Are Relationships Worth It?

[Burke]

Thinking about whether or not I want to be alone. 99.5% of me says YES! My head is telling me to deny the .5% even exists. Being alone feels easier and more comfortable. I have no problem socializing with friends/colleagues. It is the more personal relationships, mainly my husband, that I have issues with.

Last night, I pictured snuggling up with my husband on the couch and watching a movie and feeling good about it. It feels like the person I pictured doing that is somebody else. I can't imagine myself EVER doing that. Then, I start to question why I need that? If I don't need it, then why I am thinking about it?

I am thinking about it because I am going to come to a set of crossroads soon. One path will lead to staying in my marriage, and the other path is walking away from it. It seems like staying in my marriage is the "right" thing to do. I do not want to take that stability from my children. I think being in my marriage offers me some stability as well. I wish I could have my marriage and continue to remain emotionally detached from him.

I put quite a bit of effort into avoiding any situation that could become intimate with my husband. I feel this rage inside me every time he gets near me. It makes me sad that this is the case because he has done nothing to deserve this.

I understand this is not fair to my husband. He is a good person who has supported me. He wants a wife. I feel like I have nothing to offer him.

To all of the supporters who might be reading this - I do NOT want to feel this way! I hate feeling this way! I wish I could change it, but I don't know how. It is my issue, not my husbands. He has been very patient and he has given me the space I need to deal with my issues. I just can't make it go away.

<inserted paragraph line breaks as per what seemed to be paragraphed sentences by Nicolette>

 

[Ted Moen]

No, you can't make the old feelings go away, but you don't have to act on them even though it feels like you do. Based on what you wrote, I would say you are in a good relationship, just not participating. Participate. Our challenge is behaving appropriately in our current situation while the old feelings are raging in the background. If we are able to behave appropriately in our current situation, we get our current needs met, and when we get our current needs met we begin to feel good about ourselves and our life, and those good feelings are what gradually takes the intensity out of the old feelings. From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like anything terrible would happen to you if you cuddled up with your husband, other than you would have to ignore the old feelings raging in the background and focus on the nice feeling of cuddling with an appropriate person who you care about.

Participating in appropriate activities and relationships is what brings joy into our lives, what makes us feel good about ourselves.

Ted

 

[Burke]

I did exactly what you are saying for many years. I suppressed everything and lived a "normal" life. I can't fake it anymore. There is no "nice feeling" when I am close to him.

I am still capable of participating in appropriate activities, mainly work, but I can't deal with intimacy.

 

[Ted Moen]

That's because suppressing the feelings (stuffing them) will only make them come out even srronger the next time they are triggered. Not turning the feelings into behavior is one aspect of learning to live better with PTSD. Processing the feelings in a way that is safe and is minimally disruptive in your current situation is another aspect. In general, the feeling you have to fake it means you have some significant feelings stuffed and you block out anything that might trigger those feelings. So you feel nothing when the opportunity is there because it is not safe to because it would open the floodgate and that wouldn't be a good thing. Then when you are safely away from the opportunity you kind of long for the good feelings that might be if only you could let them but you can't because ... (enter the feeling something is wrong with me or I am defective and this is the best I can hope for or so).

In general, the safest place to open the floodgate (begin to process the intense stuffed feelings) is with a clinical psychologist that specializes in the area appropriate to your stuffed feelings. With a lot of therapeutic support, you can learn to process them yourself without letting them interfere with your current situation.

 

[Burke]

I have been seeing a therapist and I have been letting those floodgates open since May. I went to see a therapist because I realized what I had been doing was not working for me. I am slowly getting better. That is actually the first time I have said those words. A month ago, I would have told you I am not feeling better, but I am making progress toward feeling better.

The problem is ... I see no change in my inability to handle intimacy. Also, I do not long for those feelings. However, I feel terrible that I am hurting my husband.

 

[Ted Moen]

One of my ptsd symptoms is anhedonia. The ability to handle physical intimacy is ok, but the interest is not there. For myself and my wife the lack of interest in physical intimacy is not a problem. We enjoy each other's company and support, we enjoy our children and grandchildren and, for the last two weeks, our first great-grandchild. Not all symptoms are problems in all situations. :rolleyes:

Ted

 

[Burke]

Congratulations on your first great-grandchild.

It is a problem if the other person in the relationship has different needs.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Burke))) In answer to your question, 'Are relationships worth it'? IMHO, YES, absolutley, affirmative, all right, okay, sure, of course ..................

I cannot imagine my life without my H. I would not be at the stage I am without him. It is hard to believe he has stuck by me.

 

[Burke]

KP - Did you struggle with emotional detachment?

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

I have been seeing a therapist and I have been letting those floodgates open since May. I went to see a therapist because I realized what I had been doing was not working for me. I am slowly getting better. That is actually the first time I have said those words. A month ago, I would have told you I am not feeling better, but I am making progress toward feeling better.

The problem is ... I see no change in my inability to handle intimacy. Also, I do not long for those feelings. However, I feel terrible that I am hurting my husband.

Well done Burke :tup:

It's very powerful that you have said "I am slowly getting better". Please repeat it often. Positive self talk is powerful medicine (and far far better than being so hard on yourself which, I know, comes easier).

Hang on in there, it will take time but things can get better :) and it will be worth it. :tup:

 

[Ted Moen]

Thanks :)

In my twenties, with my first wife, I thought that particular symptom was a big problem. Of course when I was in my twenties they had not yet "discovered" ptsd ;). I just knew I would lose interest for months at a time, then make myself participate for a while, then lose interest for a few months. But at that time that was probably not the worst symptom I was living out. By the time I participated fully in therapy and learned to understand that symptom, it was no longer a problem anyway, so I never really had to address it. Now, it's a good thing in a way. My current wife (2nd) developed alztimers a few years ago and I need to focus on her quality of life as her symptoms worsten, along with managing my other ptsd symptoms.

But, if I thought that symptom was a problem, then the challenge would be how to address it. One of the first things I was taught in therapy was to "check it out." Discuss your perception with your husband. If it is a problem with him, discuss it with your therapist. You will need to get to the trauma(s) that are generating the symptom and work through them. I experienced layers of trauma in therapy. I would think I would be being completely open and honest with my therapist and things would seem to be getting a little better, but the symptoms remained. Early in therapy I participated in group for 3 hours 3 days a week and individual 1 hour once a week, but my individual therapist was also a group co-facilitator and anytime (frequently) I appeared to need it I got an extra individual session following group. That phase of my therapy lasted about 5 years. Therapy can take a lot of time and effort, especially if multiple trauma's are involved.

So just as I would begin to get comfortable chatting at on level, working on stuff at that level, something would pop into my consciousness and it would be like starting over almost. The something that would pop into my consciousness was the thoughts and feelings I had stuffed related to one part of one trauma or another. Basically it's like our psyche offers up the (relatively) easy stuff first, then gradually works it's way toward the harder stuff.

So anyway, my suggestion would be to check it out, see if it is a problem for your husband and you, and if it is then it's back to therapy to get to the specific thoughts and feelings that are buried and blocking you from feelings of intimacy.

Ted

 

[KP the nut]

Did you struggle with emotional detachment?

I didn't realise it at the time but as I slowly made progress, yes I did have emotional detachment. I shut my H out. I would sit and be so wrapped up in me, unable to cope with anything more than getting out of bed. I stopped talking to him, I answered questions but gave no more than the answer needed. He would hug me, tell me he loved me and I would feel nothing.

When my girls (aged 22 & 24) came home I would have 'the mask' in place, being who I was expected to be but inside I was completely numb.

With the help of a wonderful T and reading threads here, I am recovering. It felt as if a new person was emerging from the black. I now look back and see just how much I shut him out. He stuck by me, nurtured me, cared for me and eventually it worked. Once again my H has his wife back. Again are relationships worth it - yes.