Relationship With Beloved Child Who Condones Abuser

[Gloria]

You might enjoy a book called "Don't Shoot the Dog!" which is about the animal training and husbandry that you already know and do so well.

Didn't read it but can imagine. I can't tell you how many times I rolled my eyes when someone would tell me what a terrible dog, child or horse they have to deal with!!
Big Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Gloria]

Update: My son digressed and asked me "What do I have to worry about you doing tonight when I'm not home". Well, I never asked him "Nick, now what kind of car are you going out and steal tonight?" or "When you go out tonight, what kind of trouble are you planning on getting into?" So when my son asked that I told him that I was going drink until I was totally ripped, then have unprotected sex with every lowlife man that I could find, and possibly get on a plane to Los Vegas and marry one of them, then I am going to tear the house a part but......after all that I am watching my Netflix movie and going to bed early.

My son has made great progress. His father is very anxious. He's as skinny as you can be and it's because he's always like a nervous wreck and thinking the worst possible thing is going to happen. Nick picked up on that but he's talked to people and has become aware that he is very anxious. So now Nick doesn't call me five or six times a night and ask if the stove is turned off. He's happier. I'm happier. He knew that we were having a blizzard and asked if he needed to come home. I told him absolutely not that I could handle it so he stayed in Chicago with his fiance. He's doing this more often so that he spends the night at her house almost all the time and I like that!!! A lot!! So change is hard and meets a lot of resistance but sometimes change is necessary and you have to go through the pain of changing in order to grow. It certainly was painful for both my son and I.

 

[Gloria]

I was told that I offended the average horse person with the information with my reaction to the ear pulling. I don't want to offend people for not being as knowledgable about horses as I am. I have had a passion for animal training since I was a little girl and from using the dog whisperer dvd, I realize that animals really do respond to positive re-inforcement rather than negative. But I did spend about $50,000 and five years of my life rescuing horse with behavioral problems. I know too many professional trainers who use methods that I find repulsive. But I fired the farrier that pulled my Rosie's ear ten years ago and she's still head shy. This type of treatment is repulsive to me and I have to admit that I am so glad that I don't have my horses at the stable any longer because I don't have to see people mistreating their horse. They have no idea how a bit causes terrible pain in the poll (area behind the ear - very sensitive) and how even riding a horse and bouncing in the saddle causes a horse pain. I can still remember the horsey people at the stables who sat around and smoke cigarettes (in the barn!!) and complained about their horses. But that's in my past and I try so hard not to think of people or animals suffering.

I'm just so grateful for my sons and my farm and my horses. My sons and I have resolved all of our problems. My oldest son is getting treatment (Yeah!) and my youngest son talked to his father and knows the truth now. I am lucky because I don't think the outcome is happy when you have these confrontations.

How can I be so lucky? I attached of my sons and I on a cruise in Jamaica. Sometimes I feel so blessed. I find that you actually get closer to the people that really love you when you open up and there is a conflict. The people who don't give a hoot will just tell you that you are just causing problems. I know with friends it's happened many times. And when I confronted my half-brother about molesting me, he had the golden opportunity to make amends but instead banned me from the family and called me a liar (and a trouble maker). But I guess I broke the dysfunctional pattern because my sons and I speak our minds all the time! I just have to not look back and look forward.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Good heavens, your son on the right looks like a younger Richard Thomas!

 

[The Albatross]

Lovely family photo... thank you for sharing. :tup:

 

[unalaa]

Gloria -
Thank you for bringing your situation into the light. It hits home for me as I too have sons who relate to their father who is/was less than adequate. More on that later. :)

 

[ms spock]

What a lovely photograph!

 

[Gloria]

I still have a dilemna about what is going to happen when my son gets married. I know it will be his day and he wants me to be there and get along with my ex but I would rather die. I was supposed to write a letter to his father. I am doing that today. At least I waited a long time to calm down to write him but I am simply going to state the things that my ex did and tell that he must make amends to my sons. My sons suffered because of his not paying child support and his verbal abuse.

 

[ms spock]

I still have a dilemna about what is going to happen when my son gets married.

He raped you? I know it was awhile ago but as you typed earlier you couldn't press charges then. You might press charges now. That is appropriate. And you might save some other poor woman from having your horrific experiences. Everyone knew that my grandfather wasn't good with little girls but he also raped one of my aunts as well. No one warned her that he did this. Going to social events with people who commit crimes like that is not appropriate. You absence will be noted and I hope get anyone being victimised by him at this time will stand up or disclose.

You don't know what he is doing with other women and/or children.

No one would ever expect a woman brutally raped by a stranger to sit down and have a meal with them. That is total crazy making insanity.

It might be in the past for someone else like your son. Well it is not in the past for you or me. And by condoning their presence - people assume what we said was not true and it gives those type of men more access to more woman and children. (Because it couldn't have been so bad if she will be in the same room type of thinking.) This I have seen repeatedly in the last 26 years.

 

[ms spock]

Maybe you can go for one part and he goes to another part of the day?

 

[Gloria]

Point well taken, Ms. Spock. Ever since I joined this site, I have decided that I will confront my demons head on. I need to write my ex and confront him. I just had 3 teeth pulled and we had a blizzard so I'm not going anywhere or doing anything for the next few days. This is probably a good time.

When I worked for large corporations, it was mandatory to attend these parties to celebrate a good quarter or what not, especially if I was being recognised but I detest with all my being being around people that are drunk. So in the case of my son's marriage, they will be married in a Lutheran church because I sent my son to Lutheran schools and his future wife went to Lutheran schools all her life as well. I'm much more spiritual. I think it will be one of the happiest moments in my life to see my son at the alter. I can go to the dinner but ask that my ex not go to the dinner but come later when everyone is drunk. And they will be drunk!

I'm not very coherent this morning - not terrible - but I took a painkiller narcotic last night. The teeth extraction pain is the worst right after the local wears off. I better wait until the effects are out of my system before I write the letter or better yet, wait until Tuesday when I talk to my T and have her read it.

Hugs,
Gloria

 

[ms spock]

I hope that you feel better soon Gloria.

My suggestions might or might not be helpful. You have to tailor it to your needs and situation.

I think you are very generous to be willing to negotiate around this. As I have said before and will say many times again. No person in their right mind would ask some woman (or man) who was brutally raped and sodomized by a stranger to have any social interaction with them at all.

I don't get it! So if we know our rapists it somehow is not so bad? So we just have to put up and shut up and be abused and retraumatised again?

Crazy talk, say I Crazy TALK!