Evil Thoughts

[Sandra]

Does or has anyone had any evil thoughts towards their abuser(s)?

I have these thoughts more then I realize.

I was about 12 or 13 at the time. And I was drying the dishes. I was holding a butcher knife in my hand staring at it wanting to use it on my mother. As I hated her that much.

 

[NIKI]

I do have evil thoughts. Not so much me killing them. But wanting them to die.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Yes. :oops:

 

[Sandra]

True Nikki. I guess I have had both of those thoughts.

 

[jo may]

Yes daily I hate him that much but I also admit to being scared of him still.
I'm more with the wishing something horrible and nasty happens to him and it hurts a lot.

 

[Sandra]

Hugs for everyone.

 

[doglover]

Not usually. I'm scared of how docile I feel toward the person who has abused me the most. I guess I'm still waiting to let it be okay to be angry about it more of the time. Right now I'm only angry about it in little snippets, usually more sad than angry.

 

[freakofnurture]

Elaborate torture scenes, beating, hacking, slicing them open, acid drinks, high voltage treatments and - my favourite - the burning car wreck. Slow, painful deaths due to disease are also nice to think about.

I don't find those thoughts evil, though. Unproductive, maybe, but not evil. I only judge actions that way, never thoughts.

 

[Sandra]

Freakofnuture. I guess it really does show just how much anger we do have within ourselves towards our abuser(s). Which is not a good thing.

 

[Bordo66]

Sometimes get psycopathic idea's but I try not to give it much attention

 

[freakofnurture]

(...) it really does show just how much anger we do have within (...). Which is not a good thing.

I wouldn't necessarily say that.

There is a healthy anger which stems from healthy parts of you; parts that know that the abuse was wrong, that you deserve better than that, that you have rights and limits that others are obliged to respect and so on. This anger is you taking your own side, wanting to fight for yourself, acknowledging your own value as a person; it's the first step on a long journey to self-acceptance and, ultimately, self-love.

You shouldn't spend most of your time transfixed with hateful fantasies, that much I agree on, of course. But to be really really really angry, that's the only appropriate (initial) reaction to the amount of pain and injustice that has been dealt to you.

 

[heidi]

I wouldn't call those evil thoughts.
^ or yeah. That's what I meant to say.
It's only natural.

You shouldn't spend most of your time transfixed with hateful fantasies, that much I agree on, of course. But to be really really really angry, that's the only appropriate (initial) reaction to the amount of pain and injustice that has been dealt to you.