Remembering Memories

[Hashi]

I've come to see the trembling as an indication that it's true. My body knows, even if my mind is struggling to accept. Why would I be shaking otherwise?

Because I had craniosacral therapy, which helps the system's natural processes for releasing trauma, I would shake for one or two hours every day at first, even if I wasn't talking or thinking about it. It was so violent I would actually lift off the floor. It was a shock to know I'd been carrying that trauma energy inside all these years. I loved feeling it leave me.

The fear is awful, and many times I thought I could never get through it. I went through a time of nearly fainting or my legs almost giving way, in the middle of the supermarket or anywhere, from the amount of nameless fear that surfaced. I'm still having to process the fear, but in a different way now. I've come through a lot of it and the other side is definitely better. So have hope, maddog. Hang on in there.

 

[Queen Boudica]

((((((Maddog))))))

Thanks Hashi for your posts here. The fear, you have just described exactly what happened to me last night when remembering a whole load of stuff. I was consumed with that fear, just engulfed my whole body.

I can't believe this is happening, some of these are memories that I had, that I knew about but now they are so much more intense and that overwhelming fear and sadness comes over me.

I wish I could put that genie back in the bottle too.

 

[Helliepig]

it's possible to remember a lot of stuff vividly BUT at the same time have stuff so dissociated you have never "seen" it before. You have no idea it's in there. It's also possible that aspects to the bits you do remember have also been "forgotten" and come out too, making the already vivid memories different to how you remember.

It's very confusing and painful because when you grow up in pain you get some sense of control in knowing what went on, part of being able to herd it and keep it out in the open where you can watch it. Suddenly having whole aspects of your past that are as new to you as the day, is deeply destabilising and makes you feel isolated from your own childhood - like, am I in some new place because this is not the childhood I remembered and I have lost where I think I came from.

I guess the thing is it WOULD have been the childhood you had if you're brain hadn't stepped in to pretend otherwise.

Memories come out slowly, quickly, clearly, vaguely, shockingly, softly - any number of ways. It's why I maintain that noone can really understand someone's dissociation until they have worked through it and the shifting unique layers and complexities become clear to you and your T.

Sometimes it's not the memories so much that are the worst part, but rather that feeling that you are a stranger in your own childhood, in your own life. You want to go back to the previously painted past, the familiar one, but that illusion has gone and the landmarks are all skewed. What you thought was real is all shifting and sinister.

More and more that's where I'm thinking the grief comes in - the grief at accepting things were not how you thought they were or wanted them to be, (quite apart from grieving what happened to you, or what you never had etc) and at the sheer pain of all this STUFF in there you didn't want to have to find.

Complicated stuff.

 

[Muzikluvr]

More and more that's where I'm thinking the grief comes in - the grief at accepting things were not how you thought they were or wanted them to be, (quite apart from grieving what happened to you, or what you never had etc) and at the sheer pain of all this STUFF in there you didn't want to have to find.

Complicated stuff.

Well said, Helliepig.

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi everyone. Thank you, Maddog, for starting this thread. I was searching for threads about repressed memories and found yours. First of all, shell, sterre and Helliepig, I agree with all of you.

Maddog and others - I am sorry that you are suffering or have suffered from this. Repressed memories are hard and can completely derail your normal life until you get better at processing and then, it's still hard.

When I first starting remembering I didn't know anything about PTSD. Like some of you have stated, I also thought I "knew" my childhood. What I did know, I was in severe denial about. I made excuses and explained away a lot of abuse. But there was so much more I didn't know. The "happy" memories that I always clung to and described to others about my childhood were actually photographs that I looked at over and over. There was very little positive that I remembered that I didn't get from a photograph.

I don't have much new to offer to this thread, except that for me, the memories came like pieces to a jigsaw puzzle. The first ones made no sense to me. The stress I felt over the conflict between my denial and the reality of these "new memories" was horrible. I had difficulty believing them. When I am struggling, I still do. Then, the pieces began to tell a story. One by one over several years, a whole "other" life was shown to me.

Back then there wasn't as much information about repressed memories. Just a few books. There was also other information about False Memory Syndrome. Which, by the way, is not even a diagnosis. But I got really hung up on the duality of which is true? Repressed memories or I'm just crazy? Do I have this non-medical term False Memory Syndrome??

My father was very "helpful" in sending me several brochures. He was also extremely "kind" in offering to send me to a therapist of his choosing to treat my False Memory Syndrome and pay for it too. Fortunately, I stayed with my T.

My T showed me how False Memory Syndrome doesn't exist, and the people who coined the term were attorneys trying to debunk repressed memories in court.

I was doing research here to see what the forum's take on repressed memories was. I am SO relieved to see that everything my T. has said to me has been validated here. Also, despite how my denial likes to rise up and put doubts in my head, I have enough pieces of the puzzle to know that my memories are real. I still have big gaps. And I still struggle to accept how not normal my childhood was.

The good news for me is that the repressed memories stopped several years ago. What a relief! I am sure at some point, they will for you too, Maddog, or at least slow down tremendously. Again, I am so sorry you are struggling.

It is terrifying to feel what you once thought was reality slipping away and becoming something else. But I hope you see that you have the forum and your T. to validate you. You don't have to question if it's real. I believe without knowing anything else that what you are experiencing is real. You are not crazy. None of us who have experienced this are crazy.

I just hope that you will be kind to yourself as much as possible, and not expect too much of yourself while you are processing these new memories. It will take time, but like others have said, it will get better!

PS - If you run across any info. about False Memory Syndrome - for your sake - please ignore it! :)

 

[Zef]

While reading the posts, I just want to jump up and shout 'Me, too!' I know I had a traumatic childhood, but if anyone was to ask me about specific incidents, I might be able to remember 4 or 5, but I know there was more.

Over the years, I have minimized the trauma, other people had it worse, etc. My grandfather was/is a lifelong predator and all my younger siblings remember pieces of sexual abuse, but I never had any sort of internal memory/evidence until a few months ago. Even with getting some random imagery, some nasty body memories (where I have no control over my body) and recently some nightmares, I still struggle with the question of whether it is real or not.

I don't just feel like I'm going insane, I want to go insane just to escape. Maybe if I could just crack and get it over with the pain will go away.

When I try to remember things in the past, I realize that most of it isn't there, but I don't know if that is a normal human thing or a symptom.

 

[Hashi]

I just saw this, posted by Muse in the Research forum, about recovering traumatic memories of CSA:
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/canadian-study-on-symptoms-of-traumatic-memory-flashbacks-type-vs-narrative.21706/[/DLMURL]

I only read the Discussion and Conclusion - the rest was too much concentration, but I was able to read those parts because I could relate to it so much. As Muse comments in the post, the idea of false memory syndrome is associated with narrative and visual recall, while traumatic memories are firstly somatic, emotional and fragmented. That was reassuring and validating.

I could apply what it said to recovering memories of adult trauma after amnesia too. That never seems to be discussed much anywhere, which has often made me feel even more disbelieving of my memories.

 

[Zef]

Thanks, Hashi for pointing us at that thread. Reading it has reduced my doubts about whether the fragments I'm starting to experience are real.

 

[Daisygirl]

Thanks so much for the link, Hashi. :) I looked for something like this, but didn't find anything on false memories. Maybe I just missed it! I am definitely going to read this. Despite working on my memories for years - they just kept coming - I still at times have doubts. I think it's denial and old coping skills trying to creep in and "fix" things by repressing them all over again. So, having something factual like this could help me stop my internal struggle.

 

[shell]

the idea of false memory syndrome is associated with narrative and visual recall, while traumatic memories are firstly somatic, emotional and fragmented. That was reassuring and validating.

I could apply what it said to recovering memories of adult trauma after amnesia too. That never seems to be discussed much anywhere, which has often made me feel even more disbelieving of my memories.

I am still getting new somatic and emotional memories and have been for 12 months, but have yet to get past the stage where I can make a lot of sense of what is going on? How long does it normally take to really recover memories, to the stage where you understand the full picture, or does that never happen ? I'm sick of feeling crazy, because I don't understand what's happening.

I am not doing anything other than talking in therapy, due to the extent of my trauma.

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi shell - I think it's different for everyone. In the beginning of therapy, I had somatic and emotional memories long before I had the full memory. It took me several years to piece enough of my trauma together to where I could start processing it.

Some things that my therapist encouraged me to do was to keep a journal. Somehow writing helps encourage the subconscious to open up more. Also, writing down your dreams can also stimulate memories. I know it seems brutal to encourage memories more, but it was the only way for me to reduce the flashbacks and other symptoms.

I hope this helps. I know how hard memories are, especially when you are only getting the sensations and emotions. I hope you get some relief soon. ((((Hugs)))))

 

[Hashi]

Shell, I understand about not being able to put things together and how difficult that is. At the same time, I'd urge you to go gently with this. There's a reason for forgetting, and there's a reason for not remembering all at once. It would be too overwhelming until we're strong enough mentally and emotionally (and perhaps spiritually, if you relate to that), and we need to adjust to this new information gradually.

I think that's why journalling helps, as Daisygirl says. It helps process what you've remembered so far, and it's a way of containing things so it makes it safer to remember more.

I used to be desperate to know and understand more. I once had a lucid dream (where you have some conscious control over what happens) and realised that a character in it must know about the trauma. I wanted to know about all the gaps in my memories, and after a lot of pushing the character eventually started to answer my questions. I was so horrified by the first answer that I couldn't ask another thing. I woke up retraumatised in a worse way than I've ever been. After that, I was willing to wait. Getting memories can be terrible, but I can't even describe how bad it is to get them before you're ready.

I don't think it's a question of how long before you get a clearer picture. I think the question is how much you can do (in therapy and by yourself) on processing and getting stronger. If you can work intensely on that, you'll remember more things and you'll remember more deeply. But you need to pace yourself and take care of yourself along the way.