Emotional Flashbacks

[Venusian]

I have been having a hard time recently with sudden bouts of depression combined with a hypervigilence. These feelings sometimes come out of the blue, like a switch has been flipped on, or sometimes I can feel them building. I have never been suicidal but when these feelings come up now, its there, at the the same time I know I would never do anything and I KNOW I don't want to die. But it is still there, a feeling that I shouldn't be here, there was a time that I was gone and when I came back I wanted to leave again because I was right back in the horror I had escaped.

The past couple of weeks I have been struggling with this and it has been getting worse. I have had a flashback before when I knew it from back then, I am not sure why I knew but I did. These last weeks I just realized that these are possibly the same things. The last 2 nights have been the worst and even at work during the day I have been getting jumpy. The smell of the garage when I have to go to work and leave is triggering these. I had thought a lot about the visual triggers of the parkade before I started the job, I forgot about the smells, the smell that was there even when I couldn't see anything.

I am hoping that just realizing that I am having these will help me find something that grounds me but I have tried some of the things I do and they don't work as well. Yesterday I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling until the feelings suddenly switched off. Does anyone else deal with these types of flashbacks when there is no other part of the memory attached to it?

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG, do I ever!
Personally I don't think I can think clearly enough (at those times) to identify what I'm remembering. :confused:

I'm sorry this is not helpful, but you aren't alone in that.
Good analogy, the flip switch. A trigger, I guess.

I do know of 'anchoring'- taking something that you assign a good/ calm/ safe/ peaceful etc. connotation to, and for example squeezing it in your hand. Sort of ~not thinking, in a way. Or as others suggest visualize a 'STOP' sign, etc, though that only goes so far for me.

 

[Lucycat]

Yes, I have had these too. Fortunately not very often. I have eventually managed to link these emotional flashbacks to a memory. Not as in a factual memory but more of to a time when I remembered feeling the same.

It is very hard to explain and at first my T was sceptical, but he went away and discussed with the psychiatrist and then came back saying, yes indeed these were emotional flashbacks.

So for me, knowing what is happening was reassuring. Secondly trying to work out where the feeling was linked helped me to process it and move on. Some of these emotional flashbacks have lasted for quite some time. Far longer than what I would call a 'normal' flashback - which is over ( usually) in a flash.

However much I understand and practice grounding techniques I still find them incredibly hard to utilise when I am in the midst of it!

 

[Tinyflame]

Really, -who knew! :confused::eek:

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't completely understand flashbacks. But I do have emotional flashbacks, usually accompanied by thoughts and an almost irresistable urge to contact people who were around at the time.

More recently I'm getting better at not contacting people. I check myself and try to remind myself of the time lapse, so that I don't contact people making an idiot of myself.

 

[Red Feather]

Thanks for this post. I didnt know this is called emotional flashbacks. I barely have normal flashbacks but mostly emotional flashbacks. Maybe because my a lot of traumas (not all of them) took place in a very long period in which everything sort became a blur for me. I get these moments when I am put in a situation that reminds me of the situation I was in, like somebody is domineering over me or decisions are made over my head, or when somebody makes a sexual advancement. I think it is very psychological. Then my emotions revert back to the state of being completely powerless and I go into panic. Would this be called emotional flashback too? I mostly dont know from which experience the emotions comes from. Lately it has happened much more often, just by being in a stressful situation. I then I feel so overwhelmed.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow, I can't get over how you've described it Venusian, it's basically exactly just like that, wow.

Lucycat, what do you do? :confused:

 

[Venusian]

I just got back from visiting my daughter and her family for two days. It seems like when I go there I revert to a "Mom" mode and the flashbacks subside and I get a breather, but I find myself even more stressed because I realize how much the PTSD has affected me. I am so proud of how she cares for her kids and I know I was the one to teach her that, but I find it so hard to relate to her now. I think I put a wall up because I don't want her to know how much pain I am in most of the time now. I know she is happy to have me there but we don't really talk.

I still have to find a way to handle these flashbacks. How can I deal with them so that I can still do my job or drive home through rush hour traffic? It does help to know that I am not the only one who gets these but it seems like the emotional memories are the hardest ones to get through.

 

[712xx]

OMG, do I ever!
I do know of 'anchoring'- taking something that you assign a good/ calm/ safe/ peaceful etc. connotation to, and for example squeezing it in your hand. Sort of ~not thinking, in a way. Or as others suggest visualize a 'STOP' sign, etc, though that only goes so far for me.

I do the anchoring a lot with my sense of smell. At home I have a security blanket; the smell is comforting. When I'm out, I have a few go-to's, like a fragrant scented tissue that I can use, an mp3 player with music to lift my mood and shift my focus, or on lunch breaks I liked to do imagery meditation. I'd picture myself in a desert, or on top of a Grand Canyon peak. The lack of stimuli in those places helps to sink my emotions into the sand or thrown them down into the ravine.

Anger, shame, and 'yucky' are frequent emotional flashbacks. If I'm not paying attention to my check lists, and get off track, I will feel a real urgent fear out of no where, like a lost kid in a store who can't find the people they came with.

If I can't do any of those things above, I write them down and try to describe it to get it out of my head. Sometimes I crumple the paper in a tight ball and put it in my pocket. If later I still feel unsettled, I put my hand in the pocket and squeeze the paper ball hard like I'm trying to shut it up. Strangly enough it worked, but I only did that a few times.

Nothing would work if it turns into a full panic attack. This usually happens with fear or a very triggering sound or smell. By then it has become too much of a physical issue and need to either find a quiet solitary place to ride it out, or those around me will end up calling the hospital. My face goes ash and the skin around my lips turn bluish gray. They think I'm having a heart attack or stroke. It is so weird how strong emotional things can affect your physical well-being like that. It can make me so ill, but by the time I see a doctor they can't find anything wrong. Nope, it is all in my head.

I've learned not to let people see things like that. They insist a doctor will help me feel better. When I get there, they see there is no medical issue and ask me if I need to talk to a chaplin or have a psyc consult. I say no and go home. I mean, what can they possibly do, short of a lobotomy or exorcism?:devilish:

 

[Tinyflame]

Those are good tips 712xx.

That's awful, re: the cyanosis, could it be from hyperventilating? :( :sick:

Like Venusian said, I find mine inclined more towards despair/ shame etc than panic. Can't really 'describe' it unless it's during it. Though the feeling of having to 'flee' could be panic- related. Though when it occurs it doesn't exactly feel like 'that', either, weird. More like unbearable sorrow, that you should remove yourself, etc, if that makes sense? :confused:

Unfortunately I seem to have a sinus infection that won't go away and so my sense of smell is affected, but I can't think of any 'comforting' smells. Similarly, I have never been able to visualize a safe place. Music can be a distraction, dancing also (not so useful at work, lol), usually need something tactile.

Do you write down what you are feeling, and then crumple it up? I relate to what Venusian said, it's all-pervasive and not a fleeting feeling.

At least recognizing that may be what's occurring helps.

 

[712xx]

Those are good tips 712xx.
That's awful, re: the cyanosis, could it be from hyperventilating? :( :sick:
... At least recognizing that may be what's occurring helps.

Thanks, no I don't usually hyperventilate. I did when I was a kid, but I didn't understand what was happening in my body. The 'unknown' triggered an exagerated fear response, which would make me hyperventilate. As an adult, I now know what is happening and my response is a lot less exagerated most of the time. There isn't a snowball effect, you know? So, yes, knowing helps a lot.

The ash complexion and blue gray lips is caused by ... well, I term it "allergic" reaction to a surge of dopamine. Having ptsd is a lot like having an allergy. An allergy is when the immune system overreacts to things that shouldn't be harmful (pollen, grass, dust, etc). Well, our nervous system overreacts to things that normally shoudn't be stressful ... our 'triggers'. Sometimes we know where the "pathogen" is coming from, and sometimes we don't.

I don't have many panic attacks now -- the last one was a year ago. I can't say I'll never have another one, because I have come close since then ... but if I can get by myself and do the things that help calm my body down, it keeps it managable.

I'm always fighting with this double 'outlook' ... wanting very much to just be normal and not have to think about so many things, be so careful and detailed with daily plans just to leave the house. The other side of me can't even imagine being normal, so if there were a magic pill that made me normal -- I'd have to relearn how to live all over again, lol. Everything would be foreign as a normal. :p

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, think of it as your new Normal, and Unique. :)
Feel free to be creative. :)