- Thread starter
- #13
anonymousflower
New Here
Back here after almost a year, WOW.
Unfortunately i still feel intense shame for this issue, as me and my therapist didn't really go too deep on the topic.
I did get exposure therapy for a bit for the fear, but it didn't reallyyy do anything much. (It was a short time)
Now things have gotten worse, sort of.
I read old dossiers from the help i received as a kid, and what i found kind of shocked me.
First off, i remembered again that my parents would often prevent me from using the bathroom. I would ask if i could go and they'd say no, but i was too scared to go against them. This led to being panicked a lot. I don't know how often this happened but i know this happened.
Then, in the dossiers, i found rules i got at some point:
-only use the bathroom every 3 hours
-only go for 5 minutes
-upstairs bathroom locked at night
Especially the last one shocked me.
I was 11 of 12 at that point, but i still went a bit more often, both because i was hyper sensitive to how my bladder felt, and because i still had the fear a bit.
What's worse, a coach AGREED with the rules.
I have been feeling weird since reading this. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my childhood really could have been "traumatic" and that i wasn't just a bad child.
I live assisted now, and my coach here knows abt the fear and the dossier, and she suggested to go back into therapy (i had to quit due to a maximum treatment time of 9 months)
But, today i again "relapsed" and engaged with the kink. Sort of.
I feel incredibly guilty and gross, and i feel like i don't deserve help anymore now.
All i wanna do is deny all the childhood stuff until it's buried deep in my memory again.
I also have to go on vacation with my parents tonight, which i absolutely do not want. I just want to stay home to prepare for my internship which I'm really scared of (because I'll be gone from home from 8 am to 6 pm, and I'll barely see the coaches)
And i wanna see my girlfriend.
Oh, yeah, i got a relationship. That's also why i wanna get rid of this kink.
So, uh yeah, lot's going on haha
Unfortunately i still feel intense shame for this issue, as me and my therapist didn't really go too deep on the topic.
I did get exposure therapy for a bit for the fear, but it didn't reallyyy do anything much. (It was a short time)
Now things have gotten worse, sort of.
I read old dossiers from the help i received as a kid, and what i found kind of shocked me.
First off, i remembered again that my parents would often prevent me from using the bathroom. I would ask if i could go and they'd say no, but i was too scared to go against them. This led to being panicked a lot. I don't know how often this happened but i know this happened.
Then, in the dossiers, i found rules i got at some point:
-only use the bathroom every 3 hours
-only go for 5 minutes
-upstairs bathroom locked at night
Especially the last one shocked me.
I was 11 of 12 at that point, but i still went a bit more often, both because i was hyper sensitive to how my bladder felt, and because i still had the fear a bit.
What's worse, a coach AGREED with the rules.
I have been feeling weird since reading this. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my childhood really could have been "traumatic" and that i wasn't just a bad child.
I live assisted now, and my coach here knows abt the fear and the dossier, and she suggested to go back into therapy (i had to quit due to a maximum treatment time of 9 months)
But, today i again "relapsed" and engaged with the kink. Sort of.
I feel incredibly guilty and gross, and i feel like i don't deserve help anymore now.
All i wanna do is deny all the childhood stuff until it's buried deep in my memory again.
I also have to go on vacation with my parents tonight, which i absolutely do not want. I just want to stay home to prepare for my internship which I'm really scared of (because I'll be gone from home from 8 am to 6 pm, and I'll barely see the coaches)
And i wanna see my girlfriend.
Oh, yeah, i got a relationship. That's also why i wanna get rid of this kink.
So, uh yeah, lot's going on haha
