Thank you @bethan124 and @tiredtexan for your replies, they are very helpful to read.
First, I need to put in this preface mostly for myself since it's a big issue for me: I know that you are going to believe what I say and how I feel. I may be wrong in my interpretation of things but you aren't going to discard what I say from the get-go.
Ok, I agree that he was out of line in saying that he will now withhold kindness from me. That post was right after our first conversation,where we had the fight. We spoke the next day and things were much calmer. This was the conversation where we decided to take a break and he was very kind in it. In this conversation we both agreed that I need to find a way to work through my broken lenses of the world and keep the corresponding visceral reactions in check. He explained that when I don't it makes it a lot harder for him to keep his anger in check and he doesn't not want to have an outburst at me because I am having one at him. We both know that going forward in the future, outburst will be inevitable, but how I am now, they are practically regular. Basically bi-monthly.
@tiredtexan I have actually been thinking of that technique exactly. Like, screen and rescreen what I feel, and basically sit on it and compare it with evidence of his actions. And you're right, I think, say something small related to it but not the whole unfiltered thought. Basically, try to answer my own question using what he has said and done in the past as information for the answer.
Of course, this coupled with other healing processes of mine related to my cognitive distortions.
I'm just always scared to fall back into the DV pattern of making excuses for someone's bad behavior. And I'm afraid that this filtering of impressions is similar to that.....
If nothing else, I am an overthinker so I get tangled in my own arguments a lot....
How does this sound?
First, I need to put in this preface mostly for myself since it's a big issue for me: I know that you are going to believe what I say and how I feel. I may be wrong in my interpretation of things but you aren't going to discard what I say from the get-go.
Ok, I agree that he was out of line in saying that he will now withhold kindness from me. That post was right after our first conversation,where we had the fight. We spoke the next day and things were much calmer. This was the conversation where we decided to take a break and he was very kind in it. In this conversation we both agreed that I need to find a way to work through my broken lenses of the world and keep the corresponding visceral reactions in check. He explained that when I don't it makes it a lot harder for him to keep his anger in check and he doesn't not want to have an outburst at me because I am having one at him. We both know that going forward in the future, outburst will be inevitable, but how I am now, they are practically regular. Basically bi-monthly.
@tiredtexan I have actually been thinking of that technique exactly. Like, screen and rescreen what I feel, and basically sit on it and compare it with evidence of his actions. And you're right, I think, say something small related to it but not the whole unfiltered thought. Basically, try to answer my own question using what he has said and done in the past as information for the answer.
Of course, this coupled with other healing processes of mine related to my cognitive distortions.
I'm just always scared to fall back into the DV pattern of making excuses for someone's bad behavior. And I'm afraid that this filtering of impressions is similar to that.....
If nothing else, I am an overthinker so I get tangled in my own arguments a lot....
How does this sound?
