Feeling Unwanted And Unloved

[Nighthawk]

Abandonment is so damaging. The fear of it happening again is scary beyond belief. I know that when people start getting close I get scared and sabotage the relationship. How screwy is that. If the don't leave I chase them away. This is a huge issue for me. Not so sure I will ever beat the trigger of abandonment.

 

[Sterre]

Yeah...I fully understand and relate to what you wrote.

Being rejected or abandonned now as a mature woman, warps me directly back to the little devastated girl I once was.
It's scary to experience that all over again.
But maybe, just maybe, we'll have better copingstratagies now?
Owwww, it's so complicated.

I feel so much comfort that there are people here who understand and relate to this.
Thanks for that!

 

[Sandra]

I can so relate to the Nighthawlk.

 

[Sandra]

I wanted to marry my first real love though but it didn't happen.

I haven't dated in about 30 years.

 

[Sandra]

I should say about 25 years since I dated.

And deep down I know I am very afraid of a truly committed relationship. Plus my lack of trust does not help either.

 

[Sandra]

My parents got off scott free! It is just not fair!

When I was growing up in the 50s and 60s, abuse was much more tolerated back then. If what she did to me happened in today's time she more then likely would have been put behind bars and more then likely would have had her children taken away from her. So mine also got off scott free Ms. Spock.

 

[ms spock]

The need to be unwanted

I believe I suffer the need to be unwanted. still cannot make the difference between the fact that I was rejected and abondond by my parents, and possible rejection or abandonment from other people. These feelings are still intwined.

It is difficult for me to sort these feelings out as well.

That is a post of great insight!
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I do believe I have a need to be unwanted, not because I like it or because I think it's nice and healty, but because I'm scared to the bone if I am wanted by someone.

That is where a lot of my behaviour comes from as well. I don't know what is a safe and healthy space in some cases and I don't know how to be in the safe and healthy space either.

ms spock

 

[Sandra]

I hear you on that Ms Spock about the need to be unwanted.

 

[ms spock]

I have to take risks in order to explore and empower the grownup woman inside me.
It scares me., because I dont know if its possible to overcome the believes and experiences of the littel girl inside me.
I'm scared that I will not be able to handle rejection and that I will fall back into another PTSD episode.
But if I do not take risks I will never know.

This is a lot of food for thought!
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Argghhhhhhhhhhhh

+1

*Argghhhhhhhhhhs with sterre*

 

[ms spock]

I hear you on that Ms Spock about the need to be unwanted.

It is like a safety blanket type thing. In the 70s they did experiments with Labradors (I vaguely recall the details it went some thing like this)- I so relate to the third lot of Labradors. The first group of Labradors had their cages set up so if the electric shocks were on one side they could move to the other side where the electric shocks weren't, then the second group had some predictable type of pattern of electric shocks, the third group of Labradors had no pattern, rhyme nor reason to their electric shock and gave up trying - didn't even climb out of the cage when the door was open. They were conditioned to accept that electric shocks were their lot.

I don't want to accept any more that electric shocks are my lot.
ms spock