General Combat Ptsd: The Game Of Excuses And Denial

[Army_Brat_88]

I've been on here for months now. Some are in great places with their sufferer, some are learning and while it's wobbly, it's progressing, and then there are some which are iffy, to say the very least - those people have come and gone. This thread goes to gf's, not spouses...

I've come to major realizations in the past few months with my ex-soldier, things which I pretended about, was in denial about, and it just came time to stop postponing the pain and address it - which isn't easy, no one likes doing it, but you just get to a point...

Rule numbers 1 through 1 million:

If these guys skip out for days at a time and you hear nothing from them, SOUND THE ALARM BELL!!! You need to question it to yourself RIGHT then and there.

If after a few days you say "oh, they are just needing their time", SOUND THE ALARM BELL. You are in the beginning stages of denial. Once you're in the denial stage you will begin to excuse every damned thing they do. This can kick start the process of making yourself truly miserable.

If you don't hear from them, they are probably boozed or drugged. Days on end? - sound the alarm bell. You can bank on it.

If you go to sleep saying "Maybe tomorrow night he'll call me" - sound the alarm bell. Chances are slim to none they will - your furthering yourself in denial.

If it's been more than a week - sound the alarm bell - you are now firmly in denial.

If you're having to excuse his actions to yourself to avoid tackling potentially painful feelings and thoughts - SOUND THE DAMNED ALARM BELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you've begun to put aside all your own happiness for someone you get nothing in return from - EVER - not even small glimpses regularly - sound the alarm bell. You are in denial about the denial now.

Now, before I depress everyone, I'm not saying your relationship needs to just be kissed goodbye, I'm saying that if you are dealing with any of these signs, you could very well be with someone who is incapable of committing to your relationship. Emotionally they are unavailable. Do you want to set aside your own happiness indefinately? (**This does NOT apply to the married ppl. Your situation is 100% different....)

All I'm saying is, before you get emotionally carried away to where your brain will begin shutting down to many signs and warnings, ask yourself what you will and won't excuse right at the beginning. You may save yourself months of needless heatache.

 

[The Albatross]

One of the saddest things... is no matter how much we love someone. Love doesn't conquer all. The person has to be accountable for their own actions and they get consequences. It is not our job to police anyone other than ourselves... they need to hit a place where there is a choice rather than become reliant on loving, and well meaning others. I call it the place where the rubber hits the road. It was the place where my husband and family stopped trying to be codependant and started enforcing boundaries... I had to step up or die, basically. I had to get to a point where I understood that I was manipulating people who loved me to enable my dis - ease, and understand autonomy. If it was gonna be... I needed to learn self reliance, and how to (still learning how to) rightly love others.

Good on you for sounding the alarm for people who love suffers... somewhere, for everyone, the rubber hits the road... and we kick in or we don't. Sad, but true.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Good on you for sounding the alarm for people who love suffers... somewhere, for everyone, the rubber hits the road... and we kick in or we don't. Sad, but true

I'm so glad you posted onto this thread Albatross. That way people can see I'm not just trying to be a downer - or making it up. To hear that from a sufferer reinforces my statements so that people don't think that they need to do more, or have to do it all by themselves. It's just not possible to carry it 24/7 and indefinately.

 

[princessx]

Fantastic post, Army_Brat. I was there just a few months ago when I was just waiting and letting him do anything to me which was a whole lot of nothing. One day I just woke up and I was like what the heck am I doing here, I come first....not him. So I rearranged my life, stepped back into my faith, read a few inspirational books, and focused only on myself. I decided if he wanted me, he'd come back into my life. Fortunately, that happened after some time but the main focus here is to not be in denial and make excuses for them. If you're suffering because of it, you need to take a step back and reanalyze the situation. Noone will watch out for your happiness other than yourself.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Yeah, I'm very concerned for the girls who will come on here with the same stories like some of us, not knowing ANYTHING about PTSD, like most of us probably did, and put themselves through days/weeks/months of absolute hell.

Some may think I'm making it up or lying, but I can't stress enough that if you really believe in your soul of souls you love that your bf military man/are meant to be together/destined/etc, you need to read this and know what you're up against, and be very clear with yourself what the limit will be.

If it's causing you a lot of heartache and pain, and you're not getting support from military man, that is because he is just not able to give it. Once you've accepted that, you have the *REAL* important decisions you need to make or come to grips with.

 

[newbie2011]

I've been seeing my military bf for 5 months now and suspected he had PTSD about 3 months ago as there were a few anger outbursts and irrational comments which were totally uncalled for and after reading up about it he has a lot of the symptoms. He was totally full on at the start of the relationship, wanted to see me all the time and I could see his insecurity and possessiveness and he used to say he felt secure when he was with me.

When we were together it's amazing but when we're apart he's a nightmare. Anyway he admitted he had PTSD last month which then put a completely different slant on things and I became more supportive, read up lots, didn't put any pressure on him and didn't take things personally and he has now started intensive therapy every week (the therapists seem to encourage him to talk about his issues). After his first therapy session he admitted he felt guilty for his behaviour to me and said he loved me etc etc.

He's been opening up about his therapy and how difficult it is for him and he's been much better but last week he was a complete nightmare again, he said he felt very angry after his therapy then something happened at work which made him even more angry then he just blanked all communication from me all weekend. When we've discussed it he says I'm putting pressure on him and he doesn't want to hurt me so let's forget the relationship then later he'll admit he doesn't want that. I'm at the stage I don't know what to do as I feel the relationship is always on his terms, it's hard work as I have to be careful what I say and sometimes I feel I'm giving and getting nothing back. If I'm being honest since he told me his diagnosis I have made excuses for him and probably been too nice and available.

He admits he didn't tell me about the PTSD earlier as he was scared I'd leave him. I understand he is emotionally unavailable and this is why he can't give but it's still hard. I love him and would like to help him but I feel it's starting to impact my health and happiness and I feel worn down so this week I've stepped back and am thinking of me and doing all the things I want to do at present. My friends and family all tell me to get out as I've done all I can and if I think logically I probably should as there's plenty more guys out there but heart and head say different things.

<Edited by Anthony: Please use paragraphs to breakup content as per rules.>

 

[OKRADLAK]

Yes, carers get into denial. That is for sure.

I have told some over and over and over how it is and THEY WILL NOT LISTEN.

You say that there is a chance you might not get better. THEY DO NOT LISTEN.

You tell them you will reject them and need so much time alone they will feel rejected. THEY DO NOT LISTEN.

You tell them you cannot connect to them. THEY WILL NOT LISTEN.

No, you CAN get better because "now I am here..." blah blah.......

No, you WILL want to be near me because I love you.

I warn carers. I show them my records. I take them to shrinks with me......If they get hurt, it's their own damn fault. Next time someone says they have PTSD or anything, and they say it's really bad, LISTEN TO THEM.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

My friends and family all tell me to get out as I've done all I can and if I think logically I probably should as there's plenty more guys out there but heart and head say different things.

You have probably done all you can - now it's up to him. Again, I'm not saying you HAVE to give up, but he needs to step up and show he's doing what he can. If you don't get that, then he's probably not ready and even though you say you will be there, I imagine he'll get vibes that you want more than he can give, which will only add to his ptsd and issues.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Yes, carers get into denial. That is for sure.
I have told some over and over and over how it is and THEY WILL NOT LISTEN.
You say that there is a chance you might not get better. THEY DO NOT LISTEN.
You tell them you will reject them and need so much time alone they will feel rejected. THEY DO NOT LISTEN.
You tell them you cannot connect to them. THEY WILL NOT LISTEN.
No, you CAN get better because "now I am here..." blah blah.......
No, you WILL want to be near me because I love you.

I warn carers. I show them my records. I take them to shrinks with me......If they get hurt, it's their own damn fault. Next time someone tells you they have PTSD or anything, and they say it's really bad, LISTEN TO THEM.

OKRADLAK - my question would be, have you found, or thought you found, someone you want to be with badly enough to make all the efforts? Perhaps you just haven't found someone that you'd do whatever it took for? That's not a bad thing, but maybe subliminally you just know that person isn't worth bringing into your world to help you with your ptsd?

But yes, as carers we have this terrible, almost irritating I'd imagine, need to believe that we are all a sufferer needs - that we've got the magic cure if they'll just let us in, which isn't the case. In our defense, from our standpoint, we'd rather push too hard than be wracked with guilt that we didn't try enough.

 

[OKRADLAK]

HI army,

Yes but I cannot afford to be emotional and make decisions based on emotion so I look at the logic. Most relationships fail. Most marriages fail. I am not stable, yet even stable people are failing in relationships.

At any rate, those who try, I do warn soundly. And guess who gets hurt when they decide that no, they can't handle it?

So I really like your post to warn people like you said, who come on and want to cure a sufferer. I think there should be more talk about how terrible it is when you can't and it is not your fault, it's not the sufferers fault, it's that PTSD is a huge monster.

 

[newbie2011]

I must admit if I'd known he had PTSD I probably wouldn't have got involved (no disrespect to sufferers but it's hard enough to maintain a new relationship as it is without one with known complications). This situation would be totally different if you were married, children etc. I had set a time limit in my head of when a decision had to be made. If I do walk away at least I know I tried everything possible and I would finish things amicably, after all it's just we're looking for different things in life

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Yes but I cannot afford to be emotional and make decisions based on emotion so I look at the logic.

w/o being a pain - but why exactly? I have to read the post that got you on this site to begin with so that I'll know more, but can you explan why?

Most relationships fail. Most marriages fail. I am not stable, yet even stable people are failing in relationships.

Do you look at it from that way in order to avoid the emotion that definately WILL come from a deeply involved relationship? It's like saying "well, THEY didn't work out, so why should *I* even bother with someone - it'll crash and burn anyway".

I know similar threads have been posted before. I posted this thread because there will be more and more combat sufferers who are going nuts for answers and solutions, but it really does apply to everyone who is fighting this from both sides.