Analogy: Having C-ptsd & Trying To Socialize Feels Like...

[intothelight]

I always have felt like a freak; kind of like I have a third boob growing out of my forehead. For a long time, I grew bangs to hide it and would just remain quiet in social gatherings. Even with my close friends, I tried to disguise the boob as a nose but I knew they could see through this and would always second guess myself and wondered who know it was a boob and not a nose.

Now I am tired of pretending, so I am flashing everyone with my third boob. I am learning that if I don't fit in that is OK and it is their loss.

 

[traumablackout]

I identify with what you're saying Spero. I also mimic "normals" by asking a lot of questions, but then after the conversation (which usually ends in the most awkward silence possible), In my head I'll go over every single word that was exchanged between us and dissect each movement of their eyes and twitch of their face and I'll come to the conclusion that I messed up that conversation and then I feel bad because I feel like I made the other person uncomfortable because i was uncomfortable. Then I worry what they must think of me now.

If only we could skip the trivial small talk and get to the stuff that matters. Who cares who won American Idol? Talk to me about your dreams, your goals. Who cares you were standing in line at the bank for 15 minutes with no help? Tell me about what brought you to this point of your life and how can we stand together now that we are friends?

I feel like PTSD has desensitized me in way. Since I have been through so much, normal everyday conversation just seems so meaningless. I feel like we should all be discussing how we can make major changes for ourselves and each other, I feel like we should be discussing the things that hurt us most,the things that makes us happiest. Things that "matter" I guess you could say.

I've noticed that I often get along wonderfully with other people if the first time we meet we are completely alone with no outside distractions in a quiet place, but that has happened maybe twice in my whole life, so any other time my first impression that I leave on people is that of anxiety. If I try to have a meaningful conversation with someone I find I often overstep my boundaries, there is a lot that I say that people can't handle because they feel I'm coming on too strongly by discussing such "personal" things. I eventually just learned mimic the mindless small talk, but it still bothers me that I can't find those words that are "just right" in conversation.

 

[ana]

It felt horrible and still does sometimes. Used to be terrified of any social engagement, and if I had to go I felt like an alien, kept quiet and even wished for a fire or something to end the torture. I started to open up when I discovered internet and met a couple of people in real life. There are many reasons why people put on masks and I realized that some of them do it for the same reason as I do, out of fear of rejection and humiliation. If you've been told all your childhood how useless and unworthy you are it's so difficult to realize that you're not, that every one of us has something valuable to share with others. Shame and fear are still my companions, my hands still tremble and heart jumps, but less and less every time. For me it's a very slow process, but in this case I do believe that practice makes perfect, the more I do it the more free I feel.

 

[Sammy]

I seem to be the person everyone wants to talk to and tell their troubles to. It gets exhausting so I avoid large gatherings. Most of the time I just smile, commiserate and nod my head. All the while I am thinking, "Seriously? That is what has your panties in a knot??" If the person really tries my patience or pushes my buttons, I will flash them a bit of my reality. It doesn't usually go over well because most do not want to see the dragons in my head. (I have gotten much better at resisting the sarcastic remark and am trying to understand that my world is not theirs) My dragons scare most of them away. I have a bad habit of doing that to people that seem too inane, mindless or sheltered. I have a few friends who know better than get into a "misery" contest with me because I can tell stories that would give them nightmares! So, I do not do well in large social gathering. Too many people cause anxiety and I get terribly impatient with the stupidity of some of the conversations. I mostly just keep my mouth shut to resist throwing a bucket of water on the fun others are having. It takes someone of rare courage to look past my dragons and those people are my best friends. I do try to look past other people's "dragons" but am not always very good at it, especially when mine are not managed.

 

[Spero3]

Flashing the third boob. LOL! I love it! You go.

Spero

 

[Spero3]

I agree with you completely, Traumablackout.

Spero

 

[Spero3]

Amen, Sammy.

Spero

 

[Stacie]

I sometimes feel like I am an actress, if you want to put it politely- when I am out with others or at social gatherings, school, work, what have you...that I am actually a damaged, defective freak who is very talented at pretending to be a normal, likeable human being. Sometimes I even convince myself for a short time, but the feeling that I am only acting, and fooling everyone always seems to come back and haunt me eventually.

 

[OKRADLAK]

So hard! I also fake it, as in "fake it till you make it" but I never seem t o really get to where I believe it or anyone else.

 

[Stacie]

Yes, my psychiatrist whom I have seen for almost 20 years claims that the way you become a certain type of person is to just live as that person and eventually you will feel comfortable in your new skin, however I don't so much disagree as wish with all my heart that that were true.

 

[Smorck5]

I can so relate to this topic, the moment I walk into any social gathering I immediately feel judged and attacked its all I can do to not turn and run. I don't want my kids to have a fear of these situations so I stay and feel like an imposter among all the normal people!

 

[Srain]

Wow, I just stumbled onto this and I feel like I've been uncovered...does that make sense??? It's a little frightening and comforting at the same time. I've been isolated most of my life I never realized so many people felt like me or close to it. I've one or two people here and there and those are friends I've kept a lifetime or tried. One died 10 years ago and i am barely past the pain. Just last year I unpacked his personal belongings he had sent to me via his attorneys and as I had posted he left me a small amount of money that came due in his life insurance out of the clear blue that helped pay for my new tires. This has given me the wheels to go anywhere I want!!! I love my friends so much, they are so much in heart, so much like me, and yet here I am reading that others have lived so much like me that I'm a bit taken aback.

I hurt for you :cry: because it's an awful way to live, I know! At the same time I've always felt blessed to find those awesome few floating in the ocean of oddness, cresting on a wave that I recognize and who recognize me...we wave at each other and become friends. Our slight differences never mattered, in fact only made things interesting. The world around us was odd and didn't understand the pain and suffering. My friend who died found his mother just after she committed suicide, he was autistic and suffered severe Migraines like I do. He always had trouble staying sober, I never turned my back on him because of it, he was my friend. when I came to town we both we were horrible in social settings and because we looked like we weren't people approached us ...ack!!! Exit stage left!!!

My hunny is socially willing but says very little, I am anxiety stunted. What a pair.

Thank you so much for posting this!!

(I haven't slept much so excuse me for being all over the place)