What To Never Say To A Ptsd Sufferer

[Garblefraz]

One of the things I find really difficult is being able to take criticism.

There's a certain mindset out there that goes something along the lines of "all criticism is good for you, and if you don't listen to it then you will never improve."

I have two issues with this:
1. "Improve" is subjective. In whose eyes would I be improving? I like getting tips, but when people say it in certain ways like "you need to do it like this" I have to pause and think it through.
2. A lot of "criticism" (the kind that can be distinguished from "feedback") seems unnecessarily aggressive and blunt. People often seem to confuse bluntness with "honesty" when it can actually be dishonest in the sense that the person is projecting their own self-criticism under the guise of "its for your own good".

People who are hard-lined on this issue put me in a trap situation, where if I disregard their criticism I will be perceived as a "coward" and blahblahblah. Mostly I just see it as the person not taking responsibility for how they express their opinion--they expect you to be able to take whatever they dish out, and they don't have to bother about being considerate. It hurts!!

But I can't seem to avoid running into it, so I'm trying to get better at disregarding feedback that isn't useful. (My dad used to say "there's no such thing as trying" but I think that is ridiculous).

 

[peaceofmind]

"Oh grow up" I did, I'm 45 now Mom.

"You didn't have it rough" You are right...it was a living hell.

"You need therapy?! Why? I raised you in a warm, loving home!" That one actually made me throw-up a little in my mouth.

"Just push it all down deep inside, that is what I did" Aw, thanks sis, that is probably why your life is a complete mess and you are a raging alcoholic now.

and my favorite...."I am the only one who had a terrible mother!" Yeah, you are right Mom, too bad you turned into her.

 

[Philippa]

You know, I've known heaps of women who've been raped, and they're all over it now...why can't you get over it?"

Um, I guarentee they aren't over it...they are probably just numbing themselves with drugs and alcohol and haven't really dealt with it at all....thanks brother...big help.

 

[angel2write]

Here's one I hate:

"Oh, that's terrible. Now, what would do we need to get for supper?"

My mom and dad's response when I told them. My dad said, "I'd like to kill them" in this really calm voice... then he picked up the TV remote and turned the ball game back on. Subject closed, apparently.

Too bad I couldn't deal with it quite that easily...

 

[PTSD sufferer]

"Oh, that's terrible. Now, what would do we need to get for supper?"

I know this one all too well.

I also get, 'why can't you just be happy, instead of being so difficult'. So disagreeing with your abusive words is being 'difficult' ok, I'm difficult, deal with it!

and 'perhaps you should have tried harder to please him' Seriously, I was the victim, and you seem to have more compassion for abusers than your daughter - the victim?

the worst....'what did you expect me to do, help you?' ummm, yes, that would have been nice considering you're my mother and all that.

"Oh grow up"

I hate that one too.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I needed some time alone this past few days...so I get guilt tripped, I'm sure it was accidental, but it hurts anyway.

"How long do you need?" Sad/grumpy face.
Oh, I didn't realize I could predict the future and forecast when I feel better! :mad::(

 

[TeddySue]

Um, I guarantee they aren't over it...they are probably just numbing themselves with drugs and alcohol and haven't really dealt with it at all....

Or: eating themselves into 400 pounds to try to numb the pain. Obesity kills.

Or: the old man (dad) says, "Were you doing your wifely duties?" As a retort upon finding out the son in law molested the granddaughter.

 

[petal_picking_poet]

These are all from a gem of an ex-boyfriend:

"You are always so defensive!"
Well, I've had to spend my entire life defending myself, so... yeah.

"You are overreacting. You always do this. You need to get help. I am serious about this."
Thanks for your expert opinion.

And then, when I did get help (as requested) and was diagnosed with PTSD:
"PTSD? You know, I don't really believe in labeling things like this."
I'll keep this in mind if you ever have the flu...

"We both had bad childhoods. The difference is I fought back, and you didn't."
-speechless-

When I asked him not to scream during fights because it triggered me:
"You know, I don't understand why it's okay for you to ask me to change like that. Screaming is healthy. It's not a bad thing to scream at someone, and it can even make things better. You should really get used to that."
What if I thought that kicking you square in the crotch were healthy and might make things better? Cause I'm kind of starting to....

About dissociation:
"You have to stop that. I can't stand it when I try to talk to you and you are totally zoned out. It's really rude and selfish."
"Ugh, don't do this again."
I am so sorry that this is so stressful for you, sweetie.

When I explained flashbacks:
"I see how that could be annoying, but you really just need to stop doing that."
What a novel plan! You should write self-help books!

Despite my best efforts to educate, I'm pretty sure this guy's understanding of PTSD was about as deep as my understanding of astrophysics. You can see pretty clearly how he earned the title "ex." ;)

 

[Lucycat]

' Get a Grip'!

 

[thematrix]

"why cant you just get over it"-if I could I would this is beyond stupid.

"its so sad what you've become you use to be such a strong person"-yeah ok, and I am stronger than you will ever know, I am still alive. Rude.Thanks alot.Kick in the crotch.

"you just need to relax"-sorry my nervous system is shot, and my body hates me, and if I could do this I would retard. Thats actually all I want, but I CANT.

"I dont know what to do"-me neither, or I would be doing it. I've tried everything!Then they disappear. Thanks. Really thats helpful.

"You are causing me stress"-Good lord. Sorry for stating reality, my bad, sorry to interupt your oblivious world, carry on, I will not be a part of your world, dont need you.

"I understand you are bitter and angry"-no you dont, and you're part of the problem, stop manipulating and lying.

"I understand PTSD I get it"-bs cause if you did you would have helped me years ago, you dont have a clue, and you are part of the problem, and if you understood you would know there is no cure. And you are responsible for exacerbating this mess, and ignoring my pleas for assistance.

"Sometimes its not good to tell the truth" WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

"You look good" Why is that because I am not violently shaking today? Please by all means be me for a day, you couldnt handle it. I look good, really, on the inside I want to crawl out of my own skin. Thanks.

"She's crazy"-behind my back of course, and no she's not. You are for not doing your job, and turning a blind eye, shame on you. Dont need you in my life, you're incompetent. Educate yourself.

The subtle insinuations this is all my fault...WRONG.

"have a good sleep"-vomit, thanks, looking forward to nightmares (not), but I'll say ok, just to make you happy, and you know I am going to have them..

"you just need to get out, exercise, etc." Sure no prob. I love going out, waiting for physical violence, its all I look forward to, really. I'll just ignore my valid safety concerns. Cause everyone lives like this right? NO.

"I dont understand why you dont want to go out, I cant handle this anymore, I tried so hard" in reality I lied to you by stating I would never hurt you, and be there, and I understand, but I am cheating on you, and that is why I am a cowardly prick and hitting the bricks, because all I care about is ME and my sexual organ, lol.:sick:

"you just need to put this behind you" I'd love to, but once again, you are part of the prob, not doing your job, therefore not letting me,uneducated self serving uneducated manipulator. For shame.

"I didnt know it was that bad" Read a book,maybe do ONE google search. Its only been a couple of years, whenever you have time..

Sorry for the rant.I could go on, but I digress..

 

[Tinyflame]

PPP, am glad that's an 'ex'- sounds like torture, not dating! :(

Have heard "You used to be so strong" too, thematrix.
And, "You look good".

I think that's why I ever fear telling anyone anything (other than here), I can't imagine they'd understand, or 'forgive' it, as it were.
I don't feel like a 'survivor', just a mess or damaged.

I think in the 'old days' I could have defended myself (maybe), or at least spoke up, but now I feel too tired and without a voice. And I don't really have an argument (in my defense).

The 'good part' is, however, in another respect because I'm just the way I 'am' (and can't change it or alter it any more quickly than I'm doing), in a sense it doesn't matter, that's just the way it is, I can accept that (a little better now). Figure it must be for a reason.

Like, I can read "ptsd is like hay-fever" (someone said), and it actually makes me laugh, not feel angry. Not mnimizing it- just the sheer absurdity of it. (Mind you, I have a weird sense of humour! :) )

 

[Nadege]

3. "But how could he rape you if he had no weapon?"

This reminds me of what the female doctor said after I was sexually abused at the age of 11 by a big grown man under the roof of a 16-story building, and I was taken to a clinic for a checkup.

She said: "Why didn't you run away?"

Really? A little girl is going to outrun an adult man down 16 floors?

But she probably did not know the details...