Midnightmoon
Diamond Member
I find this incredibly shameful just to type, but, here goes anyway.
I had a discussion with my OT the other day about the physical barriers to intimacy as a wheelchair user. She was asking in a round about way if it had any impact on relationships and did I need to explore it practically on what was about. I declined, declared myself fine and we moved on.
Turns out, I'm not fine! It's never been fine but how an earth do you even tolerate the idea that a relationship is never an option for you?
I've never had a relationship, a date, not a kiss even for god sake. I'm in my 30s, have always longed for children, and yet had this knowing that I would never be good enough to have a partner, I had to do better, if I loved someone why would I give them me.
Through my 20s this persisted, everyone moves on and relationships turn serious. I meanwhile am still firmly so so sure that I can't saddle anyone with me, so I don't even allow myself to consider it. Someone did attempt to get closer via work and completely unexpected, I pushed them away saying I couldn't let them settle for someone like me. I always hoped one day I'd learn to be better and then maybe it would be possible... It kept the hope alive somehow.
And now, post accident. Children are not possible, if I couldn't do a relationship with a working body there is no way I can do one wheelchair dependant. I couldn't offer anything to anyone like this, why would I even consider allowing anyone close, to burden with this.
But this grief of never knowing a date or romantic love or whatever just keeps spiraling. I see people my age with children and families and I cry. I'm in no fit state for either, but it feels like the future has been snatched away too.
I had a discussion with my OT the other day about the physical barriers to intimacy as a wheelchair user. She was asking in a round about way if it had any impact on relationships and did I need to explore it practically on what was about. I declined, declared myself fine and we moved on.
Turns out, I'm not fine! It's never been fine but how an earth do you even tolerate the idea that a relationship is never an option for you?
I've never had a relationship, a date, not a kiss even for god sake. I'm in my 30s, have always longed for children, and yet had this knowing that I would never be good enough to have a partner, I had to do better, if I loved someone why would I give them me.
Through my 20s this persisted, everyone moves on and relationships turn serious. I meanwhile am still firmly so so sure that I can't saddle anyone with me, so I don't even allow myself to consider it. Someone did attempt to get closer via work and completely unexpected, I pushed them away saying I couldn't let them settle for someone like me. I always hoped one day I'd learn to be better and then maybe it would be possible... It kept the hope alive somehow.
And now, post accident. Children are not possible, if I couldn't do a relationship with a working body there is no way I can do one wheelchair dependant. I couldn't offer anything to anyone like this, why would I even consider allowing anyone close, to burden with this.
But this grief of never knowing a date or romantic love or whatever just keeps spiraling. I see people my age with children and families and I cry. I'm in no fit state for either, but it feels like the future has been snatched away too.