The Dating Dilemma

[AzureMind]

I would give it a sincere effort, I definitely wouldn't leave them out in the cold; I'm sorry I didn't spell it out, I thought it was implied, I goofed :D

My life, and it's circumstances have made me a rather "complicated" person....I can extend the olive branch, but if there's no one to take it, then is that MY problem? I should think not :) Most young adults my age aren't interested in a relationship, wanting NOTHING to do with it....it's VERY strange to me that people are like that...perhaps the "emotional drought" that I experienced was an "emotional flood" in their life....I hunger for it, and they've had their fill I suppose?

I know what's needed in a relationship to make it work (as a matter of fact, I pride myself on knowing what it takes to make one work intuitively ;) ) but NO ONE I've met has the capacity to meet me on these levels; believe it or not, the absence of the positive emotions you long for CAN teach you (if you're sharp enough to discern the wisdom in the chaos) about what you need personally and what you can give to another....my parents were aloof to me, but that has made me want to give my ENTIRE heart to someone to foster a sense of intimacy between the two of us....I couldn't possibly express how much I want to GIVE to another person; in fact, it's been my experience that I've been taken advantage of by people, and flat out "turned down" because they weren't used to the capacity I can love/give affection....they couldn't reciprocate in short....

I'll admit, upon first looks, I'm not a jocular, silly guy, but I listen to you, ( in fact I can be quite intrigued by a person if they hold a unique perspective of the world; I'm also not against burning the midnight oil making SURE you've gotten out EVERYTHING you want to say/feel about something....my mates emotional well-being is more valuable to me than even my own at times....:)) I'm VERY romantic, and faithful (always planning evenings in, or out with with movies and just walks to try and talk etc) I'm loving, and determined to make the relationship work....I'm hardworking, and ambitious, (I want to provide, and make a life, a family for us) all of these traits make a man capable of being a EXCELLENT father (I want to be a father; I cannot WAIT for the day i can have someone to share children with; it means the WORLD to me :D )

I'm really looking for someone I can share myself with in entirety, but people often are frightened of the dark, and of intimacy on that level....There hasn't been ONE person I've met that didn't turn tail when I opened the door to my heart, that's one thing I'm NOT afraid of doing.....but I WON'T put my heart on the line for a person like that....there's ALOT of darkness within me, and if you're afraid of that, then why should I waste my time on someone who couldn't understand that?

 

[mamachick]

Sorry I misunderstood.I have daughters 21 and 23 and they are both in very committed relationships. The 21 yr old is more like you in wanting that committed relationship so she got married at 19 and baby at 20. I have disagreed with her decision but she is happy. She goes to college part time and it will just take her longer.
My 23 yr old is in law school and is dating the same young man since her senior yr of hs (5-6yr). They are honest and committed-dont know if marraige is in the cards. They are more friends that came about through being part of a group
I think in each case, the relationship progressed slow to moderately

Azure-your time will come, it just takes meeting the right person

 

[AzureMind]

Congrats for them!! :)

I know as a mom you're probably with your doubts about that (they're both pretty young) and my parents feels the same way....but they've gone so far as to "ridicule" me for wanting that....they expect me to "sew my WILD oats" and to want to have nothing but indiscriminate sex....I swear brat, they adopted/switched me a birth....My identity has ALWAYS been at odds with my families for as long as I can remember....WHY would you want you child to do THAT? Where are the parents that encourage their kids to "find the right person" to "wait on it" or "try going steady?" our society has gone to the dogs ya know? I don't know how most parents do it now-a-days....it's gotta be rough I suppose it must be rough on some parents as well being bombarded by media (which is virtually raising America's youth now ANYWAY) and TV images that suggest being your child's "Friend" exclusively.....(even though I think as a parent YOU should be the one laying the rules down in your home, and that "Peer Pressure Parenting" shouldn't even be an issue) now, I'm all for honest talk with my parents if it's on the table, but not if it means loosing their love, (if it was there ANYWAY lol) and them becoming my friends....I'm not that kind of guy, I think there should be a degree of openness with your parents, but not to the point that you dad is encouraging you to go "slam" a Broad for a few notches on your bed post....it's sad....my brother is much more like that...but I'm not AT ALL like that.....Idk, I think this all just asserts the fact that I was adopted at birth.....:rolleyes:

 

[intothelight]

AzureMind,

I agree with you 100% as to the role of a parent. Sounds like your head is on strait in regard to relationships, and you definitely have the right outlook for parenting. (Of course after you have met the right person, dated, fallen in love, and gotten married. :D)

Debbie

 

[Tinyflame]

AzureMind, perhaps do things you enjoy and that are true to you, and the rest may unfold easier than you expect.

Trust also has to be earned, but it will eventually be a choice on your part, regardless of the past or anyone else. I think none of us would have a lack of trust if we didn't have circumstances that we felt warranted that in the first place, but it can still improve.

In the meantime focus on enjoying your life- you will be exactly the right person for the right person that comes along for you. I have confidence in you. :)

 

[Ruth]

you can obviously see that I'm not in the proper headspace for a relationship I don't particularly have good luck meeting people who work with my personality type....Im an INFJ if that helps? lol
we're in fewer than 1% of the total human populace or so I've heard.....

Dear AzureMind, I can relate. For years I compared my insides to other people's outsides. I figured because of whatever reason that I would be forever misunderstood. My only advice would be to stop looking for the differences and start focusing on the similarities. Being chronically unique puts a wall up before people (young single ladies) ever get a chance to see you for you. The personality stuff is interesting but even so there are 6,924,045,156 people in the world so you still have roughly 34,620,225.78 INFJ females to choice from.

I'm an INTP (>1% for females, 4-6% for males) I thought for sure if I ever found another INTP he would certainly be my soul mate. I've dated three INTP's. Obviously, there's a little more to love then the Myer-Briggs lets on. Good Luck!

 

[OKRADLAK]

*(((((((((((AZURE))))))))))))))

I know how it feels. I am also in that same place. When you said it's all made you so complicated!! People want fun and humor and it makes me feel like an alien!!

I still hope you are able to just be you and find a loving person. One that is whole and stable and supportive!!!

It is impossible for me to date or have relationships. When I try, it's all fail.........

 

[mamachick]

As a parent with experience (my own), you do not have to marry the first guy that you have a real relationship with, but feel free to also. We are all different. Both of my daughters are with their high school seethearts. The older in law school which is her priority at the time, the youngest married him at 19, she is much more of a romantic and much more sensative and affectionate. From my won experience, sometimes what we seem we need most desperately is a band aid on an issue. I am in no way saying that is your circumstance, just that your parents may sense your need and be trying to divert your attention out of real concern-not that they are right.

I still agree with Anthony in gaining that dating experience but more so I would be a fan in seeing you feeling comfortable expressing feelings with others-it is worth the investment with the right people. Now days that trust is sometimes hard to find. Last week I had dinner with 3 college friends I had not seen in 10 years. One located us on facebook and brought us together. It was great-we were all chatting about all the positive. There was a turning point that my marital status was obvious and I was married 10 years ago. Rather than sugar coat, I was very honest. Soon one friend shared his recent medical diagnosis, another a major job loss and difficulties, and the last-no current crisis but very supportive. There was so much laughter and some teary eyes. There was the intimacy that comes with deep friendship-caring about each other, and sharing our hurts and fears-being very real. Not wise to do randomly at all. Sometimes I have forgot about the lives that have touched me and those I have touched while treating ptsd. But they do exist, and I believe were brought back right now for a reason. I am grateful and wish this for all.

You said that you innately know about relationships. Sometimes we have that freedom to express when we are either very comfortable, and or, these friendships are not a threat to our significant other. I have not found the right partner but while I am waiting.......I have something to offer in friendship and I bet you do too...

 

[AzureMind]

I suppose it's me being needy. I expect that this is as brat said a result of family trying to divert my attention off of the real issues. I've forgotten my past (which all though can seem like a blessing in an abusive situation) I've forgotten/lost who I AM as well. To forget who you are is painful; everyday of my life I spend it trying to regain my personality back; a memory, a thought, a feeling, ANYTHING that will alude to who I am. My parents keep telling me who I am, but I can't FEEL that aspect of my personality.....it's as if they're lying to me, or telling me what they think I WANT to hear....at any rate it does little for cohesion of my identity; without an identity, how do you go on living life outside of your head? How do you act from the experiences you've built up throughout the years you can't RECALL?
My childhood feels like a big black fog....I remember certain things, but nothing about how I FELT, or BEHAVED....and as such, I feel disconnected from myself....it doesn't help that my brother (who is seemingly well-adjusted) is a chronic flirt/social butterfly and I'm not....he's doing all the socially "correct" things in my parents eyes, and I haven't EVER had a girlfriend in my life....they don't "acknowledge" my sexuality....it's weird...they never talk to me about it, (although I never talk about it) though I do think they should at least volunteer interest....I suppose it's because they think I've "got it all together" and I tell them I don't....god...what good are they if they can't help?

 

[mamachick]

Wow-sounds like you answered your own question-Identitiy. I am sorry for your pain.
I remember an earlier time in my life when someone asked me what I liked or liked to do etc. I really didn't know. I always did what I had to, what I was told I had to do, what was implied, or what was asked. Guess it was all about pleasing others and being "responsible". Not knowing what I liked made me very uncomfortable. So I began discovering. Getting to know ourselves can be interesting and fun. I had to learn to not be afraid to explore and dream. I learned to won my won stuff. Now I could use adjectives to describe myself and they would be pretty congruent with what others would say. It takes some work and I am betting you will discover your personality.

Im sorry that you don't remember childhood and have blanks. I remember a lot but also am puzzled when my therapist asks me certain questions, such as what I did after a crisis (I have not idea). Did someone comfort me? talk to me? Just don't know. However, Im sure that who I am has come only in part from those blanks, could be why I have difficulty asking for help. Yet that is only one aspect of my personality and can be changed even if Im uncertain of how it originated.

 

[AzureMind]

I'm just pissed....that's how I identify myself; a big huge pissed off wreck. It's like no matter what I do, nothing's ever good enough, and I can never find myself in any of the things I do; it's like "sure! I like Swimming, and Martial Arts, and a game of Pitch-Up in the park, and painting/drawing but these are just things...."

Brat, I think I'm looking for "Life Experiences" ya know? Like, most people have a fairly good recollection of life events they've been through, and because they have a good recollection of their experiences, they learn from their mistakes, and they grow in every sense of the word; If you cannot remember WHERE you came from, HOW can you know where you're going?

Im sorry that you don't remember childhood and have blanks. I remember a lot but also am puzzled when my therapist asks me certain questions, such as what I did after a crisis (I have not idea). Did someone comfort me? talk to me? Just don't know. However, Im sure that who I am has come only in part from those blanks, could be why I have difficulty asking for help. Yet that is only one aspect of my personality and can be changed even if Im uncertain of how it originated.

You know, now that I think about it brat, I feel the same way about myself; I don't remember any crisis happening, just the "in between feelings" of when in between the experiences when I would have memory gaps....I remember my "past" through my emotions, and that for longer than I can remember, I had these INTENSE feelings of loneliness, in-completion, desperation, and depression and low self-esteem. I knew that I had to be strong, stronger than every other person....I made someone who could help me get away....far away from those feelings, and those times.....I think every time I rely on one of these "people" I "loose" a piece of myself....and some pieces, I'm GLAD to loose...there's a lot about my personality I don't care for, and part of me is glad that I can't remember because it's painful....painful living in a world that exists to destroy you, a world where people live just to pull the next one down AFTER they've gotten all that they want out of you...I just don't know how to be around people because I KNOW what exists in every heart of every man....that darkness lives in us all that urges us to want to destroy, to maim, to steal and break someone's "obviously false sense of security"....how is love possible? Is there some form of self-denial practiced in respect to reality that keep the relationship buoyant, and long-lived? IRDK.....:(

 

[mamachick]

Azure-life experience will come....it comes with living.....If you think you lack life experience, you are ahead of the game for your age.