How Can I Trust Again?

[jessicalynn]

After 10 yrs of abuse and rape I am left with a strong intollerence for pornography. I consider it disgusting and a form of cheating.

When I started this new healthy relationship I explained this to my new bf, he said he totally understood and would never look at it knowing how it would hurt me. Well 4 years later I found out he was looking all along and lieing to me about it. Whenever i'd voiced my suspicions he tell me I was being paranoid and letting my trust issues take over.

Now I found proof a few weeks ago and he got very mad then very apologetic. He even tried to cover up with more lies telling me someone must have hacked into our computer which made me feel that he thinks I am very stupid. A week later I found that he was also texting and talking to a girl from the old building he worked in when he was at work at 1 or 2 am, and deleting the evidence from his phone.

I confronted him on this and he swears that they were "just friends" that she was a mentally ill tenent in the building he worked in and he felt bad that she had no one to talk to so he gave her his number.

Now he does have a big heart and he is a sensitive guy that was raised by all female but am I supposed to belive him? I have tried to "get over" it, but I cant.

After 4 years with him I had made so much progress. Came off my meds continued therapy even decided to try to get pregnant and start a family. What am I supposed to do now? I dont want to lose all that potential happiness we had, or I thought we had. But I cant stop thinking about everything, how he lied, hurt me, cheated and his secret friendship.

I need some help/ advise. I'm having horrible vivid nightares that he and my abusive ex are the same person and it is happening all over again. I cant sleep because the dreams are so bad I dont want to fall asleep. I cant stop crying although I have managed to hide it from him good enough that he thinks I am ok now and have moved past it.

I cant trust him. How do I fix myself?

<Edited for basic grammar and paragraph breaks.>

 

[cjf2010]

I too have problems with pornography(I don't mind my bf watching it though), and also some jealousy issues as well. My problem with pornography stems from another place. I'm not sure how to fix things when you lose trust. I wish I had a surefire quick fix for you, but I know for me when I've lost trust in someone it takes a long time and a lot of work for that person to get it back. I'm sorry if this hasn't helped in any way but I don't have an answer to this struggle as it still haunts me as well.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Like cjf2010 says, I think learning to trust is something that is very gradual. I'm not as far advanced as you are and by that I mean that I havn't reached a place where I could have an intimate relationship yet.

But I do think about if I could, what would be the obstacles, how would I tell the other how I felt etc.

So I'm only hypothesizing, but I think maybe I think it would help me to blurt out how I'm feeling and risk the loss. or, to say that you're not coping and, if you can, isolate and focus on sorting your own thoughts out. But also look at realistic limits to set within the relationship.

For me personally, I hate pornography. But I would hate being the focus of sexual attention. But I have, perhaps a warped sense that men need to alleviate themselves. So I might say that pornography is ok as long as it is kept out of my space.

And the same with the friendship, maybe if you say its ok, but that you'd like to talk about her, offer advice, meet her etc, it could be ok.

I don't know, but I think there is sometimes a danger that a PTSD sufferer can expect too much. And all along the way, if we are reacting, it needs to checked by some sort of normal. The boundaries I guess need to be discussed openly, and agreed upon with both of you putting your needs forward, and a compromise being found.

 

[jessicalynn]

I too have problems with pornography(I don't mind my bf watching it though), and also some jealousy issues as well.

I think my insecurities play a 30% role. My body is disgusting in comparison. I've lost 120 lbs which has left me with a ton of stretched out saggy skin. The other 70%stems from the abuse that surrounded it. It is going to take a very long time for my trust to come back. I didn't fully trust him to begin with after four years, because my trust issues run so deep. I was just starting to feel like maybe I could trust him, and then this. I feel so betrayed. I just want to stop feeling so hurt. Thank you though, knowing people understand does help in a way. Many places I have went the people tell me that pornography is normal and I need to look at it with him or it is my fault for not keeping him satisfied. I do understand that many people think it is normal. I just have my own issues with it.

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[jessicalynn]

Like cjf2010 says, I think learning to trust is something that is very gradual. I'm not as far advanced as you are and by that I mean that I havn't reached a place where I could have an intimate relationship yet.

Thank you. I really didn't want to be in a relationship. Four years ago when we met, I was out of the abusive relationship for about 3 years. I never wanted to get hurt again which to me meant never being in another relationship. But love snuck up on me, and I have never know love before like this. That is why I don't want to just run away. We have something together I don't want to lose. But I can't seem to get past him betraying my trust. I explained to him in the very beginning that I had severe trust issues. That I would not tolerate the use of porn. And that I had suffered a lot of abuse and was suffering PTSD. He said he understood. :cry:

I do try to tell him how I feel. Sometimes it is too hard for me to get out words so I write him letters or mile long texts. But I try not to keep things in.

I also have the same warped sense of men needing to alleviate them selves. I was told for 10 years that is was my job as a girlfriend to make sure he was "taken care of" at least once a day. But because of how the trauma happened I can not deal with the thought of my currant bf looking at pornography. I am very "into" him which is why I don't understand why he would look at it when he knows he could have come to me.

I don't even know how to deal with this "friendship". I find friendship between a man and a woman hard to believe there is no sex. I really do want to believe him. Everything he says makes sense. But my brain says what if...

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[cjf2010]

I deal with those same feelings sometimes. I just have to pull back and keep telling myself (and my boyfriend tells me as well) that my new boyfriend is not the one who hurt me. I have to relearn how to trust, and if I'm never put in that position I will never learn how to do so again. It's kind of like desensitization therapy (to me anyway) I guess. If I never have a situation before me to have to question that trust, how will I know that I can trust him. For me, my new boyfriend (who does look at porn and has a lot of female friends he speaks with) has never given me a reason to trust his fidelity. :inlove:

 

[jessicalynn]

I deal with those same feelings sometimes. I just have to pull back and keep telling myself (and my boyfriend tells me as well) that my new boyfriend is not the one who hurt me.

Yes, it is the same for me. I am always telling my self he is not "him". And he tells me too. Although at this point my brain is telling me they are the same person. All of my dreams lately are about them being the same person at the same time. It is very horrible. Looking at this as a desensitization therapy is a good way to try to deal with it. I will try that.

The only difference I guess is that to me pornography is infidelity. I did make that very clear to him in the beginning. So for me he has given me reason to trust his fidelity. At the same time I know that in his brain he has never been unfaithful and never would, I hope.

He does understand now I think that this for me is very serious. I don't think he expected me to react as if he cheated on me. I guess if he didn't fully understand before he does now. I just hope I can forgive him and move past this to learn to trust him again.

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[Anna]

My opinion is you can't. Best you don't. If you do you fall hard and fast. Coping is best. To keep the paranoia at bay. Everyone lies, mainly little white lies. My parner does all the time, then goes off on one when I catch them lying.... harmless little white lies..... As for porn, not a lot you can do about that. Men like porn, they look at it. Not many that don't, but they should at least have the courtesy to not do it when you are around if it bothers you. Best when you are out or not there. It can also become addictive which is a problem within itself.

 

[jessicalynn]

I keep hearing that too. It is just unacceptable to me. This is why I didn't want to ever fall in love again. I didn't want to get hurt again.

I explained this all to him in the very beginning. He knew pornography was unacceptable to me. I asked him a thousand times if he was sure he wanted to pursue a relationship with someone who has as many problems as I do. He said yes and he shouldn't have.

How do I decide between potential life long happiness with him and the possibility of him hurtung me like this again? How do I believe him when he says he will never do it again when he said that to begin with and lied?

I don't want to leave him. I love him. I can't handel being hurt like this a second time if i stay.

I've self harmed several times in the past few weeks. I need to move past this somehow. Feeling like this all the time is really wearing me down.

 

[Smallhold]

. I asked him a thousand times if he was sure he wanted to pursue a relationship with someone who has as many problems as I do. He said yes and he shouldn't have.

Jessicalynn, this above part of your post really struck me. This being my first post here I probably will have to introduce myself straight after this but you really hit the spot there.

A person who does not have PTSD, who is not a therapist or has vast knowledge of what PTSD is, cannot know what they let themselves in for. No matter how empathic a person is, it's not the same as having the symptoms and dealing with the practically 24/7.

Your man said yes to you probably because he was in love or does love you. But there is not a chance in hell he can feel what you feel, ever. That is not to say he won't make a good partner.

Rules, structures and a steady regime does wonders for a lot of people who are adrift at the best of times.

I have no idea of knowing if you would ever trust this particular person again and for that, you have my sympathy.

 

[cjf2010]

Fact of life is that we all have flaws. Our biggest flaw is the symptoms of PTSD. Even people without PTSD have flaws. I think in relationships it's all basically if we can accept the other persons' flaws to where we are happy and comfortable being with them.

 

[bethinhfx]

If he is lying about watching pornography how can you trust him? Its a lie. Pornography is also not as harmless as people think it is. I don't think it is and I think as a society we are too tolerant of it and I would find it disturbing to be in relationship with someone who watched porn and I would be even more disturbed if they were lying about it.