Relationship Waiting

[Aunt Flo]

Well, I have been pacing this weekend, but also trying to keep myself busy. My boyfriend is seeing his daughter this weekend, and i had already made the decision not to intrude on his time with her.

Anyway, after Thursday night, I was feeling just a little insecure but tried to put it out of my mind. I texted him Friday to say good morning and i love him to which he would always reply. He didnt. So I sent anither text asking him if he needed space away from me. I then had an afterthought and texted to wush him a fab weekend and i would talk to him next week.

At lunchtime he texted to say he needed space and he was irritable that I had sent him texts when he didnt reply. I tried to explain but he told me to stop. I haven't heard from him , and I've definately done as he has asked.

I know its his ptsd again, and he was probably focussing on his trip away and he received the texts in the middle of a course. I feel like kicking myself! I'm always conscious of what I say and do so as not to upset him. I know he needs to have control at all times and if things happen outside of his control ie; me texting, some idiot on the road etc, he gets annoyed. I really dont know when I should contact him now, or do i wait for him? This is such a learning curve for me, but I want to standby him and support him.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you x

<please use paragraph spacings as per the forum guidelines thank you - Nicolette>

 

[Jacquie]

TIme and time again, people have turned their backs on my wife, and walked away from her. She thinks that that is normal procedure. I want her to know that it isn't.

Wise words from Angus

 

[Nicolette]

I texted him Friday to say good morning and i love him to which he would always reply. He didnt. So I sent anither text asking him if he needed space away from me. I then had an afterthought and texted to wush him a fab weekend and i would talk to him next week. At lunchtime he texted to say he needed space and he was irritable that I had sent him texts when he didnt reply. I tried to explain but he told me to stop. I haven't heard from him , and I've definately done as he has asked.

If you want advice - Stop and go and read every sticky thread at the top of each Supporter Section Aunt Flo.

You texted him because you felt insecure. Granted and understood but this does not work with PTSD if asked to be alone. Then you made it worse by texting again due to getting no reply.....this is not giving someone space. Adding an after thought would have added fat to the fire! Space at this point sounds to me like DO NOT TEXT first.

He told you he was irritated you sent texts and you did not listen as you tried to explain. Stop means stop in PTSD language. Just bite your tongue, tie your hands behind your back if you need to but don't keep at him even though you may have a valid point from your perspective.

Without being mean you need to work on your co-dependency during these times and not contact him or you will end up totally alone.

The simplest advice I can give you is what he is clearly saying to you - give him space. This means you are going to have to sit tight and do not initiate ANY contact. Even if you are really sick and need help - contact someone else. Seriously, you have to listen to him. I get it sucks, I get it hurts, that you are lonely and so on. You have to choose how much you can handle and what your boundaries are. Some people can ride the roller coaster and others can't. Also a big factor would be how managed his PTSD is.

 

[Nicolette]

I've definately done as he has asked.

Sorry but IMHO you have not done as asked.... not even close. :(

 

[Aunt Flo]

Thanks Nicolette
When i said 'I done what he asked' , I meant I have now done what he has asked and giving space. Texting was always ok before this point. I think because he was on a course and his phone kept going off, that understandably irritated him. He doesnt normally have his phone on him. I have not contacted him all weekend, so hopefully he knows i am listening to him.
This is all new to me and I'm just trying to understand it. I'm not giving up and will wait put for him.

 

[Nicolette]

Flo, the best advice I can give you as a beginner is this:

If he starts getting irritable or changes behavior it is time to back off and only respond. While a text message saying "I love you" is what you and I would like to receive - to them it is an invasion. Seriously. I watch my husband and when he has an off day and the phone beeps from a message he gets cross and 90% of the time will not even go and see who the message is from. If it beeps again he then gets further irritated and if it rang he would not answer it.

I always say I love you and kiss my husband goodbye and the other morning he was in a bad mood. He snapped at me so I said goodbye and left for work. No kiss, no nothing else, no saying he shouldn't be snapping at me etc. About an hour later I got an sms saying "I still love you". That to me tells me, after being with him for 4 1/2 years, he is not well so let him be and give him space. (I already picked he was not well and that is something you need to learn and not ignore - ever!).

In the early days I would not even get that text message and getting one does not mean open slather and back to normal. It means let him be.... he is doing the best he can by sending me the message so I have to respect the illness and let him rest. The more I pay attention - the better off life is for me.

 

[Aunt Flo]

I feel as tho ive blown it, but his friend said if i had, he would have told me there and then, regardless if it was by text. He had alot to think about for this weekend and from what I've read, PTSD sufferers can realky only deal with on thing at a time. I will wait out. He has said that its not me, so I need to learn not to take it personally. We do love each other, and I have told him I'm not going anywhere, so he knows that.

 

[amethist]

Aunt Flo

Nicolette is right, hard as the lessons are that we as supporters have to learn, we have to learn them quicker than they sometimes learn how PTSD effect them.

I have been a supporter for 4 years now, I am still learning, and still making mistakes, but learning from them, as we go through this together.

This morning I needed help with some shopping, only a 10 minute walk to the small supermarket. But after asking my husband if he would go with me, and that the walk would do him good, he refused with the excuse, that the motorcycle racing was on. MMM yes it was, but an hour later, we would have got there and back before it started.

I was annoyed as what we needed was too heavy for me to carry, and really did not want to go on my own, and have to take this stupid shopper on wheels. To be honest that was my own issue not his, I dont feel old enough to have a the damn thing, but no having no car, I have no choice, because I cant carry as I used to.

So I went on my own, and kept my peace, having seen a silly horoscope this morning, warning me not to cross boundaries. That meant, keep quiet go on your own and dont push your luck, as I could quite easily have made it worse than it really needed to be today.

Not too long ago, I would have not even asked him to go with me. In the beginning I would have got in a strop because of the lack of help from him, because like you now, I had to learn what he could and could not do.

What am I saying here, basically if our sufferers so no to anything, sometimes we just have to let it go and do our own thing. If this means no contact, because they say no contact, then we have to respect their wishes. If they so no I can't do this, or go there today, then you have to back off and respect this too.

This is not meant in disrespect, but as Nicolette has said, "If you dont like roller coasters, get off now". As this is how it will always be, it may slow down and level up for a while, but there will always be highs and lows, as well as out of control speeds.

It is tough and it is a bumpy ride, but if you can learn the basics early on, you can keep going, riding this together all the way.

Amethist

 

[Aunt Flo]

Thank you Amethist.
I am indeed learning very quickly. I feel as tho I'm walking on eggshells, but he has told me there is no need.
I've seen how quickly his mood changes and its different to anything I have ever experienced. That said, I am prepared to stay on the rollercoaster. I just need to learn when to back off. I've certainly learnt this lesson and I expect there are more to come. I have kept myself busy this weekend and will wait for him. I know he will feel embarrassed for his reaction, as he has before. This is something he says he needs to fix.
Thank you again x

 

[Aunt Flo]

Feeling alot happier now. He made the first contact tonight and clearly wanted me to respond, which I did - everything seems to be back on a level footing. He obviously needed the space, which I gave him, and he has recharged.

At least now I know what to do next time around, and also to NOT text him so often. I really do appreciate the advice you have all given to me, and have heeded it well. I will continue to read the forums and supporters threads, so that I can best understand what he and I are going through. I'm not saying I won't be back on here again in a week's time pouring my heart out, but its fantastic to know the support is here!!

Thank you so much again :) x

 

[May1321]

but his friend said if i had, he would have told me there and then

Aunt Flo - I too am learning the dance and have even surprised myself at to how quickly I sucked it up - considering my initial confusion and occasional freak out as something new occurs with the disorder :confused: - But as your sufferer's friend had said I believe holds true. My boyfriend tells me the exact same thing and after watching his true colors shine through over the last few months, I believe it. When he's done, he's done. If he doesn't approve, he doesn't approve.

As Nicollete and Amethist have said above is true, too.

It's so easy to lose sight of the underlying lava about to explode when we go from explosion, to fear, to ALL BETTER because they contacted us. You can not and should not get lost in the "bliss" of the good moments when there is still so much prep and knowledge and self improving to be attained.

I have held sted fast in my own therapy appointments and reading and collecting data so that when my sufferer slips into a bad moment, those moments get easier for me to not get sucked into his spiral. It still sucks... it's still hard... but they are getting better.

Just this last Friday, we were out celebrating a birthday dinner and were at a restaurant we've been to before. He gets vocal when he's pushing the limits of his PTSD but can usually keep it to a minimum if he's someplace where he feels somewhat comfortable. I was prepared to not spend time with his this weekend so would've accepted a "no" if he didn't want to go with me that night.... yet he has a really hard time saying "no" to sushi and it was money my bosses had given me for the day :)

One problem when he gets vocal is he's hard of hearing from his time in the army, so his level of quiet is actually pretty loud :whistling: All things considered, he was pretty well behaved but he started into me about how I deserve to have a better boyfriend, one who is not sick, and one who can afford to shower me in sushi and things all the time. He has so many insecurities sometimes that shine through that it was all I could do to hold back tears because although I know he was doing this because of PTSD and his stuff and the added stress of pleasing me on my big day, it just sucks he had to do it on such a fun evening (we were having a lot of fun). I couldn't stop my shortness of breathing that happens when you start to cry. I didn't argue with him because I knew that would just make things worse, and it was him just venting. When he noticed that I was getting upset, he literally asked "What's wrong, baby?"... I repeated what he said. He was polite (which doesn't always happen) and said that isn't what he said and I misunderstood him. He didn't even know what was coming out of his mouth. He doesn't realize sometimes he says things. It's the insecurity things that hurt me in a round about way and sometimes can be brash if I retaliate vs. just letting him be.

This particular moment passed quickly and we went right back to enjoying ourselves but it is that underlying lava that explodes even in the best of moments that you have to be prepared for. It's not eggshells as much as it is just not responding. As you get more comfortable, as Nicolette and Amethist have mentioned, you can add to what normally you wouldn't have said. You learn each other's boundaries. I'm tiptoeing more than I have ever in a relationship, however... there are a lot of flags. I'm with my boyfriend because he does ask why I got upset and we are able to communicate and navigate our way through things... but there is still a lot of learning and even then, I don't know if it is going to be worth the long haul. I'd like it to be, he's the best friend I've always wanted... but sometimes the PTSD does bring out the worst in him and I can handle his PTSD... I just don't know if I can handle the personality that PTSD ignites.

Take care of you... solidify your footing. It's the only way you're going to make it through to the next level. You may together not win the game, but prepping yourself for the battle is all you can do.

 

[KK3966]

Aunt Flo, I completely understand wanting to do the right thing and be supportive, but don't beat yourself up about texting him that and then texting him again when he didn't respond. I'm sorry, I'm talking to myself also, because I get so irrtated w/myself trying so hard to "be perfect", and no one is perfect. Do the best you can, and learn from mistakes and don't beat yourself up over it. It's hard living your life walking on eggshells(that's how i feel sometimes). Never knowing when to do what. He should appreciate that you care so much and try so hard. Glad everything is going well now :tup:

Thank you May1321 for your response earlier. We had a great weekend. He was non touchy, but I could tell he was trying. And we celebrated his birthday all weekend, and when he left Sunday night he txtd me and told me how glad he was that I made him celebrate it, and what a great weekend it was, & how much he loved me. Even got phone call this morning bcuz he wanted to hear my voice. We text every morning. But a ph call to hear my voice ..Now that's never happened before! That was really sweet. I had emailed him Friday about some behaviors on Thursday (underlying lava!), and in his way of showing me he was sorry.. he showed me his phone Friday, letting me know he was in the midst of downloading the ptsd coach app to his Droid. He also brought up his insomnia. So I am hopeful that he is moving towards getting more help.

And I agree w/Aunt Flo. You guys are great! It's so nice to have a place to talk, and learn, and support each other!:)