Spouse Of Ptsd

[Lady Rig]

My husband was recently diagnosed with PTSD. He isn't a veteran but experienced severe trauma as pre-teen (he saw his mother get run over). His PTSD symptoms of acting out are through sexually acting out, i.e. pornography, and more recently, through pysically cheating on me. I'm trying to be supportive and help him work through his treatments and whatnot, but I'm still having a hard time forgiving his infidelity. Even though I know it wasn't HIM doing it, it was the manifestation of his PTSD, which his therapist confirmed.

Can anyone share a similar story of how they were (or weren't able) to work through the negative expression of PTSD symptoms? Does it ever really get any better, or is it just a never-ending cycle? I really want to get through this and help him, but I'm afraid he's going to cheat again. I've been told that he could have a relapse. Does it make me a bad wife if I won't stay after yet ANOTHER episode of infidelity?

 

[ISupportHer]

Getting ready for work but wanted to respond quickly.

There have been some relationships that go on. I think that you will not see a lot here because if things are OK, then you would not feel the need to be here anymore. I have been here a couple of years. Seen some move on for that reason but seen others that left when the relationship ended.

PTSD, as you probably know, is the gift that keeps on giving. It really depends on how the person is able to work through it, but that trauma happened, so it will always be there. In my situation, I would not say things are perfect but they are better than when I came here. I have to take ownership in some of it. But thinks CAN get better. Much of it is out of the control of the supporter.

As for infidelity, a topic that has come up here before (you could do a search), PTSD should not be used as an excuse. My opinion. I strongly feel you have the right to expect your spouse to not stray from the marriage. PTSD or no PTSD. I just wanted you to know that I feel strongly that it does not make you a bad person or a bad wife if decide not to stay in a marriage that is not one that he will commit to. You should not give up that just because of the excuse of PTSD. If you suppress your own needs, that will become a wound inside that will fester and you will suffer consequences down the road. Be true to yourself.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. Keep posting and talking. There are those here with similar experience, and those that will support even if they are not in the exact same situation.

ISH

 

[MouseWedger]

Hi Lady,
As a survivor with PTSD, I wanted to share my point of view with you. Symptoms (at least in my experience) do get better with therapy. When I am at my worst, I black out and throw punches, and physically run away from things that scare me only to "wake up" not knowing where I am or how I got there. After four years of therapy this rarely (knock on wood) happens to me anymore and I have yet to black out and punch my husband =) I wont say this is for everyone, but for me at least, reliving the parts I feel safe enough to relive, when I feel safe enough, helps me to come to terms with my trauma. Talking about it helps a lot as well. I do agree with ISH about the infidelity though - you should be able to expect your spouse to stay faithful. Maybe I'm stepping out of line, but have you considered marriage counseling to help you both through that aspect of whats going on? I mean no disrepect, and hope it doesnt upset you. Hang in there Lady!
Hugs,
Mouse

 

[Lady Rig]

Thanks ISH and Mouse! We're just over a week into the process and to be completely honest, its terrifying to me. I want my husband. I want to stay with him. I'm just so afraid he's going to have a relapse. I'm not sure what his triggers are yet, so I'm having a hard time trying to help him avoid them. He works with 2 of the women he cheated on me with and it makes me really uncomfortable and anxious. His therapist likened his infidelity to an addict. Like an alcoholic. As for counseling, we're doing family therapy for him so I go to his sessions with him. I like this because it helps me be a part of the process and also keeps him from glossing over and downplaying his behaviors. I'm going to start personal counseling to help me deal with my fears and anxieties, and some guilt i feel. It's hard on my end because I feel so responsible for helping him through it. Mouse, if you don't mind me asking, what therapies did you find helpful? Again, thanks! -Lady

 

[Look4Advice123]

Someone clue to me is in a similar situation. It started as small things, then bigger things. She even started to swing with him hoping to help. But it did not help, it's a vicious circle. In realty, if you allow it, you are enabling him to continue with bad ways. Yes PTSD is a disease, but he can make choices, as hard as they may be. Although I'm new to all this... I would suggest you ask him to go to counseling. Some for him and you separately (for you to help your confidence and understand more) and some couples counseling to have a mediator help you both through this together.

 

[Lady Rig]

Thanks. As silly as it sounds I've always said "I don't share my toys with others" it's a joke of course. He's going to counseling, which I go to with him, and I'm getting ready to start my own counseling to deal with all this.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Lady Rig,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. I have PTSD and I know the disorder will cause people to use different things as a means of escape. In my case, I choose to work excessively, which may less troublesome as it is socially acceptable; but it has a negative impact on me and my family. Therefore, it is my responsibility to change my behavior so as not to continue to hurt myself and my family relationships.

With that said, only your husband can change his behavior, but you have a right to expect that change. It is great that you are getting counseling, as this is a tough disorder to deal with. Take care of yourself first.

Wishing you the best.
Debbie

 

[MouseWedger]

Lady,
For me personally, just talking about my trauma helped a lot. Of course I had to get past a lot of shame, guilt, and even more fear before I could talk about it. I beat around the bush for more than a few months before my therapist sat me down and told me I had to just spit it out. Keep in mind, a lot of this will be on him. You can only be there to support him as hard and awful as that sounds. You can't help him to face the reality and gravity of the situation - try not to feel responsible for this or it could push you into a depression like it started to do to my husband before he came to terms with this. It was hard for him to let go of the idea that he could be responsible for "fixing" things for me. All I need is for him to be there, to know that I can wake him up in the middle of the night if I need him. Let your husband know that you are there for him while he goes through this, that you support him. That if he wakes up in the middle of the night needing to scream, to yell, to cry, he can call on you to be there with him. Just knowing that helps immensely, even if he says he doesn't want it or need it, it might be a comfort to him knowing that option is there.
Hugs
Mouse

 

[Nicolette]

I'm trying to be supportive and help him work through his treatments and whatnot, but I'm still having a hard time forgiving his infidelity. Even though I know it wasn't HIM doing it, it was the manifestation of his PTSD, which his therapist confirmed.

Don't blame you Lady Rig for having a hard time forgiving infidelity. It sounds like uncontrolled PTSD but by my moral code and IMHO just because it is a manifestation of his PTSD it is still him in control of what he chooses to do so - no excuse in my book.

Does it ever really get any better

It has for me but that is because my husband wants to be better and I try and support him while setting very firm boundaries which over time have required less enforcement. I have also made a big effort to acknowledge and praise good, healthy behaviour.

Does it make me a bad wife if I won't stay after yet ANOTHER episode of infidelity?

Not in my opinion if it invalidates you basic moral code and brings distrust into your marriage. Been there, done that, accepted the excuses - NEVER again will I make such a compromise.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I agree. PTSD will not MAKE you cheat. Many here have never and would never. Yes, some people may use it as an excuse and some may think they have no control. But in my experience, people with PTSD have A LOT Of control when they can . And when we lose it, well, it's not like we would go have an affair unless we are manic on top of it.

I can't speak for him. Maybe he has other problems? It's very sad and I am sure he is sad, too. When the fall out hits, not one is happy not even the one who cheats.

Hopefully you can work work through it. It can be worked through!! But if you cannot, no one would think you were a bad wife . You did nothing wrong and it's very hard to endure those things!

 

[Lady Rig]

Thanks all. This is all very helpful. Mouse, I find your insight from the perspective of a PTSD sufferer kinda gives me a window into what he might be going through. I'm struggling with feeling hopeless that this won't ever get any better but it's good to hear it can. Nicolette, I'm really glad to hear that setting boundaries has helped in your situation. My husband isn't, "allowed" (for lack of a better term) to be on the computer when I'm not around. (His rule) I've set internet filters on the computer so he can't access the pornography. Okradlak, the infidelity isn't being blamed on the PTSD necessarily. The behavior triggers are I guess. When my husband gets stressed or anxious he turned to the porn, and ultimately the woman he cheated with, which to him was like pornography. He got the same feelings from her that he did the porn. And don't think I'm excusing it at all, cause I'm not. It infuriates and disgusts me. I guess I look at it like an addiction. He was hitting the proverbial bottle to cope with life.

Nicolette, did you find your husband being open and honest with you about his triggers to help? Or I guess was that done in your situation? I'm trying to have my husband tell me when he's getting anxious or stressed or when he's having thoughts of getting into porn to cope so I can help him avoid that. I'm trying not to take too much responsibility with his illness, while trying to juggle helping him get better.

Mouse, did you also try that at all? Letting your partner know when you were being triggered?

This whole forum has been really wonderful, I have to say. Being able to connect with people going through similar things makes me feel less alone.

 

[Lady Rig]

I do have a right to expect that, don't I? I guess I never looked at it that way. It's interesting to see the different ways PTSD manifests itself. If you din't mind me asking, Debbie, what kind of treatments worked best for you and how well did they help?