I Need Advice And A Listening Ear... Ptsd, College And Employment

[devon in real life]

Background: Emotional, physical and sexual abuse as child. I was removed from school at an early age and left with the tv! I fall in to a minority group that guarantees me second class status, and when my family kicked me out at 17, i was homeless. At that time i, with no sense of boundaries or options, started working as a prostitute.. i stayed there for 7 years.

Now: I have been out of the sex industry for going on 2 years. Im in therapy every week, both with a primary therapist and over the last 3 months an EMDR specialist. I have been in college for the last 18 months, im studying sociology, with plans on working in a social service agency with youth, and working part time as an adjunct professor at a community college. I am on track to get my masters degree.

The last few years have been extremely hard. but... Ive made it through, and have surpassed what i even believed was possible.

I took this summer off, to relax, and help my bf remodel what will be our house, and things have been ok. EMDR has been rough on me, but im getting through. I have only taken presscribed Xanax once in the last 4 months.

In the field of social services, and from an academic perspective, getting a job with the Women's Resource Center on campus is a big deal. I applied, had letters of rec from professors, and was one of 6 people chosen out of 100 applicants. I was thrilled. This job starts in September, as the fall term kicks off. I was informed of the requirements and trainings, and of course agreed. Getting this job really proved to me that i was on track for greatness in my life, and that i was overcoming truly impossible odds.

I was hired in May. As the time has stretched on, a trip we are required to go on has started to come up for me. There is a scheduled 3 day retreat to a secluded area by bus, for a rafting trip, out of cell phone range. Then we go in to a small town for the rest of the trip. This has started agonizing on my mind. Being without my car, with 40 people i dont know, someplace i have never been, outside of cell range... I have been having panic about it all the time.

We focused all EMDR sessions over the last 2 months on this trip. $800, and i feel no closer now than before. I went to my boss, and told her everything, and that i didnt think i could go. she said she wasnt sure what they could do, but she would try, since this trip is required. She came back and said her sup said "no way" and that i had to go if i wanted to keep the job.

PANIC!

I contacted the HR office at my school, and got the ball rolling on getting paperwork filled out for legal accomodations the ADA. Thats in the works now. She said i would be covered and excused most likely.

I have neverbdone anything like this before. While i talk about my shit with people, and have shared ajout being in Survivors of Incest Anonymous and everything else... I have never just taken action like this.

I did it because i wanted them to understand where i was coming from, and i didnt want to loose this .amazing job as an advocate. My therapist says it shows my ability to advocate for myself and is positive... But it feels baf. I feel like a total failure. Leading up to this trip i had really made it a goal to get through it... And it just hasnt happened fast enough. I feel like i look crazy and completely incompetant. Like, how would someone who cant even function enough to go on a weekend trip, be good for working with women in this way?

Im so sad about it. Im thinking about just quitting the job. Im feeling so angry, because i feel like i will possibly lose the job regardless, and that im going through crazy anxiety and stress, and it's not my fault. I didn't ask for this.

Im juat beside myself... I really thought the EMDR would be enough to let me do this... And it just wasnt. Facing the reality that despite 2 years of psychotherapy, DBT, EMDR, SIA, and talking, talking, talking... Here i stand at 25 years old... And i cant take a fun group trip with coworkers and the student body leadership groups.

*SORRY FOR THE TYPOS-POSTING FROM MY PHONE

Thanks for listening..
Devon

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

................. I am on track to get my masters degree.

The last few years have been extremely hard. but... Ive made it through, and have surpassed what i even believed was possible.

....... job starts in September, as the fall term kicks off. I was informed of the requirements and trainings, and of course agreed. Getting this job really proved to me that i was on track for greatness in my life, and that i was overcoming truly impossible odds.

I was hired in May. As the time has stretched on, a trip we are required to go on has started to come up for me. There is a scheduled 3 day retreat to a secluded area by bus, for a rafting trip, out of cell phone range. Then we go in to a small town for the rest of the trip. This has started agonizing on my mind. Being without my car, with 40 people i dont know, someplace i have never been, outside of cell range... I have been having panic about it all the time.

Hey Devon

You haven't failed! You've come so far in turning your life around!!

No wonder you felt panic, you're obviously not ready for such a trip (a lot to ask of anyone with a brain IMO). You did the right thing saying no and getting support from HR, fingers crossed they can resolve things for you. Alternatively you could end up needing to take sick leave which isn't what anyone wants but you need to protect yourself.

Your reaching out took courage and shows you as a responsible person. And who knows you may be strong enough and ready to help plan for next year's trip. After all, goals aren't set in concrete are they? :)

((Devon))

LH

 

[Icon Nikon]

I agree with LH, you have succeeded in so many ways and without much help early on. Don't doubt your ability to do this job simply because this trip just wasn't right for you at this time. And shame on the resource center for not understanding and "practicing what they preach to others". They should have been standing with you, but good for you to take the steps to advocate for yourself, all while being in a rather constant state of panic...see how far you really HAVE come.

I too will be hoping that HR can settle this so you can remain on your chosen path. I find it quite positive that you referred to this as a "fun group trip" while in such distress. It just shows how hard you work in trying to tackle the idea of going on this "pressure cooker" trip. That is not a failure, my friend.

Keep us informed and let us know if we can help! Don't quit!

Let this forum help to hold you up.
Alex

 

[miki1981]

Don't quit! that took guts and it's hard to talk about those types of things with anyone. In those types of jobs you should be able to gain support for anything! If they can't back you later then forget about it but it wouldn't be because you were not strong enough, it would be because they were not strong enough and you can respect that too. When I was in my clinical counseling program people shared all kinds of things and in social services and such you should get the same support from your peers and boss that you give to your clients. Call it a circle of strength, don't break that. If they chose to its on them. Another thing as long as you don't burden your clients with such things unnecessarily (assure your HR that it would only be disclosed to client upon their or a supervisors approval) your boss shouldn't have a problem with anything said to them.... I'll add that I didn't see you wanted not to go. I thought you were trying to gain support from her to go. I'm sorry. I think it would be good for you to go. sounds like the kind of trip you can purge some of that anxiety and prove to yourself such things are safe. If not, you may not be ready. You have to expose yourself in social service and your life has to be about others. You have to be strong enough to support them emotionaly. Ask your employer if they can implement a busy system so you could focus on one person instead of so many or even ask to drive yourself. There are many ways around anything but if going is part of the job IDK how to get around that. In social services you must be social. I couldn't deal with the constant video taping of my every move in my counseling program and I found something much better suited to me.