As Though I'm Not Within My Own Control

[Dalmaoma]

I constantly struggle to cope and even adapt to my PTSD. Last night I had an experience that utterly baffled me. At the time it occurred I simply couldn't explain it. I decided to watch Dracula 2000. A film I hadn't seen before. I wanted to watch it because I'm a fan of Gerard Butler and I knew he was in it. I watched the first part of it and became so disturbed by it I had to stop watching it. There wasn't anything in it out of the normal (of what I've watched before) or even that I would consider an obvious trigger; but for some unknown reason it upset me. I am going through counseling and feel that isn't helping and when things of this nature happen to me, it makes me feel completely out of control of myself. I try not to beat myself up over these things but often fail to keep an optimistic outlook. More and more things seem to hinder me; especially things that I feel shouldn't.

 

[Lionheart]

It is difficult when we are triggered by things that we tend to think of as minor...or worse yet, when we can't even identify a trigger. I get sudden panic attacks that come out of the blue and I start to think that something bad is about to happen. Most of the time I am wrong and it is just a feeling being triggered by some unconscious thought.

I was watching the previews before a featured film once and I "checked out" and lost a block of time...I couldn't tell what the preview was about, I totally missed it, and I had a horrible feeling attached to it and felt like I was out of control. Later someone told me it contained a violent rape scene, which makes sense to me, but I had seen rape scenes before and was disturbed by them a bit, but this particular time, I dissociated completely. It was like someone pulled me out of space and time. It was a helpless feeling.

Now, I have had years of counseling/ therapy and these things don't happen very often anymore, but they do happen and when they do, it is easy to feel like I haven't made any progress. After awhile, I realize that it could be much worse, so I am back to appreciating the progress I have made. It can be a real balancing act and I think you are doing a good thing by coming and posting about your experiences.

I wonder if you have discussed the fact that you don't think counseling is helping with your counselor? It may be that you need a new therapist or a new method of therapy to help you out. At any rate, I wish you luck and hope that you find that the triggers will get less and less frequent.

 

[Helliepig]

This sort of thing is happening to me a lot lately. Triggers from nonsensical things.
I see it as progress - it probably happened all the time before, but either i was dissociated, or feeling so shit all the time i didn't notice. Progress!

One thing I started to realise was that as I came "alive" I WOULD have nearly everything triggering because as a child I was terrified all the time - everything felt wrong and there were so many mixed up feelings inside to be uncovered. I try to look on it as a good thing that it is at last coming within reach.
It's a bit like a part of you starting to say "I'm here, listen to me now, cos no-one else did, now you are starting to listen it's safe to start telling you".

I try to stay with those feelings without interpreting them, tyring to imagine the importance of sitting with the feelings of that wounded part that noone has listened to before. It only feels out of control because it is unchartered waters and felt with the intensity of a bewildered child

HXX

 

[Tinyflame]

Or even a bewildered adult

 

[Dalmaoma]

It is difficult when we are triggered by things that we tend to think of as minor...or worse yet, when we can't even identify a trigger. I get sudden panic attacks that come out of the blue and I start to think that something bad is about to happen. Most of the time I am wrong and it is just a feeling being triggered by some unconscious thought.

I was watching the previews before a featured film once and I "checked out" and lost a block of time...I couldn't tell what the preview was about, I totally missed it, and I had a horrible feeling attached to it and felt like I was out of control. Later someone told me it contained a violent rape scene, which makes sense to me, but I had seen rape scenes before and was disturbed by them a bit, but this particular time, I dissociated completely. It was like someone pulled me out of space and time. It was a helpless feeling.

Now, I have had years of counseling/ therapy and these things don't happen very often anymore, but they do happen and when they do, it is easy to feel like I haven't made any progress. After awhile, I realize that it could be much worse, so I am back to appreciating the progress I have made. It can be a real balancing act and I think you are doing a good thing by coming and posting about your experiences.

I wonder if you have discussed the fact that you don't think counseling is helping with your counselor? It may be that you need a new therapist or a new method of therapy to help you out. At any rate, I wish you luck and hope that you find that the triggers will get less and less frequent.

Thank you Lionheart 777 for your reply. I do hope that down the road I find that there is benefit to counseling. My therapist has mentioned me working on gaining coping skills. Some of the ideas she has so far offered hasn't been real helpful; such as mindfulness. When I feel overwhelmed and/or stressed; I bite myself (usually on my hands or arms), she has suggested holding an ice cube , quiet breathing and muscle relaxation to interrupt the desire to harm myself. I've tried the muscle relaxation and found my mind over-powered my attempt at counteracting it. I'm in the early stages of counseling; so I try to convey to myself that I can't expect immediate results and that this will take time to alter the severity. It seemed like the PTSD came out of nowhere when I was triggered by my sister's pursuit of the man that molested us as children; so I have the hardened outlook that I should be able to overcome it just as suddenly as it came on and be as I use to be. I long to be as I once was but fear the possiblity that I may never fully be the person I once was.

 

[Dalmaoma]

This sort of thing is happening to me a lot lately. Triggers from nonsensical things.
I see it as progress - it probably happened all the time before, but either i was dissociated, or feeling so shit all the time i didn't notice. Progress!

One thing I started to realise was that as I came "alive" I WOULD have nearly everything triggering because as a child I was terrified all the time - everything felt wrong and there were so many mixed up feelings inside to be uncovered. I try to look on it as a good thing that it is at last coming within reach.
It's a bit like a part of you starting to say "I'm here, listen to me now, cos no-one else did, now you are starting to listen it's safe to start telling you".

I try to stay with those feelings without interpreting them, tyring to imagine the importance of sitting with the feelings of that wounded part that noone has listened to before. It only feels out of control because it is unchartered waters and felt with the intensity of a bewildered child

HXX

Thank you Helliepig for your reply. I can totally relate to what you are saying. It truly amazes me as to what triggers me; at times. The thing that is so disturbing to me is how it can come out of nowhere. There is no time to prepare yourself or even be aware of it. At the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 my emotions were raw and at the surface; something I wouldn't have expected to happen. There have also been times when my mother has had a program on tv, like Dateline, and a story will affect me and I find that I can't close myself off from it or the upsetting emotions I am faced with. Since it isn't possible to live in a bubble; we have no choice but to encounter these triggers. I do hope once I've learned some coping skills that I'm able to make them work for me and experience less (or at least less intense) episodes.

 

[Helliepig]

Hi Dalmaoma,
I'm glad you can relate - i find it so reassuring to hear on here that people are struggling with the same things I am!!!
I was thinking about your post and it made me think about something that's quite hard to put into words but i'll try and make sense because i wonder if it might help...

I realised that I used to have a lot of "feelings" all merged into one, that was so often around it felt like my "normal" state. If something triggered i was oblivious to it, just felt worse and thought, here we go again, I'm depressed/anxious/overtired or there you go, i'm pathetic, useless and lonely.

So i had it all neatly packaged in order to have some handle over it. Now those explanations developed when i was little. I believe these are called "made thoughts"- almost like a voice that tells you those things, like thoughts linked automatically to certain feelings.
With therapy, and learning to just sit and notice feelings, and experience them in my body and to QUIETEN MY EXPLANATIONS, i realised that those explanations were nothing more than a childish attempt to make sense of it all when noone else helped me - and i still believed they were true or accurate simply because they had always been there, but they were misleading.

The best example i can give is the one of feeling fear - i did not conciously experience fear, either because it was too threatning or maybe because noone ever named it for me - Hey Helliepig, you're scared. Instead, I was shamed for being scared/terrified to the point of panic, by parents who couldn't cope/didn't want to know. So i equated the feeling which was actually scared with feeling ashamed and bad. According to my therapist a part of you prefers you to feel bad about yourself as an explanation because the altenative, feeling scared, would get too close to unveiling the real trauma, god forbid!

It was a real "aha!" moment when i identified that i was actually scared and allowed myself to feel it seperate from the shame.....( except then i was scared all the time and triggering all the time!!)
But then at least I was nearer the truth and we had the ability to work on the fear. What i noticed was that lots of things triggered the same thing - the triggers themselves can be so vague or subconcsious, sometimes they are not as relevant as WHAT is being triggered. We notice what makes us feel bad whereas we need to notice what that trigger produces in us.

So you sit with it - question the interpretation you put on the feelings, quiet your thinking brain, and just feel what your body/feelings are telling you. That's where the clues are - WHAT is being triggered, not why certain things trigger it. Once i figured that out i felt things really move forward.
I don't know if this makes sense or relates to you, but hope it helps
Hx

 

[Dalmaoma]

Hi Dalmaoma,
I'm glad you can relate - i find it so reassuring to hear on here that people are struggling with the same things I am!!!
I was thinking about your post and it made me think about something that's quite hard to put into words but i'll try and make sense because i wonder if it might help...

I realised that I used to have a lot of "feelings" all merged into one, that was so often around it felt like my "normal" state. If something triggered i was oblivious to it, just felt worse and thought, here we go again, I'm depressed/anxious/overtired or there you go, i'm pathetic, useless and lonely.

So i had it all neatly packaged in order to have some handle over it. Now those explanations developed when i was little. I believe these are called "made thoughts"- almost like a voice that tells you those things, like thoughts linked automatically to certain feelings.
With therapy, and learning to just sit and notice feelings, and experience them in my body and to QUIETEN MY EXPLANATIONS, i realised that those explanations were nothing more than a childish attempt to make sense of it all when noone else helped me - and i still believed they were true or accurate simply because they had always been there, but they were misleading.

The best example i can give is the one of feeling fear - i did not conciously experience fear, either because it was too threatning or maybe because noone ever named it for me - Hey Helliepig, you're scared. Instead, I was shamed for being scared/terrified to the point of panic, by parents who couldn't cope/didn't want to know. So i equated the feeling which was actually scared with feeling ashamed and bad. According to my therapist a part of you prefers you to feel bad about yourself as an explanation because the altenative, feeling scared, would get too close to unveiling the real trauma, god forbid!

It was a real "aha!" moment when i identified that i was actually scared and allowed myself to feel it seperate from the shame.....( except then i was scared all the time and triggering all the time!!)
But then at least I was nearer the truth and we had the ability to work on the fear. What i noticed was that lots of things triggered the same thing - the triggers themselves can be so vague or subconcsious, sometimes they are not as relevant as WHAT is being triggered. We notice what makes us feel bad whereas we need to notice what that trigger produces in us.

So you sit with it - question the interpretation you put on the feelings, quiet your thinking brain, and just feel what your body/feelings are telling you. That's where the clues are - WHAT is being triggered, not why certain things trigger it. Once i figured that out i felt things really move forward.
I don't know if this makes sense or relates to you, but hope it helps
Hx

Thanks Helliepig for your advice. I appreciate it very much. It is nice to talk things over with someone who can understand where you are coming from and have insight into things you, yourself are experiencing. I have found that those close to me have no idea what I'm encountering and aren't open to even be understanding in the slightest. My counselor wants me to participate in groups; like coping skills and meditation. Where I live there aren't any groups for PTSD (which I would greatly love to have available). I don't know if my counselor is experienced in dealing with PTSD or not. It is a free service to me and I do like her; so I don't push the issue any. I have to tell myself daily not to expect so much from myself (this early); it is difficult not to. I would like to get to a point to possibly be more aware of the triggers that affect me; so perhaps to avoid things I'm able to steer clear of (if that is possible). Do you find you're able to do so?
Dalmaoma

 

[Helliepig]

um, good question. I think the triggering lessens when you heal the underlying thing that is being triggered. I am in relatively early stage of this bit of things but that is my experience. But then something else comes up and the game of guess WTF is going on starts all over again.... !
It is hard to live your life when it's like this because I find that i'm not sure if my emotions are justified and current, or something being triggered by the here and now, and I 'm actually out of control.

But what I'm learning is when it feels that complex I am allowing myself to back off and lie low - the child in me was forced to keep going in the face of all the chaos and bewilderment but the adult can say "enough! "

In answer to your question about avoiding triggers - I guess avoiding triggers is ok as a short term strategy to get you used to being able to stand the feelings that are coming up and not being overwhelmed before you are strong enough to deal with it, but if you keep on avoiding triggers long term then you are also avoiding the pathway into healing your pain. The big neon arrow saying THIS HURTS, COME THIS WAY AND FIND OUT WHY..........
Does that make sense?

Hx

 

[Dalmaoma]

um, good question. I think the triggering lessens when you heal the underlying thing that is being triggered. I am in relatively early stage of this bit of things but that is my experience. But then something else comes up and the game of guess WTF is going on starts all over again.... !
It is hard to live your life when it's like this because I find that i'm not sure if my emotions are justified and current, or something being triggered by the here and now, and I 'm actually out of control.

But what I'm learning is when it feels that complex I am allowing myself to back off and lie low - the child in me was forced to keep going in the face of all the chaos and bewilderment but the adult can say "enough! "

In answer to your question about avoiding triggers - I guess avoiding triggers is ok as a short term strategy to get you used to being able to stand the feelings that are coming up and not being overwhelmed before you are strong enough to deal with it, but if you keep on avoiding triggers long term then you are also avoiding the pathway into healing your pain. The big neon arrow saying THIS HURTS, COME THIS WAY AND FIND OUT WHY..........
Does that make sense?

Hx

It does make sense. I realize I need to be open to various aspects. Wanting things to be as they once were and be someone I once was; may not be a reality as I'd like for it to be. I think I'm struggling with that. No quick or even simple fix even though I long to have one. In all honesty, I don't know why my outlook is this way. I mean it is a disorder with treatment but there is no cure, just as with many other illnesses. I get this mental health email news letter and noticed on the one I received today that it says in one of the articles "Can PTSD be prevented with a shot?" I haven't read the article but can't imagine there being a pill or shot of any medication that can remove the condition that exists within the brain. I'm all for lessening the symptoms and if there exists a way of doing that (in a healthy manner), I'm for it.
Dalmaoma

 

[ronin47]

Hi Dalmaom. I do think what you're describing is a manifestation of the healing process working its magic. Something similar started happening to me about a year after I started real therapy. I never used to be troubled by images of domination and sexual violence. On the contrary I sometimes found them arousing. About a year after I began real therapy, I was in a Spanish Literature class and we were watching a film. A rape scene came on, and I felt highly disturbed by it. In fact, it upset me so much that I had to briefly walk out of the classroom. Images of helplessness and violent control still cause me great distress, but I'm learning to manage those emotions better when they come up. It was difficult at first, but it was a phase I got past. I think it came with learning to recognize that the abuse I suffered as a child was not acceptable.

 

[Dalmaoma]

Hi Dalmaom. I do think what you're describing is a manifestation of the healing process working its magic. Something similar started happening to me about a year after I started real therapy. I never used to be troubled by images of domination and sexual violence. On the contrary I sometimes found them arousing. About a year after I began real therapy, I was in a Spanish Literature class and we were watching a film. A rape scene came on, and I felt highly disturbed by it. In fact, it upset me so much that I had to briefly walk out of the classroom. Images of helplessness and violent control still cause me great distress, but I'm learning to manage those emotions better when they come up. It was difficult at first, but it was a phase I got past. I think it came with learning to recognize that the abuse I suffered as a child was not acceptable.

Hi, ronin47:
Thank you for your post. When things of this nature have occurred, I have told my counselor and she says once I gain copying skills, I'll be better able to handle them. So I guess I'm heading in the right direction. My mind over-powered me on the mindfulness and muscle relaxation techniques. Once my mind gets on a quest of being taken over by stress and raw emotion; it is practically impossible to change the course. That was the reason I drank; in order to make the unstable stuff in my mind stop and to not have to feel anything. Being numb was a fantastic feeling but it was troublesome in so many other ways; ruining my relationships with family, causing me to lose my job of 9 years and losing everything else I had; my dog, apartment and new car. I got pushed out of rehabs repeatedly with no follow up appointments. My life would temporarily be back together only to have it crumble down in a matter of weeks. I know at the time I wasn't ready to face my abuse issues or the trial which had sent my in a completely downward spiral. It will be a good while before I'm ready to do any kind of mind work. I know I'm not ready for that.