Sigh.. Boyfriends And Sexting

[Selena5473]

Well, I have been back on fluoxetine for about three weeks now and they have kicked in. My symptoms are starting to get more tolerable, and my depression has been minimized. Things have been going pretty well for me. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a wonderful boyfriend who works hard everyday in law enforcement. We have never had trust issues.Ever. We aren't even friends on Facebook because there really is no point, we know what's going on in each other's lifes. I don't even bother to look at his email if he leaves it open, which is almost everyday. Well, last week he ran off and left his personal cell here, and just for kicks I decided to go through it. Imagine my suprise when I found he was having sexually explicit conversations with another woman back in his home state. I was floored. I started shaking, crying, everything! This has been going on since last January. The last text was on Oct. 21st. She asked if he had a girlfriend yet, and he said "I'm dating" she then said "I don't want to cross the line" and he said "I'm married, I do what I want for now."

Ugh! That wasn't the worst of it, they sent each other videos of them touching themselves, pictures, etc. The messages were so explicit I couldn't even believe he could talk to raunchy, it was really sad =[

I am 23 and he is 33, and he has told me several times how lucky he is to have me in his life. I have a college degree and I work really hard. I try my best to be a good girlfriend, and satisfy him emotionally and physically. Now that this has happened my flashbacks are coming back, and I am having nightmares again. I have also found myself clinging to him more, trying to be more physical with him. I don't understand why I feel like I have done something wrong, I never told him I found the texts in his phone. I don't want him to think I am always looking over his shoulder. It has been a week and I am just crumbling apart, curse you ptsd!

Sorry it's so long, I just needed to vent. I need advice =[

Selene

 

[Oberons Wife]

Oh how horrible for you.
I wish I was able to tell you what to do to make everything right, but I don't.
I'm so sorry.

 

[NIKI]

I don't think your pain has ANYTHING to do with PTSD. Any one would be hurt if their guy was acting this way.

I know I would confront him with what you found. But that's just me.

Good luck to you hon!

 

[Oberons Wife]

That might be where the ptsd comes in...I wouldn't manage to confront him as I would expect to get hit. But yes, such behaviour is incredibly hurtful.

 

[Selena5473]

yes, a big part of not confronting him has to do with my ptsd as it stems from extreme physical abuse from a previous relationship and witnessing a murder of a domestic violence victim. He would never hurt me, hit me, in fact i would be suprised if he ever yelled at me. I am feeling like i am the one that needs to work on things and its my fault he had to seek outside sexual attention. Ugh this sucks =(

 

[BigBear]

yes, a big part of not confronting him has to do with my ptsd as it stems from extreme physical abuse from a previous relationship and witnessing a murder of a domestic violence victim. He would never hurt me, hit me, in fact i would be suprised if he ever yelled at me. I am feeling like i am the one that needs to work on things and its my fault he had to seek outside sexual attention. Ugh this sucks =(

He's hell and gone over the line. I can't tell you what to do about it. I understand the trouble with confrontation!

Bear

 

[NIKI]

yes, a big part of not confronting him has to do with my ptsd as it stems from extreme physical abuse from a previous relationship and witnessing a murder of a domestic violence victim. He would never hurt me, hit me, in fact i would be suprised if he ever yelled at me. I am feeling like i am the one that needs to work on things and its my fault he had to seek outside sexual attention. Ugh this sucks =(

Sorry, for that post Selena, I don't know what you have been through. But, what he is doing to you is unexcusable. I hope you take care of yourself and your child.

~NIKI

 

[Selena5473]

Sigh, I have all these brave thoughts in my head about what I should do about it, for instance, take a picture of my belly and send it to that girl. But when it really comes down to it, I could never do something like that =[ I'm thinking about asking my therapist about it this week, maybe she has some good suggestions.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It is NOT your fault he is the type of person to cheat on you. ...and that IS cheating. He is *not* 'wonderful' enough for you.

There is something seriously wrong with him, AND the girl he is doing that with. NONE of their boundary-crossing is your fault. You did nothing to cause that. You can't control it. You can't cure it. ...but you can decide to take good care of yourself.

...and you can demand respect and accountability, though it will take time to learn to do so. Maybe he will grow up and be the wonderful guy you believe him to be, but you must not wait for that. You and your baby need support, now.

My best advice...call your T.

...and I'd ask the phone company for a transcript, copy those pics and video to a disc and store it offsite in case you ever need it for legal support, and contact your local women's help line to find out what they suggest. You deserve SO much better!

He's LUCKY that YOU are so wonderful! You could end his career by forwarding those to the media...

...or if you were the vindictic sort, you could send those to his family...or send them to her family. But you're not. You're processing this as a kindhearted person would. You deserve to be proud of yourself for who you are!

HE'S the lucky one.

If he lives with you, you might want to look into options to stay at another place for a few days if you find it's necessary.

 

[Oberons Wife]

I am writing this to show the huge variety of responses to your situation:
I find writing helps, perhaps you could write a letter to him...starting off assuming that you won't actually send it, so that gives you the possibility to be completely honest.

I actually think people can change their behaviour, and that it is very different to send emails/texts to physically leaving the house to be unfaithful, the physicality of it might make someone realise what they are doing.

I have never managed to maintain a relationship when my partner has been unfaithful, but my very good friend is still with her husband although he was unfaithfull for two years. Each couple is different. It might be that when he realises how hurt you are his compassion is triggered and his desire to protect you restored.

The problem if it was me would be the ability to actually get the words out. I would form them in my head, they would go round and round and I would remain silent. I might eventually manage to write 'I'm hurting' and attach it to the fridge. If I could get him to demand a conversation I would be able to have one.

Please prioritise yourself and your baby. You deserve to be cherished, to be held with tenderness and love.
My heart goes out to you, whatever you decide to do, we will all support you
x

 

[mamachick]

Abusive mens behavior benefit all men. It makes men who do not abuse look really good, just for not abusing. That is pretty sad. I agree that this is cheating, it is not honoring the love that he claims to have for you. You deserve much more. I also think it has nothing to do with ptsd. This happening during pregnancy Im sure is a double wammy.

I know that I would not be able to keep my knowledge a secret and pretend that things are the same. Im not very good at those things. For me, secrets have always caused the emotions to fester, which cause them to take on a power of their own. Talking about things bring it out in the open, and that requires being ready to face head on , just how serious the problem may be. Avoiding confronting it indicates there is a fear that is bigger than the problem itself. ie fear he will be mad, fear he will leave, fear ???

 

[Oberons Wife]

I can't agree with the comment that abusive behaviour benefits all men: It creates a tension between the genders whereby abuse can become expected, and the relationship fails due to the expectation. I will state my position as an essentialist feminist: I do believe there are inherent differences between the genders, but that society values the genders unequally too. Most violence in our society is perpatrated by men. If our social structures acknowledged this as maleable, we could make this phenomena less blatant. Less violence and more happiness, this applies to the men too.
And men are also the victims of violence.