Relationship Spouse isolating- what to expect

[bigskywife]

Relevant background:

Married 7 years, together 9. Husband is 100% p&t disabled according to the VA. Combat PTSD. Traumatic incident happened during our marriage. I remember before, he doesn’t. He had a suicide attempt back in august. Hospitalized, started intensive outpatient and finally got some decent therapy. BUT! It feels like we’ve entered a new a hellish phase of PTSD. He never isolated before. Excess drinking, anger, dissociation for days, you bet. But no isolating until now. (I read this as progress - please correct me if I’m wrong!)

The issue now:

We started couples counseling in October. Mostly about navigating extended family issues. (His parents are very controlling - he has also not disclosed his PTSD diagnosis to them.) Earlier this month, he broached the topic of a separation in counseling because he “needed space” - this was after increasing conflict because he wasn’t coming home. With the couples counselor we agreed to table that for a while until we had put some more work in. Before our next session, he asked for a divorce.

In our most recent session he said he only asked for a divorce because he didn’t see any other way to get the space. We agreed to a month separation. But he’s not following through on other things he committed to in therapy about contact. I’m trying to be as understanding as I can but this is obviously very painful.

To be clear - he’s sitting alone in a friends empty apartment. (Friend is overseas atm) He won’t talk to anyone other than some brief texts. Skipped Thanksgiving. Family is also cut off and “not emotionally safe”. So it seems to me as well as mutual friends with PTSD that he’s isolating. He texts me about once a day. Can’t tell me what he wants or needs, but expresses his appreciation for giving him the space.

What I guess I’m asking is - is it likely that he’ll come back? Or should I talk to a lawyer?

And how long should I expect him to be gone? Realistically.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I can’t answer you questions but my heart goes out to you. What a heartbreaking situation.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Only you can decide what you’re willing to tolerate, but it seems like he is staying in contact and expressing appreciation for the space.

Mine isolates too. I consider giving him space a loving act. He is in self preservation mode when he gets like that. He can’t handle anything but surviving and holding himself together. Dealing with other people, their emotions and expectations is not something he has the capacity for when he is symptomatic. He’s just trying to make it through the day.

It’s hard not to take that personally, but it’s all about their headspace and not the relationship.

 

[arfie]

aviso: i am the identified patient in my marriage. i have been both sufferer and supporter at the ptsd help desk but in my marriage? ? ? he loves me in spite of his perfections.

i believe the saving grace which allowed my hubs and i to celebrate our 44th anniversary is that both of us hate lawyers. i count the years we have lived apart as the most important years of our marriage. those are the years we learned how to live and let live. hubs even learned how to admit he has an imperfect spot or two. socially acceptable ones, of course.

And how long should I expect him to be gone? Realistically.

realistically, my soothsaying skills are the pitts. i hold expectations as premeditated resentments. my matrimonial philosophy is, "let god lead the dance."

 

[Freida]

sufferer here...

When I'm in that place I have to isolate because my brain is exploding and I truly feel like if one more person, no matter who it is, speaks to me I'm going to totally lose my mind. Think about it like holding on to a crevice 100 feet above the ground by your fingertips and someone asks you to clap. It just can't be done.

The level of overwhelm is really hard to explain but it's like a total inability to think or function. So I have to just hunker down and wait for it to pass - and that will happen when it happens. I don't have any say in how long it will take.

I used to just take off but after lots of counseling hubby and I set rules for my run aways. I have to tell him where I'm at, and I have to check in at least once a day to tell him I'm ok. In return he lets me go and doesn't try to "help." These days we have it down to a science and I can isolate at home most of the time but it took a long time to get to this place. And nope, I can never give a time frame on how long it will last because it all depends on what set me off.

PTSD symptoms getting worse when you start therapy is pretty normal because it's dragging all that stuff you have been avoiding into the light and forcing you to deal with it. And that sucks for everyone.

 

[bigskywife]

Thanks all for the advice. He has since backed out of counseling next week, and I can only hope that he's still going to individual therapy. He's still texting about once a day, which I'm grateful for. Got a "thank you" text yesterday that made me bawl. Steeling myself for him to be gone for Christmas as well, which is heartbreaking. He's said to a mutual friend that he'll do Christmas with them but he already ghosted them for Thanksgiving so I'm not holding my breath. Idk, the thought that he wouldn't even let someone bring him a paper plate of leftovers and leave it at the door is particularly devastating to me.

All I can do is read the books recommended here, reassert that I'm still here when he texts, and wait. I know this is healthier than the numbing and dissociating he was doing before but wow this sucks. And there's definitely an undercurrent of judgment from friends and his family - that we're broken up, that our marriage must be shit for him to do this, etc. That somehow our marriage is bad and that's why this is happening. Not that he's finally getting help and engaging in typical PTSD behavior.

 

[Friday]

What I guess I’m asking is - is it likely that he’ll come back? Or should I talk to a lawyer?

Yes.

As in it’s both likely he’ll come back AND you should speak to a lawyer, as it’s equally likely he won’t.

I know. That sucks. In every possible way. As there aren’t any answers. Just confirmation that your divided mind? Is spot on, & doing the reasonable & rational thing. With the person you love, & the person breaking your heart.

With PTSD, the more INTENSE/POWERFUL/RIGHT the relationship? The more difficult it is, just to breathe, much less get up & shower/dress/do anything. Consider it like a parent who has lost a child is devastated to a degree no one is when their mailman dies. The more important the relationship? The more it shatters you. So? You’re CLEARLY important. Deeply & profoundly, to him. Unfortunately that may mean you’ll hear from him in a decade, or 6mo from now. As opposed to next week, or this afternoon. Or? The opposite. There’s a wildness, with PTSD, as it overlays the present with the past. Both attempting to occupy the same space. The more important you are to him? GENERALLY speaking, the longer it will take to unf*ck himself long enough to be enough. Much less to be himself. With yourself. Some friction? Plays music. Other friction? Flays the skin and muscle from the bone. Which friction is in play? Is NOT YOUR FAULT, AND NOT ABOUT YOU. It’s about whether he’s putting a record on, or has been tied up behind a truck.

So since what’s wrong is NOT about you? Or your relationship? You’re the only one who can protect you / your relationship. IE? DO talk to a lawyer. Take the steps you need to, to protect you. And? It. Is. Also. Okay. to simply use that as knowledge of next steps, whilst you protect your relationship. It’s not like “Girl! Kick him to the curb, the rat bastard, you’re an idiot!”, nor is it “How dare you blah blah blah!”. YOU? Are in the rock meets hard place. So? No guilt, no shame, just do what you can, as you can, as you need. And that? Is the right thing. Full stop.

 

[Annie1123]

sufferer here...

When I'm in that place I have to isolate because my brain is exploding and I truly feel like if one more person, no matter who it is, speaks to me I'm going to totally lose my mind. Think about it like holding on to a crevice 100 feet above the ground by your fingertips and someone asks you to clap. It just can't be done.

The level of overwhelm is really hard to explain but it's like a total inability to think or function. So I have to just hunker down and wait for it to pass - and that will happen when it happens. I don't have any say in how long it will take.

I used to just take off but after lots of counseling hubby and I set rules for my run aways. I have to tell him where I'm at, and I have to check in at least once a day to tell him I'm ok. In return he lets me go and doesn't try to "help." These days we have it down to a science and I can isolate at home most of the time but it took a long time to get to this place. And nope, I can never give a time frame on how long it will last because it all depends on what set me off.

PTSD symptoms getting worse when you start therapy is pretty normal because it's dragging all that stuff you have been avoiding into the light and forcing you to deal with it. And that sucks for everyone.

I really would like to get to a place with my partner like the agreement you have with your partner. I want to give him space, but we don't have any rules about and it's too painful for me. It always makes me think "this is the end" or "he doesn't care about me or he would care about how much this hurts me." I'm really hopeful that we can see a therapist with a strong background in trauma that can help us get to that point that we have a way to deal with the times when he needs to be alone.

 

[Freida]

"he doesn't care about me or he would care about how much this hurts me

This. I see a lot of supporters who see this and ya, it might sometimes be true. Ptsd doesn't excuse us from just being total asshats.
But I think that it's more likely that he doesn't even "see" you - if that makes sense?
Once that rabbit hole opens and I fall down it I'm oblivious to those around me. It's not that I don't care about their problems or feelings. It's that I'm totally unaware of them in the first place. It actually took me coming here and listening to the supporters to figure out that I was even causing a problem in my relationships!

I think the idea of a trauma T for you as a couple is brilliant!

 

[Annie1123]

But I think that it's more likely that he doesn't even "see" you - if that makes sense?
Once that rabbit hole opens and I fall down it I'm oblivious to those around me. It's not that I don't care about their problems or feelings. It's that I'm totally unaware of them in the first place. It actually took me coming here and listening to the supporters to figure out that I was even causing a problem in my relationships!

Thank you, I find that what you have shared makes it easier to depersonalize what is happening this time around.

 

[Nairobi]

This. I see a lot of supporters who see this and ya, it might sometimes be true. Ptsd doesn't excuse us from just being total asshats.
But I think that it's more likely that he doesn't even "see" you - if that makes sense?
Once that rabbit hole opens and I fall down it I'm oblivious to those around me. It's not that I don't care about their problems or feelings. It's that I'm totally unaware of them in the first place. It actually took me coming here and listening to the supporters to figure out that I was even causing a problem in my relationships!

I think the idea of a trauma T for you as a couple is brilliant!

I think this comment is very interesting. I think I have an example of this. Last week, after some days out of the city, I came back home only for one day. I wanted to spend some time with my friend (my friend with PTSD, who has some problems in his life, is living in my house, but he usually doesnt speak to me). He was isolated in his room, like usual, so I put him a message, asking if he wanted to have lunch togethers.
He answered "No". After some days without see him, I was going to travel again for several weeks, and I was very sad that he didnt want to share a moment with me (he doesnt have friends or any social life, I think I am the only person with whom he interacts in the "real" life, but he has some online friends and some days he is able to speak a lot and laugh and spend hours speaking online with them, while he is unable to speak two consecutive sentences with me, and that makes me feel he doesnt care about me). I reacted to his "NO" with a sad face. And then he asked me, why did you put a sad face?
For me, it was very clear, I wanted to spend time with him, and when he said NO, he was rejecting me, and I was very hurt. But he didnt understand why I was sad.
This is only one example. But several times we had similar situations, I was hurt, he noticed I was hurt because of something related with him, but he didnt understand why his isolation is affecting me

I have tried to work in communication with him. Is very difficult, but we have made some improvements. For example, he is still not able to speak to me, but he has understood that for me is very important to share time togethers, so sometimes we make activities togethers in complete silence, like cook something.

Happy new year for all of you!

 

[Freida]

I think I am the only person with whom he interacts in the "real" life, but he has some online friends and some days he is able to speak a lot and laugh and spend hours speaking online with them, while he is unable to speak two consecutive sentences with me, and that makes me feel he doesnt care about me). I

yepper! super common for us.
I spend hours and hours on line somedays, but barely communicate with hubby because he is here. In my space. I can bullshit the people on line or on the phone, but can't do that when he's standing right in front of me.

It has nothing to do with me caring or not. It's all about the energy it takes to have "real" conversations - even if they are only a sentence or two.

LOL case in point - I've barely talked to him today and he just walked by, waved and kept going. He knows I"m here on the forum and he knows that's where I need to be - yapping at my forum crew instead of him, even if it doesn't make any sense.