Sufferer Diagnosed 2003. Life Is Not Easy.

[beautifulwalking]

Life is a constant battle. I am a introvert by nature...I think or maybe early childhood made me an introvert. I'm 49 and I think that I have reached a significant plateau. Even though my CPTSD is very bad (7 suicide attempts and difficulty socially), I have reached a new understanding of how I can make things easier on myself.

1) Proceed with caution in daily interaction with people.
2) It is better to spend a day isolated than to risk being hurt if I am not prepared to handle a situation.
3) There is always another day to interact. First I have to learn how to find and discern who the safe people are. Realizing this is a plateau for me.

You see. I've always been isolated but after my last suicide attempt, I tried to force myself out of this inner shell. I jumped into going to church and making people a part of my support system. I jumped into making people understand me. It was too much. I crashed after 16 months. Now I am isolating and picking up the pieces of my shattered struggle to fit into this church and have a church family. I could probably benefit by putting myself into a mental hospital but that would disrupt my job stability. I wonder a lot if I would benefit from daily professional therapy. Maybe there isn't such a thing...just a nice daydream.

My mask is now back on but I haven't given up hope for a support system. I know that friends are key to healing this CPTSD or even to having happiness. I'm determined though to be as happy as I can be, being alone. There has got to be coping mechanisms and things that I can do to make me deliriously happy. Wouldn't that be a triumph to beat the premise that you have to have social interaction to be happy. If I can develop a real strategy for being happy and not have to struggle to make friends to find that happiness, then I will have....accomplished something astounding. The ironic thing is that IF I did discover how to be happy being alone, that is when people might start gravitating to me.

No, I haven't given up on making friends and having a support system but I am going to go very very slow about it now. I'm a fragile person.....so so fragile.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Beautifulwalking))), I hear you and I welcome you to the forum.

I have found such information, friendship and support here, I hope you find the same.

Take your time, look around and post as you are able. Hopefully you will see that others here understand and that you are no longer alone.

Wishing you peace
KP

 

[beautifulwalking]

Thank you KP. I can see by the rules posted for new members that there is a great understanding of PTSD here. I truly appreciate that. Yes, I will have my moments of PTSD reactions and I love that people here will understand and recognize what is going on with me. I am doing my best to get better. I tried to educate people that PTSD is a life-threatening for me in my world but no one understood. I'm very happy to have found this forum. Well, it's time for me to wind down my day. Nice to hear from you KP. I look forward to reading all the information here. It will be a tremendous help to me.

 

[notaunicorn]

I'm new here myself. I can relate to what you're saying about the need for friends, a support network. I tried to jump in too fast, with similar results to yours. In the midst of regrouping right now, and hoping to find my own way to be with people, including this forum. Best wishes to you; may we both find our way through this.

 

[beautifulwalking]

Hello notaunicorn. I guess jumping too fast is normal...or an act of desperation. Either way, it is very difficult to make friends. I'm trying not to beat myself up over this. I don't want to go slow .... I want to be there. I want to have all the friends that other people seem to have. It is going to be slow. I can't deal with any more pain. I have to protect myself form this pain.

 

[ericaboo]

Welcome - Just try to learn all you can - knowledge is power and there are healthy ways to help with the pain without going into denial (or so I'm told).

 

[woundedsoul]

Hi, I'm new here, but I empathize with your reluctance to trust people based on the fear of being hurt. I suffer similarly and learned not to trust from a young age due to both parents suffering from alcoholism and other traumas. I really appreciate your candor and, to me, the courage you I imagine it took for you to write about this. I wish you luck, admire your courage, plan, and hope you find what you are looking for. I admire you for facing your fears and working on this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi beautifulwalking and welcome:)

Everyone already said it all. I too went to a church and crashed and burned and am still recovering from the bad experiences. I have 2 friends my sponser from al-anon and another friend. i speak to them on the phone. I used to g out to lunch and have coffee and donuts with them.

Since I have broken off contact with the church, I have had to start all over. i am going really slow. I tried to make a support system for myself but it failed and bacfired very badly so I can relate to you not wanting any support at all.​

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I am going really slow on making new contacts with saf others. It takes time to find out if people are safe or not. Another good thing to have is very good boundries. good boundries make for better conversations. Good boundries cover alot of areas.​

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You sound like you are working hard on yourself and I'm glad you failed in your suicide attempts. I encourage you to keep on posting here and find the support you need here with safe people who understand. You won't have to explain yourself here. Come as you are and take what you like and what works for you and leave the rest.​

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Take care and be well, Gizmo​

 

[Lanter]

Socially I am in a similar situation as you are, even though I am not entirely sure whether or not I truly have PTSD. I have got enormous concentration issues, especially when speaking, I more often than not can't bring up the concentration to finish a sentence, let alone make it sound anywhere near coherent. This is a bit easier on text, since I get to think things through for a while. But all this made socializing a pain in the ass. My friends weren't really understanding what was up exactly, and more often than you were only making fun of my mis-pronouncations and half asses sentences. How badly I just wanted them to understand me, and I tried a plenty, but it somehow just didn't come through. I eventually gave up and locked myself a way from most contact. Luckily though, I have always been a bit of an introvert. So once I got over the fact that people are just not going to understand me, I got decently content with my solitude. And by that, I also got back into the social circuit. Though I mostly function on little mechanics I have thought out to just appear normal. Slow, non impulsive speech to buy myself that extra braintime, studying certain stock responses that are usable in a lot of situations, trying to appear like I don't care to be involved in the discussion, anything to hide that I don't mentally function well. If there is anything I hate, it's being thought of as stupid. It's my own silly pride, I know.

My social life is one of the least things I strive to have back to normal these days, though it would most certainly make life a lot easier. There are just certain things we want badly though, and I really don't know if there is any way around that. Maybe those things, while they cause a lot of frustration, also serve their purpose - it does keep you fighting and striving for improvement. I know it does for me. If it wasn't for the possibility of a bright future, I would've checked out already. So in a way we just oughta find a balance within embracing but also managing our desires.

 

[bethinhfx]

I am pretty isolated right now but I can really relate to just jumping in (other situations) - omg! I am so trusting and have been victimized so many times....its kind of bizarre. So, I am trying to be a lot more careful and self-caring. Its difficult! This is an amazing resource! Welcome. Beth

 

[beautifulwalking]

Welcome - Just try to learn all you can - knowledge is power and there are healthy ways to help with the pain without going into denial (or so I'm told).

Thank you ericaboo. Denial. Is that when you aren't validating your inner voice that is saying, "This hurts, this hurts!" I'm trying to get in touch with that voice and validate it. Many times, I don't listen to it (me) when I should. I'm focusing on getting in touch with me. Thanks for your input.

 

[beautifulwalking]

Everyone already said it all. I too went to a church and crashed and burned and am still recovering from the bad experiences. I have 2 friends my sponser from al-anon and another friend. i speak to them on the phone. I used to g out to lunch and have coffee and donuts with them.

Since I have broken off contact with the church, I have had to start all over. i am going really slow. I tried to make a support system for myself but it failed and bacfired very badly so I can relate to you not wanting any support at all.

Thanks Gizmo. The church experience really hurt because I was looking for part of my support system there. I was too honest about my PTSD, wanting the church to understand me if I ever had any problems in the church arena. I wanted to educate some in the church about what PTSD was. What I learned was that even is I thought that I had done a good job educating my pastor and a few key others, when I did have a problem, they completely ignored the fact that I have PTSD. They did not take it into account. They simply don't understand how PTSD alters the person completely.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience with me. It sounds like we are in similar situations or crossroads in our lives. I am really glad to be here where people can understand me. Thanks so much.

<Full quote edited by KP the nut>