General Tired Of Feel Unwanted

[fantomej]

I have a question. I am feeling very down on myself right now.

My name is John, I am 31, and I am a carer. My partner is 27, and she has had PTSD for the past 3 years, and this time of year is very difficult for her, but my question is this: Is it common for a carer to feel like you're giving 200% while your partner is giving little or nothing? I'm doing everything I can, from going to work, paying the bills, putting food on the table, giving her daughter a bath and putting her to bed at night, while she just sits.

When I'm at work (m-f, 8-5), it's like party central at my house, and stays like that normally until at least 1 in the morning. I try to say something, and all she says back is, if you don't like it, then leave. I feel like she's not even trying to compromise with me over anything. I even let her quit her job.

She just found out that she might have cancer and she's in a lot of pain, so I told her she didn't have to go back if she didn't want to.

I just feel really overwhelmed. Like the place would fall apart if I'm not there. I do know that carer-givers are often targets b.c we're around our partners all the time, but sometimes I even wonder if she wants me there... I feel like she does, she hasn't said anything to suggest otherwise.. I just feel like it's everything she wants to do, who cares how I feel about it.. 'you can just pack your $#^% and leave' are her exact words.

Why do I feel I'm fighting a losing battle?? Why do I feel like I'm just being used?? Why am I even having these thoughts?!?!?!!!!?

 

[lonetree]

fantomej,

I'm new to this forum also but I found just reading through some of the threads gave me a ton of insight. My wife has PTSD and has for some time although diagnosed just the beginning of this year. Your feelings are not at all unusual. Its part of the deal. There will be times of complete frustration, aggravation and isolation. Even when you tell yourself its not what she wants, its the disorder, it can be hard to just say "Oh Well".

I recommend reading some of the threads in here. If this is a relationship that you want to stay with maybe you could talk with a therapist for yourself. I assume she has one she is working with already. Its important to take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

Good Luck

 

[amethist]

Hi fantomej

It is tough being a carer and feeling like you are doing everything, "Been there, done that", and yea if does feel like you have the whole world on your shoulders. As for the thoughts of being used and fighting a loosing battle, I think most, if not all carers feel like this at times, as well as looking at just giving up and leaving. But we keep going, because we find a forum like this and see the changes that do happen, but they do have to work at it and put as much effort as they can into their own healing.

Is your wife seeing a therapist, can you go along with her and let them know just how she is at home. I did this with my husband, had no choice as he would not go on his own at first, still cant travel alone, and I still go in for the first 5 minutes just to let him know my side of things. It has made a world of difference to be able to do this. I understand this is not the answer for everyone, but it is an idea if it can be done., with your wifes permission of course.

If you carry on doing everything for her, it will not help her to move forward. The cancer issue will be causing her major stress, which will not be easy for her to cope with on top of the PTSD.

The one thing you will have to understand, is that it is not her that is pushing you away but the PTSD, trying to cope with that and be the partner she was is virtually impossible at the moment. But that is no excuse for her to leave everything to you, even if she just does more for her daughter.

Maybe it is time you set some boundaries, hard to do at first, but a must if you want to stay with her. The first one should be, that no matter how tough it gets, she treats you with the respect you deserve. Have you read the "Sticky Notes" at the top of the different section in the carers area, maybe a good idea to re read them anyway.

As Lonetree suggested, maybe find a therapist for yourself, but one who understands PTSD and the impact it has on relationships.

No one is going to give you an easy answer to any of this, over 3 years into being a carer and I am still banging my head against a brick wall at times, not as hard, but still doing it.

You have to do whats best for you at times, not giving or leaving, but setting boundaries and other things, so you can keep going.

Remember to take good care of yourself along the way.

Amethist

 

[lonetree]

It is tough being a carer and feeling like you are doing everything, "Been there, done that", and yea if does feel like you have the whole world on your shoulders. As for the thoughts of being used and fighting a loosing battle, I think most, if not all carers feel like this at times, as well as looking at just giving up and leaving. But we keep going

Well put amethist. I think this could be the start of a Carer's prayer. Humm, something to work on.:think:

 

[intothelight]

Hi Fantomej,

I am going to chime in here as a sufferer and please take what I write as just something to consider. I say this, because each person is a unique individual and symptoms of PTSD may be common, but the intensity and severity will vary.

I am a capable person, but there are times that I become overwhelmed and not able to function. If my hubby took over completely, it would increase my feelings of worthlessness. On a really "bad" day, we have an agreement of what he will take on extra and what I will do even on a minimal basis. (Believe me on days like that, even getting out of bed is a challenge.) However, it doesn't continue for any length of time and the worst case scenario was two weeks. Most of the time, I carry on my responsibilities and he does his part. Although, there have been changes. For example, I can't go into stores very well. So he does the grocery shopping and I took over the yard work.

I am not the person I used to be and I am not sure I would even want to be. There are things that I do differently now, but in no way would I want to take advantage of anyone. My husband and my children are also individuals and sometimes they have period of illness, stress or increased workload. On those occasions, I step in and step up my responsibility to help. Its a two way street, even if my capacity to assume additional responsibility is somewhat diminished.

Best thing you could do is talk to a counselor and perhaps a couples counselor. Being told to "leave" is an unacceptable response and you have a right to be treated with respect and kindness. PTSD is no excuse for bad behavior.

ITL

 

[hopelives]

Huge HUGS. Is your wife seeing a therapist?