Hello. I hope I am in the right place. I'm a lifelong "survivor" of complex trauma from childhood abuse at the hands of family members. It's unusual, and hard for others to relate to, I think, because the abuse wasn't sexual in nature, but rather deeply emotional and, sometimes, physical. Very often, I feel that sets me apart from most other survivors.
I learned to cope at an early age by shutting down my emotions and dissociating. The trauma carried into every aspect of my young life, but I "functioned" well enough until I hit my 40s and family situations (a death in the family) occurred which brought many of the old dynamics back into play and I basically broke down. For reasons I won't go into, I wasn't able to be hospitalized at that time but had to work through a lot of the triggering stuff on my own. I used a lot of self-help books and worked through a lot of stuff, got more in touch with my inner self, learned to stay more grounded and so on. But I feel like the work is only halfway done, and I find myself reaching for other ways to "cope." I did do a course of EMDR a little later, and I think it helped a bit, but by no means do I feel like I'm the picture of mental health.
I hold down a job, am fairly successful, but I struggle with alcohol and at times find it very difficult to drag myself through the workaday life. I probably call in sick on average once a month, sometimes due to too much drink, sometimes just because I can't face getting out of bed. At other times, things are good and I work to appreciate what I've managed to overcome. I just don't know if I'll ever be completely functional, and realize that in large part I still cope by denying there's a problem. I mentioned that I had PTSD to someone a few days ago (which I rarely do) and immediately I felt myself shutting down. It's several days later and here I am, hungover, tired, and realizing that I triggered myself by just talking about it. On the outside, I'm fine. On the inside, I'm a mess. I guess I'm just here looking for a little understanding.
Thanks for listening and I hope I do the same for some of you.
I learned to cope at an early age by shutting down my emotions and dissociating. The trauma carried into every aspect of my young life, but I "functioned" well enough until I hit my 40s and family situations (a death in the family) occurred which brought many of the old dynamics back into play and I basically broke down. For reasons I won't go into, I wasn't able to be hospitalized at that time but had to work through a lot of the triggering stuff on my own. I used a lot of self-help books and worked through a lot of stuff, got more in touch with my inner self, learned to stay more grounded and so on. But I feel like the work is only halfway done, and I find myself reaching for other ways to "cope." I did do a course of EMDR a little later, and I think it helped a bit, but by no means do I feel like I'm the picture of mental health.
I hold down a job, am fairly successful, but I struggle with alcohol and at times find it very difficult to drag myself through the workaday life. I probably call in sick on average once a month, sometimes due to too much drink, sometimes just because I can't face getting out of bed. At other times, things are good and I work to appreciate what I've managed to overcome. I just don't know if I'll ever be completely functional, and realize that in large part I still cope by denying there's a problem. I mentioned that I had PTSD to someone a few days ago (which I rarely do) and immediately I felt myself shutting down. It's several days later and here I am, hungover, tired, and realizing that I triggered myself by just talking about it. On the outside, I'm fine. On the inside, I'm a mess. I guess I'm just here looking for a little understanding.
Thanks for listening and I hope I do the same for some of you.
