Relationship Waiting

[Prettysmile]

Nicollette, Wow.. I have heard this several times before. I am still fairly new to ptsd and I will admitt that MY marine is a bit different from most sufferers so its hard for me to distinguish weather I am in denial and waiting on a miracle for him to change or am I being an understanding girlfriend and let things play out?

My Marine, Well you should visit my profile and read out whole love story. I've known him two years but technically been only really dating for a few months. He dropped the line on me that I deserve better, I am the perfect woman but he is just not ready. Before he came home he wanted to settled down an marry me.. Now he says he feels like an alien outside of the military and he says he loves and cares for me but he doesnt want to be with me..

Now you said to watch his actions. His actions all say he WANTS me! Thats why I am confused. He said he is not capable of a real relationship right now but yet he cant leave me alone. I'm afraid its just physical attraction at times. I hope he is just not in LUST with me vs. IN LOVE with me. But he does goes a couple days without a call or show. Then he turns around and spends the entire weekend with me and professes his love for me. Can you help me untangle this mess of confusion?

 

[Nicolette]

Prettysmile.... the best advise I can give you is keep your eyes and heart open while trusting your gut. There are no hard and fast rules with this illness. But I will warn you - before you get in too deep - this is not the road for the weak or the faint hearted. Using Amethist's words: "you need the skin of a rhino" but you also need the patience of a saint IMHO.

The disappearing is very common depending on what stage he is at. I guess the most important question you need answered are:

• Does he want to get better?
• Is he willing to get better?

Wishing you lots of luck in untangling the confusion as, from where you sit, it can be very confusing. Take care.

 

[Aunt Flo]

Hi

I am new to this forum. I met my PTSD sufferer 2 weeks ago. We spent a whole weekend together, in which time he told me he had fallen in love with me. Wow! Quick work I know, but I feel the same. We are both in our 40s, so should know who we feel... right?

The first time I experienced a trigger with him, he asked me to leave to which I felt very confused and didn't understand. I then decided to read up on PTSD to get a better understanding. We spoke everyday and he said it wasn't me, it was him and that he didn't want me to walk away from him. I told him I wasn't going anywhere and I would support him.

We decided to go away together the following weekend and had a fantastic time, up until a point. He was concerned the trains wouldn't run back in time, then his phone died and he couldn't make an important phone call. I could see that this wasn't going down at all well, and could seeing him going numb. I didn't quite know what to do, I tried reassuring him about the train, and said we could charge his phone up somewhere, but he just looked straight through me and ridiculed everything I said. He also pointed out that there was a couple of things I kept doing that had annoyed him over the weekend. I felt sick to the stomach. I am insecure anyway, due to past issues, and don't feel this is helping.

I made a decision not to show my insecurities in front of my bf, and we went out this week to the pictures and for a meal and had a great time. We tell each other we love each other daily.

Last night he went out and had a few drinks. We chatted on msn when he got back, and he sounded different. He said something to me which I didn't quite understand, so I asked. He then snapped at me, so I said I would go to bed now. He then said it frustrates him because I don't know him. I apologise, and he gets annoyed when I say I'm sorry!

This morning, he has been distant with me, and I am struggling to deal with that. Every morning we say we love each other (sets us up for the day) but today he didn't. I have asked him if he needs some space from me, and am yet to get a reply.

I want to wait for him, but I am confused by the rollercoaster I am on.

I love him deeply.

 

[Nicolette]

Oh it's a huge rollercoaster ride Aunt Flo. My husband, during his bad days, proposed to his second wife two weeks after knowing her. I don't want to dampen your spirits but just keep your eyes open as I think they can have times when their PTSD is unmanaged and their emotions are all over the place. I also understand that my husband was also verbally/emotionally abusive at this time so what you are saying is ringing a few bells for me.

Have fun, good luck, and just be careful.

 

[Aunt Flo]

Thank you Nicolette

He tells me I have to believe in us as a couple, and that I have to believe him when he says he loves me. But last night after he had been drinking, he came across somewhat differently. This has subsequently put me on edge and now my emotions are all over the place.... again. I want him to reassure me but I know this will annoy him, as he has already told me we are ok.

He is seeing his daughter this weekend, so I am making a conscious decision not to contact him during this time. If he needs me, he knows I am at the end of the phone. I don't want him to feel that I am being intrusive in the time he spends with his daughter.

I gather mood swings are part of PTSD. I am trying not to take it personally, but as I am new to this, it proves difficult at times. I feel as though I always have to be upbeat with him. He prods me when I go quiet and keeps asking what's wrong. During those quiet times, I am just trying to gather my thoughts together so that I don't say or do the wrong thing. 'Walking on eggshells' springs to mind because everything I do, I have to thought process it first before doing, so spontaneous is almost out of the question, although he likes spontaniety at times. He tries not to think too far ahead as his mind doesn't work that way.

I just need some support of my own, while I am supporting him.

 

[Nicolette]

I just need some support of my own, while I am supporting him.

Correct :tup:

 

[amethist]

Hi Aunt Flo and Prettysmile.

I just though I would post up for both of you a quick example of how quickly the PTSD mood can change.

My husband has been a sufferer for the last 4 years of our 8 year marriage, and is only now beginning to deal with his issues and emotions better, though his PTSD is not from combat.

On Wednesday he finally, after months and months of deliberation, started to restore his motorcycle, he had a great day doing what he loves best. Happy and relaxed without a care in the world, no one would have know there was anything wrong with him at all if they just sat out of view and watched him.

Yesterday, he was tried and ratty, irritable and making comments about all sorts of things, when there was no need to. To the point of being irrational with some of them, laughing and finding the comments funny, but to me he was just being an arse. This is not him, never was before PTSD, but seems to be more often than not at times now.

Today again he is tired and down, gone back to bed even after having a full nights sleep for once. He would not take any notice of my suggestions, just told me "It's too cold to go out and do that today. Plus no point until you order and the new back mud guard is delivered". Basically trying say that he could not do any more, until I sorted that out. WTF er no its because he has no motivation to do it today, so twisted it, to try and shift the focus of why he wont/cant go outside and do the thing he loves best.

So the low mood is no one's fault, but his, not mine for not ordering the part sooner, as he knew it would be ordered today.

Tomorrow, he could be out there, in all the grease and oil, as if it was an everyday thing.

As Nicolette said in her post "Growing the skin of a Rhino and learning to have to Patience of a Saint, is a good place to start. Remember though PTSD could even make a Saint go off on one at times.

Take care and try and put yourselves first at times, both of you.

Amethist

 

[Prettysmile]

Nicollette,
Thats one of the main reasons I admire him and I am still around. He only served 4yrs as an Infantry Marine. He has been deployed 3 times in the past year and thats AFTER he returned from Afganastan fall of 2010. ( Which did the damage I believe). His last deployment was very brief while he was in Kuwait for two months in which he spoke to me for hours at a time almost everyday while he was deployed from a satelite phone. On the phone he sounded completely normal and was making all these plans when he gets out of the military May 2011 after his contract expired. But When his contract date came he disapeared with no call at all and he didnt move back to his home state where I was waiting on him. He emailed me after a month and told me that he cant come home right now. He is expercing some problems and he needs to fix it before he sees me. At the time i didnt know anything about PTSD. Long story short he finally made it home late July and explained to me that he immediatly realized once he returned from Kuwait that he wasnt right in the head and he went to counseling. He feared that If I saw him the way he was it would scare me away and he would ruin any chance he had with me.

So to answer you question he badly wants to be better. I have never seen someone try so hard. The funny thing is he conceals his PTSD from everyone so well. Only he knows whats going on inside. He doesnt have nightmmares. I never see him lose his temper (except when he's driving and someone cuts him off.. But who doesnt have a little road rage). He's a very affectionate and emotional guy! He's a Cancer go figure! Even after he came home I didnt suspect anything was wrong until we went out to dinner and the place was packed I notice some anxiety. The music in the restaurants started sounding like bombs in there and thats when I said okay there is something wrong.

After I called him out on his binge drinking and taking excessive meds and him starting to be distant. He put himself back in counseling and he is there 2 to 3 times a week and he loves it there! When he is not working he goes on his days off. He loves hanging around the VETS. But he claims he's not ready like he thought he was for a relationship and maybe he is right. But we sure still act like we are. When he doesnt call for two days. I dont call him either. I leave him alone. That is the only complaint I have in the relationship. He does communicate and talk to me about the war. He tells me what bothers him. He is a hard worker and a provider. He is extremly romantic. Never disrespects me or any woman. But I am just afraid I am hanging on to someone who may never 100 % commit because he feels like I deserve better than a man with PTSD.

 

[May1321]

My husband, during his bad days, proposed to his second wife two weeks after knowing her. I don't want to dampen your spirits but just keep your eyes open as I think they can have times when their PTSD is unmanaged and their emotions are all over the place. I also understand that my husband was also verbally/emotionally abusive at this time

My sufferer has admitted these things as well with his ex wife and his ex gfs... our relationship, in fact, started out exactly the same way with planning our wedding and naming our kids just two weeks in. Where my mind set on the subject was - yea, you seem to be all I want so let's work towards that but endulge in knowing we've met the one and can play for the next couple of years truly getting to know each other.Then sparks really flew when after 3 weeks he tried showing me this house he was going to buy and move US into.... I freaked, we fought, he freaked, but instead of fleeing the coop completely, or sticking it out and being abusive, he decided it was time to 'clean up his act' and what was going on was really brought on by his PTSD.

He's been home for almost 7 years but had some of the behaviours I saw in my baby bro when he had returned but has since lessened when he first had a little help. They do seem to work towards getting better but sometimes it's the eye of the hurricane.

I agree... it wouldn't be worth it if he didn't WANT and TRY to get better.

As for "marriage talk"... every now and then it comes up in passing but we went back to square one and though we kind of skipped over that "happy in love" phase (too much for the PTSD) I think we're doing a lot better. Maybe my skin IS getting a bit thicker. Definitely still working on some of my patience ;)

 

[KK3966]

What is up with that?? Our relationship was fast & furious. He wanted to be with me all the time.

After a month, I wanted to be exclusive, and he agreed, and said he was falling in love w/me. From there it was speedy.. was basically living with me 4+ days of the week. But when I said something to him about moving in, he didn't want to. I was so hurt and so confused. What were we already doing? So, I set boundaries. I couldn't afford him there all the time, either.

We backed it off to him just staying weekends. And during the week if he were to come over, it'd be later in the evening. I still am hurt by this. He said he does not know why he doesn't want to move in. He literally cannot tell me. So yeah, that's reassuring. When we talked about this change, he said he wanted to see me during the week still and wasn't thrilled about backing off, but said he would live.

Now, he seems to want to spend even less time with me during the week. I hate sitting there waiting for someone to show up (because they are supposed to) and having to text them to find out at like 7 at night that they aren't coming. I'm a planner. So I told him the other day, I'm doing my own thing during the week. If he wants to come over, fine...if I'm available, he can.

I'm pretty upset about the whole situation. I thought he was head over heels and wanting to live together. He's going through his symptoms right now, and I think his birthday, and his anniversary w/his exwife are really triggering things for him. Sunday is their first anniversary since they split a yr ago. Got married on his bday. I'm trying to give him some space, but feel .. ya know, alone, misled, confused, unloved. Seeing him shortly for our weekend together, so hopefully that will make me feel better, and hopefully he will be in a better place. I'll be glad when Sunday is over. Hopefully, he'll feel better.

<please use paragraph spacings for readability thank you - Nicolette>

 

[May1321]

KK... I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

It was hard for me so soon to think of moving in with my boyfriend when we first started dating. Yea... we spent every free moment together... he was head over heels and giving me passwords and keys, etc. etc. but my gutt instinct is what flipped.

I've spent relationships pretty much giving up my space, my job, my money, my dreams, etc. for these other guys. I wasn't quite "complete" with ME. My boyfriend and I talked about this about 3 months after the blow-up. He was so 'out of his head' he didn't even understand why I was upset. (Well, I was upset because he was yelling at me and I was having a hard time explaining why I didn't want to buy a house with him.) I was panicking about "moving too fast" because of what has happened in the past, vs. reveling in that I found someone who seemed just like me and wanted the same things as I did. I was content on taking it day by day because I'd found 'the one' so to speak and looked forward to completing my lease, waiting 6 months or more, etc. Well, me panicking raised his flags and awareness that moving so fast was not normal and he still had things he needed to repair.

My take with your boyfriend not wanting to move in right now or distancing himself more than usual is just him doing his thing to figure out him. When I wanted to slow things down, my boyfriend wanted to really get space. To the point we technically weren't dating for a couple of months.

I'm a planner, too, but I've learned to plan what I want to do vs. planning on him. Like you said, "if you are available". We've tried scheduling "us" days vs. days we can focus on ourselves but it doesn't really work right now with my boyfriend's schedule and life being out of control like it is. I just plan on leaving after work and going to the gym or whatever... he always seems to be on the horn at 5 p.m. wondering what my plan is, though and sometimes I just tell him I've got some stuff to do right after work, or I'll have plans with girlfriends and can see him later, or I don't have a plan (avoid the gym a lot ;) ) and we go grab fixings for dinner, wine, and pick out a movie.

Everyone on here says don't have high expectations. When they have PTSD, you can't count on them. Having someone else in your life can be expensive when you are living in seperate places, but it's also a really good time to work out the kinks.

I asked my boyfriend last night how he feels about living with me because like you and your boyfriend, we practically do already but I always shower at my place and get ready at my place. When he gives me a hard time about not bringing stuff to get ready at his place, I remind him that it adds to his stress level and we can talk about it when he gets more settled. Eventually, after dealing with his PTSD thus far, I think I would like for us to live together as a trial run... me still paying rent (to him since he would own the house) but be set up on a lease sort of system so I don't lose that credibility if I did have to move out after a while and get my own place again. Plus, I don't ever want to lose my dependence to someone else again. It's too easy to get dependent on eachother but I don't even want to wager it till we get some of these kinks in the direction and our relationship worked out.

I know it's hard to do and change your thinking but take advantage of this space and do FOR YOU. I guarantee you will alleviate 50% of your stress over it. ((((KK)))))

Enjoy your weekend!

 

[Frankie]

One thing I know about PTSD, and this is with what I have experienced with my exboyfriend.....when he had a thought in mind....it had to be NOW..this MOMENT. I would want to think things over and wait for the right time....he would not be able to wait..it had to be done right away.

Same thing when he wanted to move in with me...just 1 week after my exhusband left, I knew it was way too soon....I knew there would be problems...but seeing howmuch he wanted to start his life with me...I gave in...and I was right, it was too soon.

As supporters, you have to stand your ground. Had I made him wait how knows where we would be today.