Supporter Me, Him And Ptsd: A Love Story?

[HelloMo80]

Well, I met him almost two and a half years ago. Him: one week out from Iraq, still in the Navy and living the single life. Me: one week out of a year and a half relationship, living in a place with no family and readjusting to the single life. We met at a party, our numbers were exchanged through a third party (unbeknownst to us) and we connected. It was fireworks (and not in a good way) from the start.

I didn't know his name. I had his number. I thought the safe bet was to text him. "Hey, it was nice to meet you the other night. It's a shame we didn't get to talk at the party." He responded by texting and saying that I was copping-out by not calling him and that I was playing games. So I picked up the phone called him and said "I was given your number but never your name. I didn't know who to ask for so I thought I'd text you first and get your name, then call." From there, we had a date (how we got to it, I don't know, but we did) and we remained close ever since.

I didn't know him before he was in Iraq so I didn't know what his "pre-Iraq" personality was like to distinguish it from his post Iraq personality. All I know is he did a lot of the following:

1) Hot/cold. He was very good for shutting down on me. One day we were at his house, we went to sleep and the next morning he woke up pissed to high heaven, told me he was never gonna speak to me again and gathered up all my stuff, drove me to my car and told me he was gonna delete my number. I had NO IDEA why he felt that way and I kept asking him to talk to me. He wouldn't. Later that day he said he was having some difficulty, we talked and I forgave him. I thought that would be the last time but it wasn't.

2) He's accusatory. I was always untrustworthy to him even though I had never done anything to him. Then we had an incident where he got mad at me and felt justified in his accusation and it's been hell ever since. I have to admit that I did lie to him. I did so because when I told the truth, he would get angry anyway. I was wrong for that though. Now, any time he wants to leave the relationship he just cites what happened years ago as the reason.

3) He isn't truthful. He's cheated. He's lied. He's not ready to realize the truth of his condition. He won't get help and it's going to be more of an issue as he is gone overseas again.

The love we've had between us has never been an issue. The actions between us have been. I came here to learn more about PTSD. I know I want to be there for him. I'm using this time to strengthen myself as our former relationship is one that was draining in a lot of ways. This break is welcome but on the flip side I want to be well informed provided I choose to continue a journey with him.

Thanks in advance for all the well-wishes and support. Have a great evening!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

Start by reading the supporter section and by reading the sticky threads at the tops of the supporter section. You will met some very understanding and helpful people down there.

Good luck. :)

 

[ClairBear226]

Numbers 2 & 3 concern me. A LOT.

If you lied to him because you felt like you couldn't tell him the truth, there's something very wrong there. It places you in a catch 22. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I was married to someone like that when I was younger, and I can very strongly identify with what that feels like. He would accuse me of looking at other men when the thought hadn't even entered my head. If I dared exchange 3 words with a male cashier, I'd hear about it for the rest of the night. Everything I did was wrong, from the way I did various tasks, to who my friends were, to the way I looked.

These are all big warning signs of a potential abuser. If he makes comments about your friends or family, or larger moves like separating you from them, RUN. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. The fact that he lies a lot is worrysome also.

Most of us lie at some point or another, but there are other people who are in another whole league, that don't seem to think society's rules apply to them. Bottom line is, I would strongly encourage you to evaluate how much he contributes to your well being vs. how much of a detriment he is to it.

PTSD or not, he is still accountable for his actions, and you are still entitled to be treated fairly, in a loving, nurturing relationship. If fair, loving, nurturing, and supportive do not describe this man, if he is not the kind of person that will build you up, and help you to do the things that make you happy, then press the DELETE key on the relationship, and find someone that does.

There are several million men in the world. Don't waste your time on one that makes you feel any less than the cherished and adored partner that you have the right to be.

<Edited to include paragraph breaks>

 

[ProudWife99]

PTSD or not, he is still accountable for his actions, and you are still entitled to be treated fairly, in a loving, nurturing relationship.>

I could not have said it better. PTSD does not give anyone a free pass to cause a wake of destruction. I hate to generalize, but in my time living near an army post (my husband is military) I run into a lot of soldiers who feel their rage, anger, and other extreme emotions that lead to bad behavior are justified by what they've done. To a point, it is understandable, but not a good enough justification for outright disrespect and abuse.

My relationship with my husband was unhealthy from the start as well. From day 1 we only enabled each other and our bad behavior. Years later and we are STILL working on undoing all of those bad habits.

Please take care of yourself. Do check out the supporters section. There is kindness, compassion, and support there that, unfortunately, we sometimes don't get at home.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

He isn't truthful. He's cheated. He's lied.

Hello, Hello! It's great you want to learn about PTSD. It's important, because you never know how you can use all the knowledge you gain from here on out.

Only *you* can decide what you're going to do, but everyone on here is very caring in their suggestions since many have been on here awhile.

I'm 100% with Clair though. Lying = no trust = you will question EVERYTHING. There's never a relationship when trust isn't there. I've just been on the tail end of that with my situation. He said initially 2 kids, found out there were 3 (1 from his ex prior). Said he was divorced, found out "seperated" - which sure as hell isn't divorced.

He won't get help and it's going to be more of an issue as he is gone overseas again.

I think what will concern everyone who responds to you is that first part of the statement. "He won't get help" - i.e., he's not going to learn the tools to make himself better. Nothing that YOU do will help or work. Period. You could potentially be beating your head against a rock your entire relationship. Being occasionally stubborn is one thing, but living it daily and ruining your self esteem, your ego, your sanity, is another.

Like Ayesha recommended, read the threads. More than once you'll go "THAT'S ME!". Guarenteed.

Good luck, and go into it with an open mind, NOT an open heart. Don't be like me, the "Florence Nightengale" syndrome doesn't get you anywhere.

AB

 

[HelloMo80]

Thanks everyone for the info, advice, concern.

I have no idea what I'm going to do right now. I'm okay with that because he just left. I do miss him but a weight has definitely been lifted regarding how we dealt with each other. It was draining to both of us for sure.

ClairBear, those things concern me as well. In some ways I felt like he had the potential to be abusive. Definitely in a emotional way for sure. In some ways I know that my behavior wasn't always the best either. I was suffering from undiagnosed bipolar disorder so I was a rollercoaster of fun to be around as well (sarcasm). However, that doesn't excuse anything he's done to me though and that I do know and understand. It may help explain some things, but ultimately no explanations are excusable for some of what we've gone through as as result of his actions.

He's not all bad...but his PTSD brings out the WORST in him. Or does it? Since I didn't know him before I have no idea if this is just how he is. I've talked to his family and his sister said he's always been a bit irrational. She hinted that she and her family thought something might be wrong with him before he joined the military. What she meant by that I don't know as I hadn't a chance to speak with her about it further. Anyway, I came here to read more, learn more and really get some insight into what this disorder does to people and if there's help that I could point him to. He has to want it and actually DO something about it.

The more I evaluate things, the more I know there can't be any way for me to help him if he won't help himself. Funny thing is, when I was sick with bipolar disorder he was very encouraging and supportive of helping me find the right treatment and getting into therapy. But, when it comes to himself, it's almost like he either doesn't think he's worth it or that it's not an issue he needs to address. Either way, this year is going to be the time when I remain a friend to him, but not expense of my own well-being in the process. (Which is why I'm here.)

I'm in therapy now for unrelated things, but this is something I plan to discuss with my counselor upon next meeting. Thanks for listening and I'll definitely look more into what others are dealing with. Thank you all!