Should i talk to my therapist about sex and my issues surrounding it?

[anonymousflower]

Back here after almost a year, WOW.
Unfortunately i still feel intense shame for this issue, as me and my therapist didn't really go too deep on the topic.
I did get exposure therapy for a bit for the fear, but it didn't reallyyy do anything much. (It was a short time)

Now things have gotten worse, sort of.
I read old dossiers from the help i received as a kid, and what i found kind of shocked me.
First off, i remembered again that my parents would often prevent me from using the bathroom. I would ask if i could go and they'd say no, but i was too scared to go against them. This led to being panicked a lot. I don't know how often this happened but i know this happened.
Then, in the dossiers, i found rules i got at some point:
-only use the bathroom every 3 hours
-only go for 5 minutes
-upstairs bathroom locked at night

Especially the last one shocked me.
I was 11 of 12 at that point, but i still went a bit more often, both because i was hyper sensitive to how my bladder felt, and because i still had the fear a bit.
What's worse, a coach AGREED with the rules.
I have been feeling weird since reading this. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my childhood really could have been "traumatic" and that i wasn't just a bad child.
I live assisted now, and my coach here knows abt the fear and the dossier, and she suggested to go back into therapy (i had to quit due to a maximum treatment time of 9 months)
But, today i again "relapsed" and engaged with the kink. Sort of.
I feel incredibly guilty and gross, and i feel like i don't deserve help anymore now.
All i wanna do is deny all the childhood stuff until it's buried deep in my memory again.
I also have to go on vacation with my parents tonight, which i absolutely do not want. I just want to stay home to prepare for my internship which I'm really scared of (because I'll be gone from home from 8 am to 6 pm, and I'll barely see the coaches)
And i wanna see my girlfriend.
Oh, yeah, i got a relationship. That's also why i wanna get rid of this kink.

So, uh yeah, lot's going on haha

 

[Freemartin]

I don’t have the bandwidth to properly communicate right now, but wanted to say this:
As a Christian (and a theologian, even ) I feel so so so sad and infuriated to hear, once again, that this religion has been used to make people ashamed of themselves. Like, wtf, christianity (and all religions, in my opinion) should be about people getting to live fuller lives, not lives dwarfed by shame and self-hatred.

So sorry you’ve been through that shite.

 

[Muttly]

This sounds so bad oml i hate myself for this... but yeah i think that turned me on.

Talking to my therapist about my sexual intersts was hard but ended up being incredibly helpful. One of the things she did, which seemed so frightening was to explore what I enjoyed and kink spaces. I was so tangled up about this and the shame was very deep, but eventually I did. It was a process and I won't say it was I didn't have some struggles on the way, but even early on there was relief to find someone I could talk to about this. What helped is she was registered as a KAP profession. KAP stands for Kink Aware Proffessional and it means they aren't going to shame you, have knowledge and are comfortable talking about things that are considered kink. I didn't know that about her until I finally got the courage to bring it up. Eventually I found an online kink community and there were some very educated, knowledge and supportive people. While there were places you could go to hangout and do sexual things, there were also places to learn about safety and places to just chat. And when I say chat, I mean chat just like everyone else does, about jobs and life and shows. These people were so incredibly normal and many were very kind. I also got to see that people have so many different kinds of sexual preferences. That more than anything else took away my shame.

But, today i again "relapsed" and engaged with the kink. Sort of.
I feel incredibly guilty and gross, and i feel like i don't deserve help anymore now.

First off, I would reframe this. "Relapse" implies you are doing something wrong. Just because society has a taboo about something, doesn't mean it's wrong. For example, for a long time, in the western societies, being left handed was considered bad. All sorts of things were done to fix left-handed people.

All i wanna do is deny all the childhood stuff until it's buried deep in my memory again.

Boy, I sure understand that. I think you will find that many of us here have had that wish.

I know I said a lot. Please feel free to ask questions. I might even be able to find you some helpful links.

ETA- Those rules you were given sound not only but unhelpful, but set up to give you shame around urination. I'm sorry that was your experience.