Relationship With Beloved Child Who Condones Abuser

[Gloria]

I need to share this. I got three teeth pulled. The reason I got my teeth pulled because I had an "incident" with my oldest son who has PTSD and is a disabled Army veteran. I just walked up to him and reminded him of an agreement we had. Without any warning, he picked me up (with one hand mind you) and threw me down and then picked me up (with one hand) and threw me again. My upper teeth hit my lip and cut it badly but my jaw hit together so hard that my teeth were cracked and broken and it was like a bad dream and for a week, I kept spitting out teeth. So I went to a dentist because I had 7 broken teeth and he said crowns and each crown would cost $2,000 so I said pull them. Now I cannot chew on either side because I have no molars. I still look fine because my front teeth hit my lip (Thank God for an over-bite).

Anyway on the day that it happened, immediately after my son had this miraculous recovery and surge of strength (He couldn't lift the garbage bag - 20 lbs. but managed to pick up his mom of 120 lbs. and throw her with one hand). Well, it was a PTSD reaction and I knew it. He had just woken up and immediately after he did it, he fell to the ground sobbing and saying he was sorry. My son is not violent. We called an ambulance. Now this really pisses me off. After this incident, he has become completely crippled and is in a wheel chair so I'm taking care of him when I need to be very careful about not breaking the scab in my mouth because I would have exposed bone.

So, this is what I think is going on. Okay, I am really coming to understand abandonment issues. Why do people still stay in contact with their abusive partners and parents and unable to leave them. Well, I'm coming to understand the tremendous primal need that we have that we must belong to our family or we will die. It is inherant in all of us and has been genetically passed down since the caveman. One child or person alone would not survive and we will do anything to have that feeling of fitting in. I have seen this also in gang members and people who belong to cults. These people identify with their "group" and without this family or group, they cannot survive. That's why people don't leave their abusive spouses, parents, etc.

Well, there is also something that I know from my psychological training. Children (especially boys) who are sexually abused by another male often grow up to be abusers themselves? Why? Biologically we are programmed to identify with the stronger or dominant personalities. If we identify and and modeled our behavior after the weaker specimins, we would not survive - another socio-biological mechanism gone wrong.

The long and short of it is that my sons NEVER acted out in any way when their abusive father took them for visitation. They ate things they wouldn't eat for me, never complained, never talked back, never spoke up or complained. I didn't understand it at the time but I had my sons in therapy and the therapist explained that they were desperate to gain their father's approval since he basicly rejected them and abandoned them by not visiting, forgetting their birthdays, etc. So my sons were so afraid of rejection from their father that they did not express themselves at all. With me??? Complain, whine, talk back and tell me how they really felt. Why? Because they were safe with me. My sons knew that nothing that they ever did could ever make me stop loving them.

So yesterday when I wrote the letter to the ex, I made a list (31 items to be exact) of all the crappy things he did to make my life miserable. My deceased husband and I used to dread when my sons would come home after a few hours with their dad because we would have to listen to how stupid we were and what terrible parents we were and how their dad was great and how we were screwing them up. My husband was such a sweet and gentle man but he was so angry when they would come home and he really hated my ex. But we were good parents and we couldn't engage in this activity because it would put our sons in the middle so we were very gentle and understanding.

My ex was such a p***k! He had medical coverage for my son who had asthma. I had to pay the emergency room bill every time (and my son was in three times a week) but my ex would not give me a medical card for my son so he would file the insurance claim. Then he never gave me the money back so he was making money on my son's illness. That SOB! That's just one example.

Now my sons are adults and they don't believe me that they were brainwashed by their father growing up to think that I am the weak one, the liar, the bad parent. No, they act like their father and roll their eyes and act very rude to me. UNTIL, I talk to them and rationalize with them.

You know what the sad part is? I already saw one of my sons sneering and talking very snotty and abusive to a girl that loved him but broke up with him because he would get into his "moods". I try to explain to my son that he needs to get some counseling. Now, he's a saint 90% of the time but when I do anything stupid, he will tear me to pieces verbally. I remember that I read all these books (because I was told that I had to learn how to be a parent because my parents just kept me in a basement and didn't parent me) so I read books on how to build self esteem in your child. Every year, I took the class offered by the school on effective parenting. Anyone who knows me, knows that if someone screams at me or insults me, I do the Seven Habits of Covey thing. I seek first to understand and then be understood. I will stand there and instead of reacting, I listen and ask questions and make that person understand that I understand what they are saying and ask what we could do to change the situation. Well, this is how I raised my sons and I sacrificed and it's just another "It's just not fair" in life thing. I was the good parent and now my sons get abusive to me.

I'm seeing my therapist on Tuesday to discuss this but in the meantime, my sons are calm and respectful again but only because I have such great interpersonal skills and training. I'm getting tired of it. I get discouraged. I feel unloved. I want to die sometimes when they tell me what a terrible mother I was and how I ruined their lives.

 

[Gloria]

Writing this down has helped me. I got three teeth pulled on Thursday and yesterday I was still in pain when I looked inside my mouth, it looked infected so I called my dentist. My son was listening to me talk to my dentist and when I hung up, he did the "Vinnie thing" (my ex). He yelled at me and told me that I stuttered and sounded nervous and that I was stupid because when I told the doctor I was in pain, he told me that it was because I had three teeth pulled and I said "Oh, okay than this is normal and I don't have to go to emergency room and I'm sorry to call you at home". My son just ranted on and on about what I should have said. This really pisses me off. Sometimes I get triggered and act nervous and stutter and he mocks me. He will stutter and mimic my body language. I just tell him very calmly that I have been his mother for 28 years and all those 28 years, I have had PTSD and I have been doing this so get over it and leave me alone because it makes me stutter and get nervous when someone is yelling at me.

I feel like a failure. I listen to Celine Dion's song "New Day" where she sings about her newborn child and what a miracle and what a joy. I sing that song all the time when I'm feeling sad and when I'm riding my horse. I love my sons so much and I feel like all the hard work I didn't do a good job as a mother because they don't treat me well. I didn't teach them to respect me or their genetics or the early childhood brainwashing just ruined it. Maybe it's just the pain in my mouth.

 

[mamachick]

Gloria, I hear so much of myself in your words. Always calm and rational, taking the calm approach with irrational people. I remember talking with my teen daughter when she was wanting her way and pleading her case and talking over me, and telling her that I will talk to her when she can speak in the same volume as I . Oh she hated that, but would come back in 10 minutes more reasonable.

You were and are a good parent. You do not need to prove that. Personally, I am betting your kids say such things because they know that making such claims are the things that would hurt you the worst. I came from abuse and neglect. Therefore, my daughter would say how hurt she was that I didnt attend all her soccer games. Then she grew up and told me the truth. She didnt care, her dad was there, and she knew someone had to care for her little sister. She just said it to be a snot. To manipulate. To try me.

We go into parenting, learning and doing everything that is good for our kids. We are very invested. For lack of a better way to say it, we get our good feelings about ourself for being a model parent. It is high on our list of priorities. Things are good when the kids are little. I bet you were home room mom, creative with the kids, had them in activities-everything from scouts and sports to art and music. Exposed them and helped them find their talent. Very conscientious and involved parenting. Other parents respected you, admired you, and commented on your patience. Your kids were like best friends and there was a very close relationship. Then adolescents comes. Things change.

I may be way off Gloria, and I know you will say so if I am. I just identify with so much of what you say. My girls did not have any abuse from anyone, yet my daughter shoved me into the frig when she was about 17. When I busted her for something, she called me psycho, would get on the phone with friends and say bad things, etc. I remained rational and used a lot of humor to get through. But on the inside, I was dying. After years of this, I had a head trauma. After weeks of sleep deprivation, I lost my ration, couldnt find much humor, and the dying that had been going on inside became difficult to hide.

I dont have the answers but I do think there comes a time for them to just get out there and make it on their own. How they talk to others is not our problem any longer. They are adults. It is their job how to figure out how to treat us and less than well, is not acceptable. You deserve so much better from your children Gloria. I also have been treated poorly and know the heartache. Sometimes I have felt like a hostage, as though I have to be what they expect-and I am not anymore.

 

[mamachick]

Ms Spock and Gloria-on the topic of prosecuting former husband and rapist.
About the third year of marraige, I was raped by my husband. That has been over thirty years ago. After divorce, around 1983 or so, I heard a news report on the radio that said it was the first in history, prosecution of rape by a husband. In the past, there was no such thing. I remember being in the car when hearing this and feeling tears in my eyes to the point of having to pull over. I was so glad to hear it.

For myself, I would never want to do that. I do not think he is a serial rapist, I do think that he saw his wife as his property and he was entitled to it. My guess is he would not rape a stranger, possibly a date, and that is up to them to prosecute. However, he has been with the same woman for many years now. While it may be the answer for some, personally I would not want to go there. I am free from this man now.

Im not even sure how one would go about proving something such as this so many years later. I think it would be a he said vs she said. At best, a 50 % chance of winning. They have to live with what they did. Only he, me and God know the truth. I think the better investment is in ourselves, in healing and recovery.

 

[Gloria]

Dear Brat,
Your post helped me so much. Your description as a mother when my sons were young made me laugh. I was the perfect mother, sent them to Christian schools, exposed them to every kind of culture. I took the little guys to plays and we discussed them afterward. I exposed them to cultural events and doing charity work. I invested everything in them.

You are right, I could never see my ex raping anyone else. It's in the past.

I spent the entire day with my son because he was upset that we hadn't been getting along and he really tried to talk to me. When he would act out after being with my ex, I don't think it was his anger for me. My ex was verbally abusive and would call my son "fat ass" ,"idiot" and other abusive names. I think that just took it out on me and my husband because we were safe.

My youngest son has been a pain the last few weeks but he also won't talk about his problems. He turned down a very presitigious job (I deduce because he refused to tell me) because it was a very large and famous organization and the guy he would work for was just a big jerk. I just mentioned to my son that I had no choice being a single mother working at presitigious firms like Merrill Lynch, etc. but the politics in corporate America are horrible. I would get stuck working for the biggest a**holes for years and my life was miserable during those times. I hated getting up and going to work but there was nothing I could do.

I praised my son for seeing that in advance and refusing the position. After that, his whole attitude changed. I guess he is very angry. He graduated with a 3.9 grade average but because of the economy, he has not found a job in his field so he's a waiter at a nice Italian restaurant for five years. He makes good money but he feels like a failure and he wants a regular job because he doesn't want to ask his girlfriend to marry him until he has a good job. I'm telling you the economy here is still not good. My friends have master's degree, and have taken jobs at entry level positions (so the college grads are beat out by people with more experience and education). I've heard most law students that pass the bar can't even find a job. I have friends who used to be lawyers but because they made most of their money on home closings and divorce but because of the economy, no one is selling, buying or getting divorced. I can't tell you how many couples that have been separated the last three years or living together in separate rooms just because they can't afford a divorce or to move out. So one thing that i do remember from my training in psychology. Woman get emotional and cry when they are depressed while men display their depression more as anger and irritability and isolating. That's what my son is doing.

During our day, I asked my son if I was a good mother, good cook, etc. and he was pretty negative - the stinker!. But he was also doing racial slurs and didn't like my horses running because they were dangerous and wouldn't touch my chicken. So in general, he was acting like a cranky 70 year old man because he is not feeling very happy.

Life is tough. Your daughter's violence I think is because they might have seen your ex abuse you and somewhere they think it's okay to push mom around. You and I are so alike. I hope to meet you someday.

Thanks Ms Spock also for your input!
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[mamachick]

Thanks Gloria for your response. Wow, I can relate.
I was married in 1975 to an addict and abuser, but divorced in 1982.
I remarried in 86 and have two daughters from this marraige.

We rarely even argued. Husband was huge avoider of any conflict.
So my 2 daughters never witnessed any abuse, were never abused themselves, and knew little or nothing of my past.

Yet as a teen, one daughter was passive but latched on to first bf and married him, is very dependent but does have a auditory processing disorder that interferes with some learning and socialization.

The oldest is an over achiever and the one that has displayed horrible anger and control issues., and even pushed me. A bit puzzling. I am so anti violence and have always been intolerant of it in my home even between siblings. It was almost as if she wanted to punish me during those years.

Maybe because I did not respond to her words and refuses to let her think it effected me (though it did), the next step was physical.

 

[intothelight]

After raising four children and living for thirty years under the reality and threats of daily domestic violence, what I am going to write here may not be popular or particularly pleasing.

1. Physical violence against another person is UNACCEPTABLE, unless it is self-defense.
2. All members of a family are expected to be treated with kindness, love, and respect even if there opinions do not agree with yours. Insults, (direct and indirect), derogatory comments, disrespect, rudeness, belittlement are UNACCEPTABLE behaviors and SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE HOME!

To break the cycle, you have to BREAK it! It starts with YOU personally and not allowing yourself to be treated less than a decent human being deserves to be treated. Most of us would not tolerate that type of behavior from a stranger and in fact most of us would press charges. Why do you think we should allow our family to treat us that way? By allowing and excusing inappropriate behavior, YOU ENABLE the abuse to continue.

WE all have the right to live safe, healthy, happy and peaceful lives. That is a RIGHT and no one has the RIGHT to take that from us. But you have to find that in yourself and stand up for you RIGHT. There is an age of accountability and each person is responsible for their own actions.

You CANNOT fix someone else. At some point, each person is responsible for themselves and their own actions. There is no replay in life, and excuses wear thin after while as that is all their are. Excuses are impediments for making real change.

If you assaulted by a family member, press charges!!!! It is illegal! Nothing will stop until it is stopped. That is why my son does not live with me and I threw him out at 21. I was not going to allow another person to hurt me any more. Substance abuse, violence, and unacceptable behaviors have to be addressed and eliminated before healing occurs. There is no possibility of healing until accountability and responsibility for one's own actions are taken to heart. YOU can't do it for them. The HAVE TO DO IT FOR THEMSELVES!!

I am sorry if this is harsh, but to allow abuse to continue, especially when one is aware is contributing to the cycle. The cycle will not break until one is brave enough to stand up and do it. The PRICE is high, but the cycle MUST BE BROKEN!!!

Don't ever think I wouldn't lower the boom on my daughters if they physically engaged me. They'd be in the back of a cop car faster than they could blink an eye. And don't roll your eyes at me, its disrespectful and I don't treat you that way and you have NO RIGHT to treat me that way!!!

Set your goals high, set your behavior expectations where they should be and enforce the rules in your own home. Keep them simple and don't get lost in the petty things. But raising a decent human being and helping a child recover and learn self-worth, self-confidence, responsibility, compassion, and that they deserve the best in life is the most rewarding experience. Healing does happen.

Start with yourself, let yourself heal! Be the example! I cannot undo what is done, only work towards a better future and pray that each of my children find a journey that is faster to healing than the one I experienced. But it is their journey, and I can only provide the example, and the encouragement along the way. That is my job as a parent. It is theirs to grow wings, fly and soar!

 

[Gloria]

Dear Deb,
Spent almost an hour writing a response and lost it. I have to run now but will get back to you. But in summary, you only know part of my situation. Writing my response to you was very therapeutic for me because I do know what you are saying. I went to great length telling you the details behind this thread and lost it all and now have to run to appointment and feel terrible that I am not replying to my friend's messages. But I do have much respect and wanted to respectfully state my opinion... Darn computers!!
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Gloria]

Just spent a good half hour responding again and lost it so I am just going to have to be very brief. I was so triggered by writing about why I didn't trust the police in my area that I had nightmares and flashbacks for the first time in months.

Deb,
I will briefly explain. I am making it very short because I am tired of responding for the third time only to lose my post. I just lost another long post and I feel very strongly that I need to respond.

I think your are implying that I am living in a house where we don't respect one another. I will tell you that there is still hanging in my kitchen rules that have been in my house for over 20 years.

• Always respect one another. No one's needs are more important than any other.
• Always say you are sorry immediately if you say or do something to hurt some one else.
• Seek first to understand then to be understood.
• The words I can't, I won't, You always, You never are not allowed. Please refraise with I statements
• There are others but we follow these rules.

You don't know me many things about my family and me. My oldest son is a disabled veteran. The physical incident happened one morning when I came up behind him in the kitchen and he had just woken up. It was a knee jerk reaction. He reacted with more energy and strength than I have ever seen and then immediately fell to the ground. My son has PTSD big time from a very the life. My little brother committed suicide in front of him. My son thought of him as a father and after my brother's suicide my son went from the most outgoing child to a very depressed and withdrawn little boy. Then the Army.... where he was injured and has a very, very painful condition called Sympathetic Nerve Dystrophy. The bones in his legs are atrophied. I don't even feel that I need to discuss his condition any further but just suffice to say my is dealing with some major problems.

I thought about calling the police when he attacked me but he fell to the ground and kept saying "I'm sorry Mom. I'm so sorry" immediately after he threw me against the counter. I realized that my son was in unbearable pain and instead of calling the police, I called an ambulance. But I did make it very clear to my son in the emergency room that he must get some counseling. He promised and he kept his promise. He is seeing a counselor now. I didn't write that in my thread but had you contacted I would have given you this background.

Last night, I cooked him a big dinner. He is 6'5" and probably 150 lbs.(very thin) He knew that I can't eat any solid foods for 8 weeks and I didn't have to cook for him and he thanked me many times and I hugged him and kissed him. I thought about what you said about calling the police on him and I thank God that I am who I am and I didn't call the police and he was here with me. Because if the police did to him the things that he did to me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Also, maybe it's only this county but if there is domestic violence charges against someone, they are banned for 5-10 years from living with the person they assaulted. Well, wouldn't that be wonderful? My son would have joined the thousands of disabled and crippled veterans living in shelters or on the street because the government would tell ME who I can have living in my house and who can't live in my house? That's another reason I could not call. After seeing what they legally could do to the victim of police brutality in the court system, I despise our government and believe it to be corrupt.

When my son was in the Army, we tried to get him in with a specialist but couldn't. Had there not been so much bureaucracy and red tape, my son would not be crippled. I don't put my life and my children's future in the hands of a government that I find useless.

The police here are corrupt. They were not corrupt in an affluent suburb of Chicago where I used to live and believe it or not, i called the police on my son once. But out here in the boonies, the police do drugs and are real jerks (we call them white trash). I saw several of them dealing confiscated drugs at a party a few years back. They are someone to respect? I read about innocent people getting beat up all the time. I came to this PTSD site because I was completely traumatized after being beat up by three police officers (never charged with anything and had a seizure and they let me lay on a cement floor in my vomit and refused me any medical care). I couldn't allow my son to go through what I went through.

I think I am working on myself because not only on this forum but I am in therapy and going to support groups. I don't like that you wrote I'm happy with my choices. Everyone has their choices. You made your choices and if you chose to call the police on your son, then good for you. If you choose not to communicate, that's your choice. I make my choices and I don't think anyone has the right to criticize my choices UNLESS they were my close friend and UNLESS they knew me well. Then I would listen. I am on. I don't really take advice from people that I don't know. Sorry. Neither of my sons drink or do drugs, gamble or are promiscuous. They pay their board on time every month and do anything they can to help out. My sons always say I love you to me when they call to check on me on the phone (too often I might add).

I will admit something. I have a 14 year old dog who is deaf. I was in a lot of pain about a month ago and in her entire life she has been pampered and loved since she was a pup. But she's deaf and she wouldn't stop barking and I kicked her. Yes, I immediately deeply regetted it but I did. I kicked her for the first time in her life. Does this mean that I should not be allowed to keep my dog? Things happen. Should someone have called the police on me? Missy is sitting next to me and I laugh. I told Missy that if I ever kicked her again that she should call the police and she licked my face. That's forgiveness and I have learned to forgive my abusers. I give forgiveness to my sons.

You would call the police, I would try to understand my child. I have done everything to build their self respect, self esteem and character and if you ever met them or knew anything about my sons, you would see the love in my family and their wonderful qualities. I was venting about my son's rudeness but I finally got to the bottom of it when we spent the day together on Sunday. My son was depressed and irritable because he thought he made a wrong career decision. He turned down a very prestigious job because his future boss was an a total jerk and he was beating himself up about it. That is why he had been so very irritable. It was a big decision and he thought he ruined his entire life. Not an excuse but men tend to display depression by being irritable while women cry. I assured him that I felt that he made the most absolutely correct decision and his face changed and he became a different person. His depression lifted as i explained how I had too many miserable years working for jerks but because I was a single mother was not able to leave jobs and I was so glad that he saw the situation and avoided it. I commended him on being very practical and realizing life is too short to work for a jerk! He had such a big grin and his whole attitude is back to the normal self.

So again, Covey "Seek first to understand and then be understood".

So to sum it up, even if my son has another break down, I won't call the police. My sons and I tell each other off all the time. We are very communicative. So I'm not just taking abuse and I am working on myself. I really regret that you felt it necessary to be very harsh to me in this thread and not contact in private if you wanted to offer advice. Because of this, I felt that I needed to defend my position and my children. I feel good even though it triggered me to discuss my police assault, it's all good. I'm tough and I can handle it. I will repeat for upteenth time, please e-mail me or call me. I like you and want to be your friend.

Very respectfully,
Gloria

 

[intothelight]

To All Who Read My Posts:

My posts are my own opinion based upon my own experience. No where did I mention anyone in particular nor did I mention anyone's personal situation.

I will never contact a member in regard to their personal life as that is their business not mine. This is an open Forum and I express my opinions freely, and it is an individual's responsibility to read them objectively.

To personalize something is a common distortion associated with PTSD. That is why the Forum is an excellent venue to practice reading, re-reading and then re-evaluating. It is a great tool to for practicing what we all work on in therapy.

Now, to close....read again those who felt this was personal and then think long and hard where the "personal" was coming from. Like I said, it is my opinion based upon my personal experience and I will not retract or change my mind.

Personal violence has NO PLACE in my life and it never will again!! I will never justify, excuse or enable it, because to do so would be a complete LIE for me and I lived that LIE far too long. That LIE hurt my family and caused damage beyond measure. That is MY TRUTH.

That is the MY TRUTH, but it may not be yours and each of us is an individual entitled to our own opinions whether we agree or not. But please refrain from reading what is NOT there.

 

[ms spock]

I need to share this. I got three teeth pulled. The reason I got my teeth pulled because I had an "incident" with my oldest son who has PTSD and is a disabled Army veteran. I just walked up to him and reminded him of an agreement we had. Without any warning, he picked me up (with one hand mind you) and threw me down and then picked me up (with one hand) and threw me again. My upper teeth hit my lip and cut it badly but my jaw hit together so hard that my teeth were cracked and broken and it was like a bad dream and for a week, I kept spitting out teeth. So I went to a dentist because I had 7 broken teeth and he said crowns and each crown would cost $2,000 so I said pull them. Now I cannot chew on either side because I have no molars. I still look fine because my front teeth hit my lip (Thank God for an over-bite).

*lays head on table and weeps*

Ms Spock and Gloria-on the topic of prosecuting former husband and rapist.

For myself, I would never want to do that. I do not think he is a serial rapist, I do think that he saw his wife as his property and he was entitled to it. My guess is he would not rape a stranger, possibly a date, and that is up to them to prosecute... While it may be the answer for some, personally I would not want to go there. I am free from this man now.

Im not even sure how one would go about proving something such as this so many years later. I think it would be a he said vs she said. At best, a 50 % chance of winning. They have to live with what they did. Only he, me and God know the truth. I think the better investment is in ourselves, in healing and recovery.

You start out with making a statement to the police. If they feel there is a case they proceed. One of my friends got a conviction twenty years after the incident.

I respect that the legal process is not for you.

I do feel a tad sad at your 'It is up to them to report their rape by him, though you "guess" he wouldn't rape anyone else.' I felt like crying when I read that.

Thanks Gloria for your response. Wow, I can relate.
I was married in 1975 to an addict and abuse
We rarely even argued. Husband was huge avoider of any conflict.
So my 2 daughters never witnessed any abuse, were never abused themselves, and knew little or nothing of my past.

Emotional abuse is harder to define and recover from and it is path of the course when living with an addict. Even with simple things like you are focused on the addict's behaviours and dramas so you are emotionally absent for you children. The very nature of addiction means their father was emotionally absent for his daughters. Neglect and abandonment are forms of child abuse.

Not having had approrpriate parenting yourself means you passed down elements of you own abusive childhood because if you didn't get it you don't have it to give.

Anyway on the day that it happened, immediately after my son had this miraculous recovery and surge of strength (He couldn't lift the garbage bag - 20 lbs. but managed to pick up his mom of 120 lbs. and throw her with one hand). Well, it was a PTSD reaction and I knew it. He had just woken up and immediately after he did it, he fell to the ground sobbing and saying he was sorry. My son is not violent. We called an ambulance. Now this really pisses me off. After this incident, he has become completely crippled and is in a wheel chair so I'm taking care of him when I need to be very careful about not breaking the scab in my mouth because I would have exposed bone.

Your son could have killed you. Your denial is literally putting your life in danger.

In my opinion you let your son DOWN by not ringing the police. HE NEEDS CONSEQUENCES FOR HIS BEHAVIOURS.

Your son is without basic social boundaries. You didn't have these as a child so it is not surprising you were not able to give them to your son.

I have lived in a lot of frozen PTSD denial during my life so I feel for you.

It is going to be hard for you to unravel how you trained your sons to be like some of your a abusers in your life.

good luck

Your son is violent. He broke your teeth no matter how bad someone's PTSD or situation is this does not give them a license to break their mother's teeth.

I will admit something. I have a 14 year old dog who is deaf. I was in a lot of pain about a month ago and in her entire life she has been pampered and loved since she was a pup. But she's deaf and she wouldn't stop barking and I kicked her. Yes, I immediately deeply regetted it but I did. I kicked her for the first time in her life. Does this mean that I should not be allowed to keep my dog? Things happen. Should someone have called the police on me? Missy is sitting next to me and I laugh. I told Missy that if I ever kicked her again that she should call the police and she licked my face. That's forgiveness and I have learned to forgive my abusers. I give forgiveness to my sons.

Very respectfully,
Gloria

Violence does not 'just happen' and if I had seen you kick your dog then yes I would ring animal protection.

I am sorry if this is harsh, but to allow abuse to continue, especially when one is aware is contributing to the cycle. The cycle will not break until one is brave enough to stand up and do it. The PRICE is high, but the cycle MUST BE BROKEN!!!

Indeed! well said