard kids (M&F) at 14 yrs of age saying BJ is not sex? ....... it is more important IMHO to look at the quality of the relationships you are having. Have they been healthy relationships? What are the qualities that are healthy in a relationship to you? Many people have different thoughts on this. Again, I really praise you for being able to identify these questions again with in you!

My parents were not affectionate towards each other...In truth there was disrespect IMHO of each other.
Hence today I am a very touchy fealy kinda guy because of it...... Holding hands, kissing and showing affection (*appropriately) in the physical sense is important to me........ That said emotionally I have a very hard time connecting with others as it is only recently i have become aware of my own issues in deficiencies by learned examples of when I was growing up that have played a part in me not being able to obtain a true emotional and fulfilling connections in my relationships. I am not sure if you are seeing a T or not but I definaitly would bring the thoughts you expressed up to him/her if I was.........

Kudos for you! For being in touch with your self

 

[AzureMind]

I am embarrassed to ask this question. What do you mean by sex? I have heard kids (M&F) at 14 yrs of age saying BJ is not sex? ....... it is more important IMHO to look at the quality of the relationships you are having.

njray,
I mean sex as in full-blown intercourse.....the "quickie" if you will....when you put it in the sense that you displayed it in, since those acts were devoid of any emotion whatsoever, it WASN'T really sex to me (probably explains why it was so disappointing) I wish I COULD look at the quality of relationships I was having but I haven't had a single, solitary, one. I've never even been on a date...:x3: (smiles) I do know what I'm looking for in terms of a healthy relationship/partnership, (emotional AND physical intimacy AND fidelity) and I wouldn't select ANYBODY like my parents....I'm very clear-eyed when it comes to selecting my mates, and I'm waste no time investigating the background of the person I plan on getting involved with, (and there's a LOOONG courtship that follows lol) I'm very passionate, and emotional, but disciplined and I can be intimidating, but I'm VERY romantic, and because of all the pain I remembered from when I was younger, I learned to love HARD again, and to hold nothing back, because I had to open the door to my heart, in order to recieve the love of another....(I was more emotionally detached when I was younger though if you ask me :) )

I'm constantly angered by the fact that most people around me in relationships don't know HOW to value and be grateful for their partners, and really don't take any responsibility (or concern) for making their relationships work, and be enjoyable....I know that I'm deserving of it, (more than most) but people think of people like me as "damaged goods" and only think that "I don't want THAT kind of commitment"....I'm a MASTER at reading non-verbal comm; my life/emotional well being DEPENDED on it, so I can't be fooled lol But that sad thing is I'm less clingy, and needy than most....I've learned BECAUSE of my past to maintain emotional equilibrium within myself, and not to allow another to sway my heart that way.....I know better than to be taken advantage of by ANYONE, and I will definitely cut it short, if I sense any "foul play" all that I give comes from inside of me, and is given because it's RIGHT, and I would regret the opportunity to not have given my all....I'm an "All-or-Nothing" kind of guy, but I'm stable....except in the bedroom....but in my defense, MOST people are wild in the sack, and it's flattering to know that a human being wants to share the COMPLETE BEING with you....it's the higher to me on the flattery pole than imitation lol

Honestly, I don't remember the last time I saw my parents kissed each other, or held each others hands....they just "dont" and that's life with them I guess....not the one I want that's for sure. I'm seeking a T, and I hope I find a good one...Idk, the struggle continues, I guess?

 

[AzureMind]

Yes, it all sounds great to have someone like that.....it's been one of the things keeping me going forward in my life since I was little lol:rolleyes:....I always had to be "silent" or "out of the way" or there was usually just NO ONE there to interact with in the memories I do have....my emotions were always ignored, or rejected.....I was told to "suck it up" when the fact was I saw MUCH further into situations than most people do; even as a child I saw into people and situations deeper than most adults could because I saw them with my WHOLE soul, not just my mind, but my soul....things had a deeper impact because I seen more sides of the situation than most.....I was taught that the world responds to power, and that sensitivity/emotions aren't desirable, so for as long as I can remember I emotionally disconnected,and sought out a means to dominate in whatever field I was in....it became enmeshed in my personality to be "hunger" for power, and it bothered me....bothered me that I couldn't just be "Myself".....I had to always be something that only pushed away the very thing I wanted the most....love....I got to the point where i lost the ability to communicate anything about myself....I suspect "foulplay" from others and I'm not AT ALL a very trusting person.....got a lotta things I gotta work through.....but I'm up to it, and it's time to get what I want....not what other think I'm SUPPOSED to have.

 

[njray]

Azuremind,

I am quite confused by your response, I shall pc you for some clarity

 

[anthony]

If you posted exactly what you wrote on an Internet Dating site... you would have a lineup out your door wanting to get to know you.

You actually need to date, not commit into a relationship... to become more comfortable with the entire process itself. You don't want to latch onto a female who subconsciously is there to fix you... like a challenge, to only separate after a year or two and cause more hurt. You also don't want to get someone just as broken, as you will depress one another.

I would opt going for the experience... as said, post your first post on a dating site, being the real you, and watch the line that generates... a male who actually puts themselves out their honestly, feels things, has emotions. You may be surprised.

 

[mamachick]

Azure-I totally agree with Anthony-both about your qualities and about going for the experience. Also about getting the experience and not committing.

You also said that you do everything alone, (work out, study, etc.) I totally understand that-Ive gotten a bit like that and have tended to isolate but I was very social until a couple of years ago and am on my way back.
What you seem to be describing though is some social discomfort/anxiety in relationships in general, in sharing emotions. I will say I think we women might be a little advantaged because we do more of this even if we were not raised that way.

Can you also practice some (opening up/sharing) of this where yo work out or study or in other things you do? In little steps? Maybe you could think of some things that you would be willing to share that are not too uncomfortable that you would be willing to disclose about yourself to others and when the opportunity arises-you will be a bit better prepared.

You said that you have made a few passive/mutual friends but nothing substantial-does that mean that mean that they are not someone that you would trust to share with? more acquaintances than friends? I just was not sure what you meant.

 

[AzureMind]

I agree with all that's been said....I suppose I'm REALLY looking for the affection/attention I needed but never recieved from my parents....I'm rather stable emotionally inspite of that and very emotionally disciplined, when it comes to other people, and I'm a great sounding board...If not for my intutive/empathic abilities I don't really think I could be so wise, I'd litterally be just like a child, and I feel that way most of the time, but I know how to cover it up. I'm fairly mature for my age (are we all on here?! :) )

I have a natural "acceptance" about beginnings and endings of relationships, so I don't expect anything often times from others EXCEPT to be faithful, honest, committed, and emotionally genuine. I've learned from my parents NEVER to allow someone to completely run the emotional sphere of my life, and in that sense I can be very "aloof" acting

Being the "Real Me" is also very difficult as well....there's a sort of "nakedness" and "identity loss" I have right now that makes me feel unable to protect myself, so I dissociate....I dissociate walking down the street, I do it, at home, I do it WHEREVER there's people around me.....I do it because I can't predict their motives, and I'm afraid I'll be attacked....I feel so empty personality-wise I have to compensate by using pure intellect, and reason...(which only further displays to others my "robotic" qualities lol) which to some people is very counter productive in the dating world.

Besides, people usually don't want someone so "broken" they don't want the "burden" but I can't help what I went through, and what's become of me....this may be with me for the remained of my life; Sharing only single-sided joy with someone without the pain is an empty, and false life that I ADMANTLY refuse. But I am nonetheless open to the dating scene....

 

[AzureMind]

Brat, as far as friends go I don't trust ANYONE, not even FAMILY. When I say "passive" that means friends made through other people and family, but I've learned never, EVER to trust ANYONE full-heartedly, for fear of being hurt, and taken advantage of....it's a certified recipe for disaster, and it's what has taught me to have a sort of "touch and go" philosophy regarding others in general. I don't have a person (besides the inner circle) that I trust whole heartedly which is why they (the inner circle) were made in the first place....I was alone, emotionally, mentally, physically not recieving any affection or personality reinforcement for most of my life that I can actually recall, (because I've felt that way for so long I have no memories to confirm this) which is what gave rise to the inevitable "collapse" of my consciousness until I learned one day to "check out" and leave "those people" (external entities/people) behind, and ever since then I've had people inside me that gave me love nurturing, and protection....the only "proper" emotion I could express was "NOTHING" because any time I got angry, my anger was reproached by both my father, and mother; They would say, "Don't Get MAD! I won't speak to you yelling or being angry!"....so I took all my emotions, locked em in a box, and threw them away....(dissociated them) They've become "alien" to me, as If I couldn't imagine feeling so angry, or happy, etc....

you can obviously see that I'm not in the proper headspace for a relationship I don't particularly have good luck meeting people who work with my personality type....Im an INFJ if that helps? lol

we're in fewer than 1% of the total human populace or so I've heard.....

 

[mamachick]

Im a little confused. Do you expect someone to be faithful, honest, committed, and emotionnally genuine while you remain aloof?
Emotional intimacy is like standing naked in front of another and disclosing all of your secrets, every mole and wart that you pocess, and hoping that person does not violate your trust-there is no guarantee and never will be.

If you want to be close with others or have relationships outside of those within your inner world, you must be willing to make the changes necessary-and it will be hard, but the benefits are for you.

I understand your parents taught you to not trust anyone and that belief is solid in place I also know that if we are serious about making a change, we often need to address our beliefs and be willing to change them. It does not come over night but if we say "i cant" then we won't and are live with status quo. If your parents taught you to speak only Japanese and you live in an English speaking society-would you learn English? that is up to you.

If you keep doing what you do, you will keep getting what you got. Its unreasonable to think that you can keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.