General Wanting To Find Some Friends For Support And Friendship!

[sherri ward]

Hi all!

I am fairly new to all this, we are almost three years out from the accident that took my husband away. The husband that I married that is. I have this new man in my life now, he is very different. Different personality, different likes and dislikes. He is plagued by intense mood swings, the nastiness and prone to flying off the handle quickly now. This new person in my life is the man I married only we now live 'the new normal' together, whatever that is. My husband was in a horrific motorcycle accident on July 11, 2009. It was a hit and run and they have never found the car that did it. As a result and in a nutshell he broke all the bones in his face and had to have complete facial reconstruction surgery, he broke 8 ribs, fractured his neck, broke his jaw in 3 places and had it wired shut for 12 weeks. Came home with a feeding tube and a trach tube. He was in a coma for 3 weeks and spent over a month in the trauma intensive care unit. En route to the hospital he coded three times in the helicopter, at one point he was gone for 4 minutes. He has been subsequently diagnosed with a TBI and with PTSD, depression and an anxiety problem. He does not sleep, has nightmares, flashbacks and sees people who aren't there. Life is hell now.

Trying to keep our marriage together is a neverending fight. We have been together for 23 years, married for 20 and have 3 kids together. I love my B (this is what I call him) with all my heart and soul and could never imagine my life without him, but there are daily challenges to this new normal we face. I always wonder if those challenges will be what gets us through all this or what tears us apart. It could go either way. After his hospital stay I quit my job to care for him, truly a 24/7 task at that point but I would do it again in a heartbeat. What hurts is the fact that he is so unappreciative of anything I have done for him these last 3 years.

Although both sides of our family live in the same town as us I do not get any support from either side. His family and I have never gotten along and the accident has actually made things worse. Friends are the family I turn to now and I know they all mean well but they just dont understand what it's like. Because of that it is very hard to really talk about things with friends because they don't get it and that just tends to frustrate me more. I am so sick of people telling me that it'll be ok, things will get better, i understand. No one knows that and they don't understand!

This is why I am hoping to find some new friends that I can relate to and can truly understand what I am going through. I need this avenue of support so badly right now as I really feel like I am going to lose it soon.

Hope to hear from you all soon!

Sherri

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Sherri, I am so terribly sorry that you and your H are suffering. What a terrifying set of experiences. It is... unimaginable to most people (happily I guess!) what we go through, and maybe more so, why.

Is he getting treated for the PTSD? Is he doing EMDR or some other CBT therapy? Those seem to be what really make the difference in quality of life for sufferers and supporters. How old are your kids?

If you haven't already, the stickies at the top of the forums in each section - supporter and sufferer alike - are worth reading (and in my case re-reading and re-reading "Did it say that last time? I don't remember it saying that last time!") And the threads old and new. Searching is a great function on this site as well for specific topics.

If you read around on the sufferers side - you may get some insight into your H's stand-offishness. PTSD can come with a boatload of guilt. So, just guessing here, it may be that he seems unappreciative because he feels like guilty about you having to take care of him (He's a man after all, his job - in the cosmic male mind at least - is to take care of YOU.) He may feel like he doesn't have anything to offer anymore - and so is just shut down. Or it may be a function of the brain injury - you'd have a better feel for that than anyone else - how high up on his head was damaged? Were the frontal lobes involved? That can really mess with affect.

Most Important: What are you doing to take care of yourself?

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Dear Sherri,

My heart goes out to you in reading of the tragedy that happened to your husband and how it has affected your relationship. I'm not a fellow supporter, I have PTSD, but I feel your pain and I'm pretty sure you'll find the support you want and need here on this forum.

Please hang in there Sherri. You did the right thing by reaching out for help. Give this a chance, and hopefully soon you'll feel some relief. I hope you do find some relief and a better understanding of how to cope with your new reality and new husband.

My only pearl of wisdom is to ask you if you have sought out a therapist that specializes in trauma therapy? It might be a good idea for both of you to be in therapy together and separate, and/or group therapy. I love group therapy :):):)

Take care of yourself ok

 

[ProudWife99]

Sherri - I always feel two sets of emotions when welcoming new people to this site. I feel so glad you were able to find a place full of people who not only know how you feel, but can offer you wisdom, advice, and sometimes just support. I also feel sad knowing someone else feels the pain and heartache I've felt in my own experiences with PTSD.

My husband and I both suffer from PTSD, but we've managed to stay on the ride this long. I know in my experience my friends and family saying those things frustrated me to, but in this instance, I really do understand what you're going through.

It is my hope that you find what you're looking for here, even if all you're looking for is someone who doesn't expect you to hold it together. It is okay to fall apart. I know sometimes I get into my car, drive a block away from my house, park, and cry until I can't cry anymore. I get so tired and drained from the experience that I just can't hold it together any longer. Then, I put myself back together as much as I can and keep on truckin'

Please look after yourself. I would definately agree with the idea of getting into a trauma specific therapy. A and I both were in therapy for a while and it didn't really sink in for us until we met with someone who specialized in PTSD.

Hugs to you!

 

[sherri ward]

Thanks to all. He is in therapy, goes once a week for the last three years almost. I am just along for the ride. Since no one around me feels I should gripe it's hard to do anything for myself. Everyone just keeps telling me how I should just be thankful he is still here and not complain which I am thankful he is here but I still feel the need to complain!

My life was turned upside down too, if not worse then his. He doesnt remember the accident at all, I do! I had to agjust to being married to a new husband in an instant, he still has the same me. I relive it all everytime he loses his memory, to him it's the first time. I almost can't stand it sometimes.

Like today... I had an absolutely awful day at work, I come home and just want to talk about it with him, vent a little. So much for that idea. He was already in a piss poor mood so any talk about anything but him was out and to top it off for some strange reason he is once again mad at me. The mood swings, the attitude, the selfishness. I am so sick of it all.

<inserted paragraph breaks>

 

[Eleanor]

Since no one around me feels I should gripe it's hard to do anything for myself. Everyone just keeps telling me how I should just be thankful he is still here and not complain which I am thankful he is here but I still feel the need to complain!

EVERYONE HERE understands that you MUST take care of yourself and do things for yourself FIRST. (sorry to shout. People who don't live with PTSD day in and day out don't really have a way to understand the emotional rollercoaster - and it is ... unbelievably exhausting. Being grateful is perfectly compatible with complaining in this case - they refer to rather different things at the end of the day.

Gripe/vent/complain away! I started a supporter diary for just that purpose - and it is a lifesaving outlet. Truly. I have been beside myself or totally anxious waiting for "the other shoe to drop" and knowing my friends here understand has made it possible to cry it out and move on...

 

[sherri ward]

Thanks. I have keep a sort of journal too, I am actually turning it into a book.

 

[ProudWife99]

Everyone just keeps telling me how I should just be thankful he is still here and not complain which I am thankful he is here but I still feel the need to complain!

Of course you should complain! Heck, my husband survived tours in Iraq, explosions, and the like and everyone around me says "He is such a hero..you must be so proud" and of course I'm proud. He is a hero. But he can also be a selfish jerk who gives me little of what I need and mostly a whole bunch of shit I could live without.

It isn't necessarily their fault for not understanding. I think most of the time they THINK they understand even when they have no clue. I just get so irritated, especially lately, at those people who think they're helping when all they're doing is locking us supporters up in our own quiet, silent hell.

I don't think it's fair to anyone. Your husband went through a traumatic experience and even me, someone you don't know, is extremely grateful he survived. But HIS survival does not mean the end of who YOU are as a person who needs love and respect.

Sorry if it seems I'm going off. A and I got into it this morning and there was no resolution. Sometimes I get so tired of hearing "But look at all the good things you have. WHy are you complaining!" I'm complaining because you can take my nice house and nice clothes and throw them out the window if you'd just show me some love, compassion, and caring!

Sorry. /end rant. =(

 

[sherri ward]

Yeah, we got into it yesterday and there is no resolution yet. I often wonder how much of his issues are the PTSD and how much are from the TBI or are they just one in the same. I am so tired of his crap, he is such a miserable person and always takes it out on me! I did move out last month for a while but am back now trying to work on things through marriage counseling but not sure what the outcome will be. I just couldn't take it anymore. I love him to death but I just can't live like this anymore.

 

[ProudWife99]

My husband has PTSD and TBI as well and I can rarely tell them apart. A asked if we could go to marriage counseling today. We haven't been for a couple months. He never asks for more counseling, so maybe he knows we have a problem. I'm tired of talking about all the issues. I guess I'm just tired of talking to him about it.

 

[sherri ward]

I hear ya on that one, I am sick of trying to talk to him too. All it ever turns into is an argument. It is to the point of me wanting to leave again. I still have my apartment for just this situation. I just get home from work and right away the nastiness starts. I can't get away from it.

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi Sherri - Welcome to the Forum! Like ProudWife99 said, I am sorry you are in a situation where you need help and support. But I am finding a lot of help here, so I hope that you do as well.

I have PTSD and my husband has childhood trauma too. He is just beginning to understand how his behavior is inappropriate and trying to work on making changes.

Does B recognize/own his behavior? Does he apologize for acting out? After three years of therapy, if he is still at a point where he can't recognize that his behavior is unacceptable, then that would be a big problem for me. My thinking is that if he doesn't recognize his behavior/attitude is a problem - can't hear you when you try to talk to him - then how is he going to move beyond where he is?

Taking care of yourself is paramount, as others have suggested. Maybe considering therapy for yourself, just so you can have someone devoted to your feelings, issues and struggles? Also, having to adjust to a new marriage, a new husband, a new way of life is a major stressor, not to mention what I am hearing about your day to day stress with him.

I hope that you are able to get some peace about your situation and whatever choices you decide to make.