Relationship When Do You Walk Away?

[JohnJohn]

My wife of 7 years and mother to our 4 year old is still reluctant to get help with her domestic violence ptsd from her first marriage. I went to counselling to understand and help as best I could, after I complicated things with my attempt to control her ptsd and negative compensating behaviors.

Well I know better now, unfortunately it just feels like she is just withdrawing more and now puts running the house entirely on my shoulders. She now wants to move out and collect her thoughts. Just sitting by while she self destructs is the last thing I want to do and I can't force her to get help. She even sees my "control" efforts as abusive reminders (triggers) to her past abuser.

Any ideas guys? I am mentally exhausted and want a life for my daughter and self. How do we get there when mamma just wants to avoid the real pain that keeps her from being a mother and wife?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am not a supporter but your post caught my eye.

I don't know how popular my response is going to be. It's all from my experiences. This is, of course, not something you have to use. Ignore it if you want. It's all JMHO.

Last year, around this time, I was in a very bad place too. My PTSD and Bipolar were out of control. I was getting worse, not better. I was hospitalized, and I was drawing away from everybody in my life. Everyone was an enemy, everyone against me. I was to overwhelmed, to out of control. I needed major space. I was hurting everyone around me, and I was aware of it. And I felt guilty and more angry for it.

So the husband and I decided to call our marriage quits. I moved to another state and got a job. At first, I was okay. But only for a very very short time. I want to say about 2 weeks. The place I was living was awful and I just focused on work instead of my health. Soon, I was out of control again. And worse then before becasue I had no stability in my life.

It was soon very apparent to me that my place was with my husband. I have been back with him for almost a year. I am taking care of my health better then I EVER have. My main focus is my health. And now I see it different. I see it as my responsibly and no one else's. I also understand my husband and marriage better. And so does he.

I hope you don't mind my view on it.

Take care of yourself too, your health is important too.

 

[JohnJohn]

Ayesha,

Thank you for your insight and words. Everyone's perspective helps illuminate the issue.

 

[Trembling]

I m not in the same situation, but somehow I am, though the reasons are different.
The only thing I dare to say is, that we, as carers have to look after ourselves. I don't do it all the time, but every time someone tells me, what happened, why are you so pale, did you loose weight.... that's the moment where I again realize that I also have to look after myself.

You have a daughter to take care of too, so there is not much energy left for yourself. We cannot force anything, and I guess that s the hardest we have to go through, especially because we want it so badly to work. I wish you good luck!

 

[BigBear]

How about positive reinforcement and natural consequences.

She has to be responsible or (IDK, committed?)

Think of it this way. You don't support someone while they walk off a cliff. They usually take you with them. When ever she's interested in something that isn't negative, support her. If she's got to go over that cliff, then she's got to do it by her self.

Bear

 

[AngelaMarie]

Sometimes it gets much worse before it gets better. I have been physically abused also by my ex-husband. I was even put in the hospital. For me the memories come and go. I do know that when I started getting the flashbacks I did withdraw because it hurt so bad to remember and know that someone did that to me. Worse than that was that I felt responsible and should have been able to control the situation better?!

Every situation is different. I wish you the best!! Hang in there for you and the wife. Nothing ever stays the same. Sounds like she might be depressed??

 

[Navy Spouse]

I wish I had some good advice for you. I havn't been posting on a regular bases in quite sometime but your title drew me to your post and your words "she now wants to move out and collect her thoughts" put up a red flag.

My husband came back from Afgan. 7 months ago with combat PTSD and said "he needed to move out while going through counseling because we shouldn't have to be around him the way he is." He moved out over 6 months ago. I felt I was doing the right thing at the time but this many months later, I feel like I lost him when he walked out the door.

He's been in counseling and I've seen improvements but I think he's become comfortable with the situation. I have not become comfortable with it. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm angry and resentful that he's not here and he's missing so much of his girls growing up. He says he still has just as many bad days as good. So while he trys to get at a point where he has more good days then bad I feel less and less married. (We're coming up on 18 years)

We're suppose to see a marriage counselor for the first time tomorrow. Sounds like me need it huh? I wish we could have seen someone months ago but we were given the run around by the VA for along time and once we got an appointment it was cancelled or moved back 4 times. So frustrating.

I have heard stories like Ayesha's in the past. I guess it works both ways. Good luck to you.

 

[BigBear]

For me the memories come and go.

And memories aren't where it stops. Last week my wife had body memories of gagging on blood. Her body was completely responding to something that happened many years ago as if it were happening today. Full gag response and everything! When things get flushed out, there is no controlling them! She (your wife) really does need the help, but it absolutely has to come on her terms! That is terribly critical to remember.

Additionally, you have to understand that you may not even know her like you think you do! My wife and I were married for 14 years before she was diagnosed with PTSD. Over that time she always communicated almost everything that she knew about herself... Over the last year, every few days, some new memory box gets opened for the first time and I have to re-evaluate what I thought I knew.

The only thing that I never have to re-evaluate is that she's the woman that I love and that she is a good person!

HTH,

Bear