What The Hell Was I Thinking!!

[jo may]

My husband ask's me questions all the time and I never really answer him as I don't know what to say. So today we had a bad start as he let strangers in my house and they kept trying to talk to me, one even hopped over and tried to shake my hand but I said and kinda rudely I don't touch people I don't know. When they left I was grumpy with him for letting them in and he was grumpy at me for being rude.

Once I calmed I said sorry but he knows how I feel about this type of thing, anyway he said sorry and asked me to talk to him. I couldn't I just shut down and zoned out.

5 hours later I say can I talk to you and he say's yes but what he meant was no he was busy.
So I start to open up to him a bit and he seems to be listening, but than he say's something and it's clear he wasn't. So I get mad and ask him why he wants me to open up to him if he's not going to listen anyway?Fair point I think.

We end up getting in a row over it all and I do what comes natural to me I say don't worry and zone out. But he's like a woodpecker now cos he knows he's upset me.

I'm now thinking why the hell did I open up to him?
I know it's best I keep what I'm really thinking to myself?

I won't be doing that again I tried, he shot me down so that's his choice.:mad:

 

[Cindy532]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Jo may. Relationships are hard especially with PTSD and other problems. I'm having problems in my marriage too and honestly it's at that breaking point where do you stay and work things out or do you leave, so maybe I'm not the best to speak on this. Does he usually not listen when you try to open up or is it a new thing? I don't know, I think maybe in a marriage opening up is a good thing for the most part. I'm sorry he wasn't there for you.

 

[catjudo]

I think that if your husband was busy and unable to talk/give his full attention to you at that moment he should have said so rather than saying he could talk then. However, this position of you tried to talk to him and you won't make that mistake again seems a bit unfair. If I'm understanding you correctly, initially you were unable to talk but then when you were able, your husband was busy. It sounds as though you're pouting because he wasn't immediately available when you wanted to talk. Just doesn't seem fair, IMHO.

 

[jo may]

Cindy thank you (((hugs))) sorry to hear your marriage isn't going well. I do believe PTSD puts a lot of pressure on them. My husband trys to be there for me and understand but he never truly will.

He has said he's sorry we had a game of scrabble as it helps me calm if you know what I mean.
He normally waits for me to open up as I'm a very closed in person, and as he put it tonight" he's worried as his wife is disappearing before his eyes and the is nothing he can do".:)

 

[jo may]

Hi catjudo,

I'm ashamed to admit you might be right i did throw a bit of a hissy fit:rolleyes:

Once we calmed down he said sorry for not really being ready and I said sorry for throwing my toys out of the pram.
I did say next time just say you have to do something first and he said fine:)

But it will take me a while to build up to opening up to him again as it's very rare I do to anyone.

 

[intothelight]

Jo May,

It is really hard to open up to people, even our spouses. Have you thought of asking him to set a period of time aside so you both can give each other undivided attention, just to talk about what either of you needs to? Sometimes just making time solves a lot of communication problems.

Just my .02.
Debbie

 

[jo may]

Hi intothelight.

That is part of the problem we never get any time when it's just us, i've got to pled with my mum to babysit an same with his. Mind the hubby say's his parents are so much worse than mine. At least they help us out they will not let us go without. I love my mum and dad, but it would be nice to get a break.

JM:)

 

[catjudo]

It's nice if your parents help with babysitting but it's not like it's their responsibility. There are other options. You can always hire a sitter. Can't afford one? How about trading with a friend...you watch their kid(s) so they can have a night out and in return they watch yours on another day.

 

[mamachick]

jo may-I am also sorry to hear that you are having these problems. It doesnt sound like a ptsd issue as much as communications related to temperment styles. Often, just as one person has a position, the other may hold the opposite-
for example; I have a difficult time opening up.....partner has a difficult time listening attentively without distractions
or: I am friendly and outgoing and like company.......partner is private and dislikes unannounced company

I don't think there is a right or wrong in so many scenarios that cause conflict, we just end up feeling unheard, needs unmet, taken for granted, etc. One thing I noticed in your first post was that you said "he knows he's upset me". This is not meant to be a criticism, only an observation. Since we have control over our own emotions, it helps me to say I get angry when, or I get upset when....Since I cannot change the others behavior, I can change how I think about things so I do not have harsh or hurt feelings as often. Something as simple as changing our language so that we won our won emotions is often helpful in communicating, as well as seeing the other persons view like examples above. I read this story about this woman in therapy saying that her husband never put the toilet seat down, the therapist told that for the next month she is to always make sure the seat is left up for her husband and they will talk again. It put a whole new perspective on this simple thing.

Im sorry my post is very general and not addressing specifices.

 

[jo may]

It's nice if your parents help with babysitting but it's not like it's their responsibility. There are other options. You can always hire a sitter. Can't afford one? How about trading with a friend...you watch their kid(s) so they can have a night out and in return they watch yours on another day.

Hi catjud

I totally agree with you on that and have said my friend has offered to babysit! But my husband just won't have it, he doesn't trust anyone with our son. Our son is very hard work but stunning and we get a lot of negative comments about him. Mostly from family, my mum say's all the time I couldn't have him he's far to much work etc.

It hurts me and my husband when we hear things like this.

 

[Srain]

It's good you can see where your side of things are writing things out, I think that really help me too. Communication is tough when our nature to protect ourselves from further hurt is to cut it off completely. So good job! :)

Sometimes a time out is a good thing for me to regroup and see where I am doing my husband's thinking for him so I think that's some kind of Super Power I think I have HA! Which, unfortunately I do not :speechless: Good point.

Hang in there, it's a lot of work but you are doing, don't forget to look at what you are doing right as well
parenting is a rough job :)

peace and hugs,
Rain